Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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lmj90 09/28/2015

As I sit here nearing the one year mark I just can't shake this grief. The waves are so deep. No way out. No insurance for counseling (wouldn't go anyway probably) No local support groups, All my so called friends have bailed on me or have too much going on. If I happen to be asked by one of them and I begin to say "im not ok" then you see this look come over their face and they make a quick excuse to leave.

With each situation that comes up no matter how little or big it is I crumble. I try to pull myself up but I have no strength to do it. My heart is heavy and my mind never shuts off. I can't even tell you what I did last week. I went to take some of my son's senior pictures (I do them myself) and all I could think of is how much he looks like my husband and how much I wish we were a family again. Nothing is right, Nothing is ok, Nothing makes me happy and nothing hurts more than loosing him.
It seems as though I can't keep going.
I try not to say anything because there is really nothing anyone else can do. They can't bring him back, They can't take the pain away, There are really no words. My truck broke down two weeks ago and I have no way of getting it home or getting it fixed. My brother in law is a mechanic but I won't ask him. He's not my favorite person since my husband passed. This morning my brother in law called to see if I wanted him to go and get my truck..... I was so mad I almost lost it on him but instead I just got choked up and said no and hung up the phone. I shouldn't have to ask. Family should take care of family just like my husband did for him when he needed something UGH

I hate the "it was his time" or "its God's will" or God needed him" Seriously?? NO WE NEEDED HIM. I need him. Does this ever stop?? Can I make it one more day, One more hour? Minute?

Hugs to all

Lisa

luvevergreens 09/28/2015

Lisa, You brought me to tears. I can feel your pain and do understanding the frustration and anger. I hadn't heard anything from my sister-in-law for a couple of weeks, she called me the night after I had to put our oldest and sweetest dog to sleep. She called me to let me know that she had spoke to someone, and he felt I needed to see someone for my grief since I live in a very isolated spot and have no children of my own, nor have my family close to me. For some reason, I blew and told her I knew how bad I felt, how I missed him and how and where I lived and to help things I just had Spike put to sleep so I was really off the charts. I told her, through my tears and weeping, that she could have spoke with me and come and visited with me first instead of discussing me with someone that doesn't have a clue about me. She said she was sorry about Spike but continued on about the recommendation of who I needed to see and insisted on giving me their number. I had already called the facility about a Grief and Loss Meeting that was on a calendar in the paper. But her attitude that she knew what I needed and timing set me off and have not heard from her since. I know my Ted would understand my anger but it's him I need and miss. I did start today with the thought one day at a time but this day started with tears so won't be a good one for me. The vets office called, I had Spike cremated and he is ready to be picked up, more tears. But a big hug, hope and love to you. Mary

laney77 09/28/2015

Dear Lisa and Mary,
When the grief waves are at their worst the world seems like a very dark place to be living in. Everything you have expressed is so normal for stage of grief. You should be mad, your man is gone, you miss him, you hurt, you are lonely and it takes years to understand this. Heck at one year I still thought my husband was just having a lot of overtime and I would look for him to come home at the end of each day??? I'm so sorry you don't have enough support, it is helpful, but yes, people unintentionally say really really stupid things.
I found the best help from Hospice, beleive it or not they have a wonderful grief share program, one on one therapy or group and it is free. Don't hesitate to take care of yourself, you are worth it, you do deserve to have someone listen to you, to hear your pain. Big hugs Lori

sandeestttn 09/28/2015

It has been 32 months for me. I lost all contact with my in=laws of 50 years. From the beginning. My family also. No one offers to help at all. When I ask, they are busy else where. This includes my children. For the last week, I have been so dizzy, can't do a thing. My children say, its probably just a ear infection. So, I can't get anyone to take me to the Dr, or ER. 2 weeks ago I had a MRI for my neck, as 13 years ago, had surgery on my neck, spine. So this morning I called local nurse practioner am going this afternoon, as it is only 2 blocks away, so will see if I can drive that far. How sad to not have any family that cares. My husband wouldn't take me there, but he would have hollered at kids until they did.

letmehelpyou 09/28/2015

Please contact your local hospice. My grief counseling group was through a local hospice and did not cost a dime. The women who ran the group were volunteers and widows in their forties and fifties. They totally understood and got it. Sharing my pain with others in the same situation helped me immensely. We understand how you are feeling, vent away all you want.

