Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
my discussion title is meant only to prevent offending any members. I care for ALL here, but just truly need this specific help. the forum designated for topics of faith is barely used.
I have not been functioning at home tasks for quite a while. things are in real disorder, messy, and this is more like a dirty disorganized bachelors place than a womans home.. grief's, depression & anxiety has taken the worst toll on me in this way. My dog has been the only physical comfort through ggrief. she can be on any furniture she wants. touching her with my hand helps me, as I have never been so ALONE in all my life. She has given me a reason to breathe, through the darkest time of sickness, grief & depression.
For about the next 10 days people will be in my home, a married couple here from dawn to dark. I know the husband will want me to "be productive". many other volunteers will be in and out, underfoot, working on my home exterior. It is overwhelming having them see the degree to which I have fallen.
some of you know of the 11 months housebound by combination of broken leg, one month hospitalzation for diagnosis & then surgery cured me of severe illness- a very rare, benign pancreatic anomoly that would shut down my brain (off & on), by producing critical &/ or life threatening overdoses of insulin. That prevented adjustment to losing my husband. So I am still recovering from the 1 & 1/2+ year of all that during fresh grief. but it does not relieve me of being ashamed. the men's wives who will here, and a married couple of my visiting friends all keep perfect, neat, spotless beautiful homes. I remember being about half that way myself. but now things are just tossed "wherever". Grief is so exhausting. Why does grief disable some of us but not others?
Pray for the Lord to cover me in His Peace while people are here. and that I can recover my mind's and emotional health.
Last sunday in church I completely broke down in deep sobbing, shaking. ladies had to stay with me in a back room.I was on my knees weeping for God to help me...could barely speak. too intense to be in congregation. then one drove me home for my safety. her husband followed so they could go home in their truck. It was a tidal wave of grief which I guess I'd felt obligated to suppress in church, That being a primary part of my marriage with my husband. It seems the Lord had to let friends see how deep this all really is for me. & I just know that. but now it is additional OTHERS having to see the evidence & results of grief & depression. please pray. I don't even know who this post is for.
Also I am not able at this time to process advice, or long replies. What I need is prayer. The married couple who are coming will be an overload of "constructive input" and no personal space or time. I'm in a fragile condition AGAIN. Whereas just recently I felt great emotional improvement. What in the heck was I thinking?
Thank you..
Some things about my life that have not been pertinent to this forum, is traumatic / overwhelming / stretching out for many years at a time had broke me down began in 1987 included sleep deprivation through 1993 resulting in severe breakdown. Doc said I had "reality-based depression" which could not improve without REM sleep.
I reveal that for praying "with understanding" for me.
Thank each one of you for prayers.
I am trying to get to church tonight. close friend/brother is teaching and I feel safe with him & wife...they were here during everything...know my past..
I feel safer with them than new recent pastor who is otherwise engaged out of country.
tomorrow MORE workers whom I barely know are coming.
Grief suppressed can not be recovered from. this is deluge of anguish is healing.
Yet, I don't want to traumatize others.
So I was going to ask if you ever had one when alone, but I guess they only happen around others.....Take care and everything will work its way out,--literally.
All I know is whatever happened in me was very needed. I would have preferred to do it privately,
I mean, who wants to leave such a raw imprint and memory in others? It was awful being unable to stabilize until pain was purged... being laid so bare. Several people are real concerned about me.
I do sure don't want this to hit again, but "whatever is required" to heal.
On the other hand, friends' compassion & empathy has become very enlightened. I don't feel so separate. I am grateful for gaining intimacy with a few women I have known for decades.
The best part of all is between me & the Lord...He drew me so close and the comfort is immense.
It will help for the rest of my life.
Grief is longterm, and hard things remain,. but I feel more hope.
Thank you all for replies & praying.
Anita
Sylvia