Also, if you are able to control or drive your grief, how does that affect your whole grieving experiences (e.g., making it more smooth or more difficult etc.)?

The only thing that helps me is stay busy, if I set alone I miss him terribly. Staying busy is a great help, volunteer, work, etc. It is not getting easier for me.

I know that 6 weeks after my husband died I had VERY little control over my emotions and grief. And unless you are at work or in public I don't think you should try to control it. I think you need to express those emotions`to get through them and heal.

Tiger....I am not in control of anything, least of all my emotions. I cry off and on all day long. Sundays are the worst. I go thru my day looking at the clock....if I can just make it until 8 I can go to bed.

I think people are backing away because I am still grieving and crying, esp. my family. It is just awful......they do not understand the depth of pain in losing a spouse.

I say you just have to go thru your day and feel what you feel and simply go with it.

I've tried controlling it by doing the opposite of what others are doing. My wife's mom cannot look at her pictures. I am making myself look at them. I made myself listen to her work voicemail greeting. I'm trying to hit everything head-on, in hopes that it will help ease the grief process.

I don't know if it's working or not, though...

I lost my husband on October 29, 2014. I know I can't control my grief, but what I've been taught to do from the grief counselor is that when I get sad and/or start to cry, just go with it -- don't try to suppress it. She said it has to come out.

So I keep very busy, I try to write in the journal on this site about my feelings on any given day, and when I am upset, I just get upset. Even at work, I close my office door and cry a little when I need to, then I move on through my day. It is what it is. Never liked that expression, but it sure does fit this grief process. It is what it is. It's different for everybody, but I'm trying to be honest with myself at what it is for me.

One other tip I think is great from my counselor -- she said even when writing in your journal, it takes about 10 minutes of writing or typing to get to the heart of what you're feeling. So I try to sit and write longer than 10 minutes, and it's kind of amazing what really gets said.

It is an interesting idea - to try to control the grief. I have been widowed over 7 years and have been here on this site since that time. I will tell you what I have observed, not just of my experiences, but also of others that have been here.

If you do not give yourself the permission and the space to grieve, it will come back to bite you in the ass sooner or later. I have watched people try to avoid the pain and the crying by staying busy, working overtime, drinking to excess, eating to excess, rushing into a string of new (disastrous) relationships, making grandstand announcements that they intend to be absolutely 100% fine by such-and-such a date, declaring that faith would cure their pain and prayer is all they need, and an assortment of other "coping" devices (visiting psychics, gambling, changing jobs, popping pills, etc.). I have watched this happen over and over again. It doesn't work, and it usually has some kind of unwanted consequence.

It's a cliche, but grief is something you have to go through, you can't go around it.

Can you control it? No. Can you drive it? You might be able to steer it. Not always, but there are ways to tame it down a little. One of the things that worked for me was making time to grieve. I set aside time each evening to think about Cliff, to cry, to pray, to say - out loud - anything I felt I needed to say to him or to God. That was my special time every day. I could cry as much as I wanted to, remember as much or as little as I wanted to. I owned my grief then. By doing that, I was able to hold it together better at work and while taking care of my kids and all the myriad obligations I had throughout the day. I still had "grief bursts," but they became fewer and farther between as I could tell myself if I could just let it go until later during my grieving time, then I was usually okay. It didn't work every single time, but it worked a lot of the time, and helped me feel like I was getting somewhere with the pain and grieving. I got stronger and my confidence started to rebuild.

I wrote in a journal, a paper one and also the electronic one here. I wrote letters and poems to Cliff. I read books on grief. I got counseling - which helped a lot. I started to take care of my physical health, which made taking care of my emotional pain easier. I prayed when I could - some days I was too angry, and I let God know I was angry. I revisited old hobbies, tried new ones. I had to try many different things. Oh, and I spent a fair amount of time here, too.

Losing your spouse is a major disaster. It will affect every aspect of your life. There is no one, single thing that will "make it all okay." It will take many pieces to the puzzle.

