I don't have any personal experience with this - my children are in their 40s. Is there a possibility the 23-yr-old can move elsewhere? Would this help your situation? It seems lots of adult children stay in "the nest" longer these days. If this is a possibility, try giving a date by which he/she has to move. If there is no way this can happen, how about house rules that MUST BE adhered to? Emphasize it is YOUR home, and those who live there must___________________. (You fill in the blanks) I've had friends who became doormats for their children, and allowed them to take advantage of them. Do not allow this to happen - for your own sanity. I presume the 16 yr. old is not ready to move out and be self-sufficient at this point -- but can also be more considerate of you. Good Luck and remember, it is YOUR HOUSE - take back your authority. Sorry you can't have peace at home!
Blessings - Doye

My son is only 1 1/2 so we may be talking about different things, but I have my days with him. Sometimes, I get so angry because I have to deal with his fits and tantrums all by myself. I have no family close by and don't feel I can just drop him off somewhere for a little me time. When you are already feeling down, upset, or angry about your situation having to deal with others "crap" isn't easy. Your kids are old enough to tell them to give you some time and space, and then try to do something together that you all will enjoy. I get some settle down time when my son naps, then we go to the park or for a walk. We all win. I wish you the best.

No children here, but I have a stepdaughter who years ago went through some problems that made it hard on her father and me. At the time she was 21. We ended up getting her an apartment. She had a job, but not enough to pay rent, so we gave her an additional 200 dollars for one year. She was very happy with the arrangement, and a year later had received a raise, so she no longer needed money from us.

Marilyn,
I am so sorry you are having to go through this. The last thing you need right now is your kids putting extra stress on you - as if your life is not already stressful enough!

I don't know what your son's financial situation is, but at 23 if he cannot respect you in your own home then maybe it is time for some tough love. I know that it is easier said than done, but you should not have to deal with this. He is an adult and if he cannot live in your house by your rules, then maybe he should move. I know it may be hard asking your son to leave your home, but at some point you have to start thinking about what is best for you.

Your daughter is only 16, so having her move out is obviously not an option. When my step-daughter was that age she was absolutely horrible! It sounds so bad to say that, but it is just the plain truth. She was rude, disrespectful, disobedient, unwilling to help around the house, she constantly picked fights with everyone in the family and I could go on and on. Brian and I loved her, but some days were almost more than we could tolerate. I wish I could give you the magical cure for an out of control teenager, but I don't have one. One thing I do know for certain is that you should not give in to her just because you are tired of the arguments. We made that mistake with Sarah. She wore us down, and it was easier to let her have her way that continue to fight. We quickly realized that only made her behavior worse because she expected to always get her way. We soon abandoned that strategy.

Hang in there. I will send good thoughts your way, and I hope things at your house quite down soon.
Susan

Well, the dog has an excuse...he's a dog...But the kids??? Time for a little tough love, I think. Set your rules, boundaries, and make them stick. It's YOUR house, and you are the boss. If they can't deal with it, tough. Easy for me to say, I know. But give it a try, and best of luck to you on this. You have enough to deal with, and your kids should be more thoughtful of you.....Joe...:-)

Sounds very normal for live in kids of that age- but as others have said - you will need to set some clear rules and insist that they are followed .....and if the 23 year old has a problem with that then they can find other lodgings. Around 23 my husband suggested - unknown to me, that our eldest daughter move out to preserve the relationship. We get on just fine - when we live apart. She is 30 now

Good luck with it all - friction is the last thing you need

Debbie

I only had empty nest celebration for 6 months when Mike was alive. Then my daughters and my grandson moved back in as a convenience to them. This was a few years before Mike was diagnosed. They helped tremendously when Mike was sick, but after he died, I couldn't take the messes they left when they were not home, and all the chaos when they were home. I finally sat them down and asked them to leave, and they told me that they were afraid of me being alone, which was really touching, but I ensured them that this was the best thing for all of us. They didn't like that we were always getting on each others nerves anyway, so they decided to move in together about 20 minutes away. Now, our relationship has evolved to a very positive level, and I finally feel like a grandma and not a second mother. The best part is I can finally relax in my own home. Since you can't ask a 16 year old to leave, the tough love advice is probably essential to your mental health, so have a serious talk with your child and lay down the law with consequences (I know- much easier said than done) I would think seriously about asking the 23 year old to spread his/her wings because this might be the one change you need to get some breathing space and your sanity back. Good luck! P.S. I have a puppy and my life has settled to the point where I actually look forward to walking her. This was not always the case.