Hugs,
Val

AfterMom 09/28/2015

Lisa, I am so sorry for your pain. I am a "crumbler" too. it sucks.
try to be calm for reading this next sentence, as I truly send it with deep caring: Unfortunately, your brother in law can not just "go get your truck" without asking your permission, as it would be illegal for him to do that. Plus, he does need to get the keys.
I know what it is like to feel isolated and angry and sad and desperate.
also, to be afraid that certain people might trigger some pain if you risk letting them near. but maybe for this one thing, you could accept your bro in laws' offer.
If not him, then maybe there is someone else.
Is the car in a place where it could get towed away for being there too long? You don't want to pay tow & impound fees.
Hugs to you.

deremusl 09/28/2015

Lisa, I wish I knew how to help you. I, too, lost my husband very suddenly and unexpectedly. The pain is so hard to bear. I get anxiety attacks over any little thing. I am a totally different person than I was before, and I hate it. But I have survived for seven months. You have survived for almost a year. Simply surviving every day is not how any of us want to live, but those who are ahead of us on this rotten journey say it gets easier and I believe them. Until then we just have to get through.
The cruelest thing about grief is that no one understands unless they've been here. That makes the loneliness even greater. But I 've also come to understand that no matter how much support we have, it's still lonely, and we really have to get through our grief on our own. Only WE know how WE truly feel.
You'll make it, Lisa. I'm so sorry it's so painful.

Wishing you better days,
Linda

lmj90 09/29/2015

Thank you every one. I am really needing support lately. I think its been that way for a while but I have tried to hold it in and its becoming impossible. My brother in law and I have not agreed on things since my husband passed away and some of you may know this from my past posts. He was the last person to see my husband alive and there have just been some tension to say the least.
I have had such a hard time. Its so lonely I miss my husband so much. Hugs to every one

Lisa

deremusl 09/29/2015

Lisa, if you are needing support, don't hesitate to come here and let us know. Sometimes it's hard to let others know how down we really are. Makes us feel like whiners. But there are so many here who are further along who understand our pain. Those of us who are not as far along surely understand. Come and write often and know that we're all here for you.

Linda

ptorres 09/29/2015

Lisa I wish I had words to ease your pain. I am not out of the woods myself when it comes to the pain of grief. But if we don't try and get through this the best we can what is the alternative? I'm tired of being sick and miserable, it is not my nature. We either choose to cope and try and live a somewhat productive life or we curl up and wait to die. And Mary It does not help when a beloved dog dies. My animals have helped me survive this and they are getting on in age and I am scared to death one of them will leave me. This pain ebbs and flows and I am hoping you and all of us have a better tomorrow. Peace to you and hang in there. ~Pete

loveddogs 09/29/2015

Lisa, I like Pete am certainly not out of the woods yet either. But I am having some better days. I still cry nearly everyday, but I don't have that kick in the gut intensity like I did at first. You know that almost butterfly feeling but it doesn't feel good? I still have constant triggers. T.V, music, everything around me, where ever I go. I have found that I don't have to go to the store in the middle of the night anymore for fear of running into someone. But, I also don't give a darn anymore if I go as I am. Bags under the eyes and no make up. I lost three pets the final year before my husband passed, one three weeks before he died. They were all 14 and 15 years old. My house is a wreck, the yard is a wreck and we were remodeling my kitchen. And all of my dishes are still in the boxes in my living room. I will get back to my kitchen floor whenever I have energy again. Grieving is exhausting. And yes, I don't want to hear about how "it was his time blah blah blah. I need him, my kids need him and my grands need him. If it weren't for them I would have given up long ago. Most of all finding this site has been my lifeline. Everyone here understands what we are all going through. They give me hope!!!! Hugs and Love to you, we are walking and crawling right with you. Michele

obsidianom 09/29/2015

All I can add is losing a spouse that you love is the hardest thing there is. I am at 6 weeks tonight and it is intense. At least everyone here "gets it' . The grief will be there for a very long time. I do find going to a therapist and the grief group I go to helps a little. At least they listen and "get it" and don't judge.

thedoctorriver 09/30/2015

Hello....I lost my wife a yr and a half ago......I heard all of the same things you are saying..........I have my good and bad days.....mainly bad.....ha..........ok make u a deal.......u lean on me and i shall lean on u.....I do not run away......just never........and call me Doc........big....big....big..hug too u

bookdragon 09/30/2015

If they have never lost a spouse they can't understand, and if they have then they understand without you saying a word. I was introduced to a woman by a friend who just hugged me and said she had lost her husband two years ago. we just looked at each other with complete understanding. We do get your pain and are here for you. Hugs Patti

wendimac 10/01/2015

Lisa...I hear you, I understand, because I feel the same way as you do..if it weren't for the fact that my son needs me, I would have bailed on life..it's been just over 6 months, and my husband is all I can think about.
It's so unfair...

deleted_user 10/01/2015

Lisa, I know what you're feeling. We all know. There's no magic elixir that we can swallow to make this go away.

We must wander and wade our way through it.

The fact that we're not alone and that what we're feeling is so common to the grieving process makes the burden feel less heavy.

I know that some of us mention that family and friends don't "get it" and, although it would be nice if they called and asked; "can I do some food shopping for you? "Can I fill your car with gas?" "Can I help clean your house", any offer might be nice.......I'm kind of glad that they stay away.....they'd only complicate the process and might even make me sadder!!!!!

Roz

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