What you are feeling is normal for the stage you are in. Don't give up. It will get easier. My life doesn't look anything like it used to, but it is good, and it was worth it to keep going.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

"If only we could control or drive (direct) our grief" . . sounds like a slice of respite and peace could be had on this journey. Unfortunately, this is not reality. The illusion of being in control is simply that . . an illusion. There is no quick fix and def not a time-line that we can count on to be healed of our respective losses. We must move through it. You will have days ahead that will get better, the pain will subside bit by bit. You are stronger than you think, but don't try to be so strong that you will break in this storm. I always remind myself to be more flexible, like a reed. There will always be storms in life, some hurricanes as well. Buckle up my friend . . . you are not on this nightmare of a ride alone. Wishing you more peaceful days ahead. xo, Dayna

When I see his picture on my desk at work it triggers me to cry and think about Morey. I allow myself the cry by getting up and going for a short walk.

I like to think about him, we had so much fun while dating and when we married and had our children. We adored each other. We spent as time together as we could and I couldn't wait for him to come home from work and tell me about his day.

I cry every day for the loss of my man......it will be 700 days on March 24th since he's been gone.

I don't want to control my emotions when it comes to Morey. I want to feel EVERYTHING......it hurts, it's so painful but it's helping me to deal with the reality of it all. I cry only half the way home from work now, when it used to be ALL the way home. I cry again as I get closer to the corner where I would pick him up to go to dinner. I cry when I drive past Costco, where he loved to shop.

I talk to him ALL the time. I do notice that it's becoming less and less but I hope it NEVER goes away completely. I find great comfort in keeping him in my heart.

Roz

Yes, and no. You can try to suppress the grief. I can tell you from first hand experience that that course is disastrous. It all comes flooding back to you out of control. You must allow yourself the time to work through the grief. Counseling helped me immensely. Trying to focus on old hobbies, helping others and working also helped me establish my own identity after my husband died. Mostly it is like trying not to drown. You try to tread water, get your bearings and make that slow and arduous swim to shore. If you see a wave coming, you try to duck and swim through it, you can't avoid it, but you try to make sure that it doesn't pull you under. With luck, work and help you finally make it to shore. Hope this makes some sense.
Val.

Tiger,
I agree with Martha, I was also told to set aside time to grieve. I will do it in the morning and evening. If the grieve comes in between you tell it to wait for the next grieve session. This has really been working for me.
Doing deep breathing exercise helps when grieve strikes in between.
I was told to do journaling.
Grieving process is very painful. Be gentle on your self...

Thank you everyone for your suggestions and tips. I now have some ideas on how to grieve while working full time. Hugs to you all and God bless.

Tiger

Hi Tiger;
I definitely agree with Martha's response, that you can 'steer' the grief, but not drive it completely.
I journal, I go for walks, read everything I can get my hands on, but ultimately, I realized that I just needed to go with my 'flow' and practice self-compassion. I had my week of anniversaries come up recently (first date, late son's, then late husband's between Feb 22 and Mar 1) and I booked time off from work, called my BFFs for emotional support, and let myself cry when I needed to. This, after 2 years.
As Martha said, if you don't let it out, express it, it will come back to bite you. I tried to make myself busy...now slowing down a little and I find it's easier.
Sending big hugs,
xo Jac.

Hi Tiger,
I don't know how to control grief, but I found I could control my pain by going to the gym and working out until my muscles screamed. I made myself hurt so much more that I slept better.
Some how it felt satisfying to be able to control the pain.
God bless, Tric

I seem to be able to control my grief when I am with my kids. Things feel normal, they seem happy and we appear to be a family. I also can control it in social situations with my friends and family. My friends are there for me in bad times, but in social situations I don't want to be the Debbie downer so I force myself to have a great time and I honestly do. When I am alone in the car or my house is when I give myself permission to cry and feel depressed.