I have a 17 and a 14 year old at home. I don't think raising kids are fun when they get to be teenagers. It can be stressful because they have their own agendas. But, this experience has brought us closer than ever, and I wouldn't change it for the world. I would want my husband back of course, but we have grown by leaps and bounds. I have my moments...but I choose my battles. I feel resentful sometimes like my husband is in paradise and I am here in hell...raising teenagers. I want my children to turn out to be good citizens and if it takes me going in sane, then I will do it. Ha ha..You need to set boundaries and rules that everyone can follow. It is your house and you make the rules. That is something I live by. I wish you luck in this..it is very hard to grieve and then have to be the parent. It is something I don't wish on my worse enemy. It is the hardest thing I have ever been through. I am here for you if you need to talk and I would be glad to be a sounding board for you. Just let me know..Hugs~Shelley

Have you ever seen that show Clean Sweep?

They have this thought that if there is something that you are holding onto but isn't really serving a purpose take a picture of it and then get rid of it.

I do have a child and 2 step kids. And yes, there are many days they all like to dangle on that last nerve. So, right now there is nothing that brings me greater pleasure than when I walk out the door and hear these words follow me "Mom, why are you always taking pictures of me? !" LMAO

Kids are awesome, they are also awful at times. But aren't we all. It does seem overwhelming on a good day but when we ourselves are hurting, they are hurting, then the mountain almost seems insurmountable. MGOULD, I send you a big hug and hope that you have good people that you can vent with not only here but in person. It takes a village to raise a child. I am acutally looking into my circle of friends that might be willing to spend time and mentor my child, for both our sakes.

If you ever want to talk!

Id say put your foot down. It's your house, you pay the bills and put a roof over their head and put food on the table, and if they don't like those rules, tell the oldest one to not let the door hit him/her in the ass. And the 16 year old? Well, if she doesn't want to follow your rules, ground her. Take the keys to the car away and don't pay for anything she wants, she'll wake up. It sucks to have to be tough on them, but hey, if we don't teach them who will? It's a cruel world and what better place to learn lifes lessons than at home?

Luckily, I don't have that problem with my kids. I put the fear of God in them when they were little. My 23 year old will tell people NOT to mess with his mom becuase he knows what will happen, and he's bigger than I am now. LOL, and actually right now, I'm a bit crazier than I used to be, so who knows what I'm capable of. But, anyway, lay the law down.

Children all have diffeent ways in dealing with their grief. My oldest is 16 and now has quite an attitude. He wants to be by himself and not bother with the rest of the family. The girls; 13, 9, and 3 seem to do better. Mike was not ill for a long time. He died four months after his diagnosis. Everything happened quickly and took a toll on the kids. The schools they attend do not offer any type of grief program; so I try to direct them to articles on the internet that are age appropriate. We hurt as widows, but our children hurt as well.

Maggie

There have been lots of good comments on here and lots of good advice. I hope someone offers something that will work for you. I have to agree with everyone who has said you need to put your foot down. Time to lay out some ground rules and establish some consequences if they aren't followed. It sounds like it is time for a big family meeting. Communication is so important, but often so hard to do successfully when tempers, stress, grief, and all the other problems get in the way. If you guys are able to sit in a calm manner and discuss the situation, that would definitely be a good start. If emotions and tempers run too high, maybe you have a friend or family member who could act as a mediator, support you and keep things from getting hostile. No matter what route you take, you can't accomplish anything without discussion.
Good Luck

I agree - all great advice. I think I need to go back every now and then and read these to keep everything in mind and keep me on the right track.

It is not only the fact that I'm working 2 jobs and get NO help at home, but the attitude - both kids have made comments like "everything is always about you - you're so selfish, etc" - what?? I am exhausted from the work I do - and that doesn't help.

Think things will turn around with the assistance of my son's girlfriend who was somewhat shocked at some of the things I told her yesterday when my son was at work. (I don't see her often.)

It is good to get feedback when I am knocking myself out and yet get all negative feedback from the kids - keeps me in "reality" - thanks

When my oldest son moved back (he was our problem child) we made a poster and hung it on the wall, it seemed to be effective on him:

3 Simple Rules for Living in Our House

To live in harmony with others (family, roommates, job, spouse) there are three simple rules that make life together enjoyable: Take care of yourself, show respect and be helpful. Just in case these are not plain we have provided a few examples of these simple rules, you can fill in others (mentally) as you think about it. We try and live by these rules each and every day, if you feel that we have not then please let us know.


1.Take care of yourself
a. If you open it, close it.
b. If you move it, put it back.
c. If you turn it on, turn it off.
d. If you use it up, replace it (or let someone know).
e. If you make a mess, clean it up.
f. If you break it, repair it.
g. If you can't fix it, tell someone who can.
h. If you don't know how to operate it, leave it alone.
2.Show Respect (for others and their things)
a. If it belongs to somebody else and you want to use it, get permission.
b. If you borrow it, return it.
c. If you use it, take care of it.
d. Just because someone isnt using it, doesnt mean they dont want it.
e. Just because you need it, doesnt mean you can take it.
f. Live up to your promises (say what you mean, do what you say).
g. Remember, it costs you nothing to be pleasant.
3.Help out
a. Dont make others do your work (see rule 1).
b. From time to time help out.
c. When you do something for someone dont expect something in return immediately, its called Karma (you usually get more in return than you give).

For what it's worth. -Pete-

Marilyn,

I remember when our daughters reached the elusive age of wanting to have a 'nest' of their own. The strange thing was that there seemed to be some inner resentment that the nest (our home) they were currently occupying already had an owner! I know this is an odd way to explain it, but when I discussed it with my husband it was the only word picture I could give.

After a vague emotional tussle for entitlement to our nest, we (as some others have mentioned in their comments) 'suggested' apartment shopping. It was like a magic elixir to the family dynamics. It seems there is a mystery age that all kids hit (I think the age differs with the personality) when they desperately want to be independent; yet, they are petrified to go out on their own. That's when the gentle NUDGE is effective, if circumstances allow it. Believe me, it wasn't an easy discussion. This mother cried herself to sleep that night.

When the decision was made and the move took place, it was wonderful; however, a few problems hid around the corner. It became apparent that the wage was not sufficient to handle the expenses (sometimes we all get caught in that dilemma). So another family discussion took place, and we simply suggested that she get a part-time job for 3 or 4 evenings a week. The extra money would help until her wages increased a bit. She did; we were delighted. It was a startling discovery for her to learn that there was more than one way to a solution (sometimes kids are short-sighted due to their inexperience with life). Problem-solving and busy evenings brought satisfying results and increased her self-confidence. That time in our family turned out to be a good life lesson, as she is the daughter who has been employed by two companies that had to shut down due to the economy. And you guessed itshe is putting those problem-solving lessons into practice.

Marilyn, I know you cannot put certain things into action due to the age of your 16-year-old; however, there is no excuse for the bad tempers and childish behavior of your children, treating you with such disrespect. Whether it is family counseling or something else that would be equally effective, I hope you can find a way to diffuse the chaos. I'm sure it's exhausting. As they see you take charge with calm determination, maybe they will follow suit and act more sensiblyas adults should.

Blessing to you as you search for solutions. Please don't lose heart. TJ