Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I've been dealing with the death of my husband and best friend of twenty years all on my own. My son's are grown and live several states away from me. I have been putting on a strong face (the I'm Ok face), and trying to get a long list of things done before I move several states away next month. But yesterday it got to a boiling point and I tried to find support in a grief loss support group (not just for widows). I found no support or help; I only felt much worse when I left there than when I had come there. Instead, I was made to feel that i needed to put an immediate a stopper in my crying. I lost my husband on March 16, 2015. Being in that group was extremely painful due to the individual running the group telling me "ok we are moving on," every time I would get to crying and being to a point of really getting some of this pain off my heart. My husband died less than two months ago and this is very raw and difficult for me. I know that everyone needs their time to share. But I've also been in battered women's group sessions that were more supportive than what I experienced. In those groups we knew and could tell when someone was new or needed that time because their pain was more evident of needing extra, immediate help and we gave it to that person. I went to the group because i keep having thoughts of going to a dark place that I know is not good for me or my sons. I guess I'm on the edge and trying all I can to not fall in that pit. The I don't want to deal with this anymore, I've had enough dark place.
My husband had stage four brain cancer. It was a long, arduous fight for him to try and stay alive as long as possible. I feel like I have this huge open gaping, bleeding wound on my heart and people keep picking at it with all the things that have occurred before and after his death. I can't handle people being rude, cruel, or disrespectful toward me because I'm not doing what they think I should be doing or feeling. I have so much pain and I have been stopping myself from feeling so much of it for a long while. I told myself I didn't have the time to deal with these feelings before and after his death. And now the feelings are too overwhelming and I can't keep pretending I'm all right.
I feel guilty now because I am so mad at my husband for leaving me all alone. I know that sounds dumb because it was never his fault and he tried everything he could. I'm angry at so many things. I feel like my emotions are constantly pulling me to sadness, anger, depression, and frustration. And now I'm having horrible nightmares. I'm worried at every little noise I hear when or if I got to bed. I haven't really been able to get more than 3-4 hours of sleep a night. I can barely eat. I guess the stress and hurt diet really works but I could forego this kind of diet.
Most of all i'm living in a house full of memories of him. I sleep with his jacket with me sometimes. I just can't let go and I know that is really stupid because you're supposed to move on. I'm not trying to hold onto the pain I just want it not to hurt as much. I feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest when it gets to being too much to deal with.
Confused, frustrated & barely hanging on
My husband had stage four brain cancer. It was a long, arduous fight for him to try and stay alive as long as possible. I feel like I have this huge open gaping, bleeding wound on my heart and people keep picking at it with all the things that have occurred before and after his death. I can't handle people being rude, cruel, or disrespectful toward me because I'm not doing what they think I should be doing or feeling. I have so much pain and I have been stopping myself from feeling so much of it for a long while. I told myself I didn't have the time to deal with these feelings before and after his death. And now the feelings are too overwhelming and I can't keep pretending I'm all right.
I feel guilty now because I am so mad at my husband for leaving me all alone. I know that sounds dumb because it was never his fault and he tried everything he could. I'm angry at so many things. I feel like my emotions are constantly pulling me to sadness, anger, depression, and frustration. And now I'm having horrible nightmares. I'm worried at every little noise I hear when or if I got to bed. I haven't really been able to get more than 3-4 hours of sleep a night. I can barely eat. I guess the stress and hurt diet really works but I could forego this kind of diet.
Most of all i'm living in a house full of memories of him. I sleep with his jacket with me sometimes. I just can't let go and I know that is really stupid because you're supposed to move on. I'm not trying to hold onto the pain I just want it not to hurt as much. I feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest when it gets to being too much to deal with.
Confused, frustrated & barely hanging on
Yes eventually when you have had time to work through some of the grieve and have learn to cope you will start moving forward. Less then 2 months is not nearly enough time to learn to navigate through such pain Crying is therapeutic. Stuffing the pain down will only create more pain and emotional discord later. Be kind to yourself you are not alone and this is a good place to get support from people who have walk the same road as you are now walking. There are some great support group to attend but they do not fit the needs of everyone. I was blessed to be invited to the bereavement group run by the funeral home I used.. It was 8 months after my husband passed and I was not grieving properly (there is no set ways to grieve but not allowing grieve to happen is not one of them) . That group was the right fit for me while the councilor I had seen earlier on was not...Good Luck, God Bless and my deepest sympathies to you on the lost of your husband.
not alone.
Warm hugs,
Pam
I am so deeply sorry for the loss of your husband.
I honestly don't know how you have held your feelings in for so
long. No wonder you Feel like you are ready to Explode!! .We all know where you are at right now. You need to get it out!
You have opened up here! You made a wonderful decision!
Here, you are in a safe place to vent., there is no emotion we all haven't been through.
You have put on a brave face for too long. I understand the grief you silently held in, during your husband's long illness. It's still continuing for you....please just those emotions out and start your journey of grief.
We are here, to support you.....there are many grief groups out there, that are supportive, maybe when you are ready, you can try some.
It took me a while before I found the right group.
Just know, that there are many people, here who care about you,
Hugs........Sandra
I understand the overwhelming pain. The inability to think you can't or unwillingness to move, in any direction.
I am scared to share my grief because I might loose control. I feel that I have now taken 3 small steps forward. First, I found this site, read others posts for about 2 weeks, realised I was not alone, second, I joined this group a few days ago and actually finally posted a little bit, thirdly, replying to you.
I share your grief, confusion, pain and anger, I also have done so quietly. I understand the need to release it all. But I guess for now my way of dealing with it is in small increments.
I do hope and pray you find the support you need here.
And yes I still sleep with my husbands jacket. It smells like him. ((Hugs))
I am sorry for your loss, and I can tell you that I did the same things you are talking about -- little chunks of sleep, jumping at every sound, and sleeping with their loved one's clothes (it was Cliff's bathrobe for me), these are all common things. And the anger, oh yeah! Anger like I had never known in my life!
Like Marsha says, this special hell won't last forever, thank goodness. It is going to be very hard for a while, but each day you will gain a little bit of strength, and you will get through this. I think we have all been in that dark place you speak of, I know I was, but I am still here. Don't give up. You can get through this, and you don't have to go it alone.
Welcome to our group. I am sorry for the loss that brings you here, but want you to know that you are welcome.
Love and Hugs,
Martha
Sending you lots of positive healing energy on this journey. Many have travailed the path before . . . many walking beside you. Hugs, Dayna
CRY, it is healthy to cry, you love him, you miss him......I do it daily.
I was having a good week and feeling pretty good about it, that was my first mistake, then BAM today just went into the crapper.
I am just under 4 months and I hate it....just hate it.
So you come here and talk, get it out because there is always someone up to share with.
Lot's of hugs
Jennifer
I am coming up to 7 months that I've lost my hubby and though i do my chores and get through the day lately I find myself not wanting to do any more than I must do. I want to clean up the closets and drawers and keep saying maybe tomorrow.
I miss my husband so much i am still having a difficult time and I am on anti depressants and anti anxiety mediciations!! I cry each morning and each night. I talk to people and sound normal and they thing I'm doing very good when in reality they don't see me when I am alone. There are some family members i can call and say I'm having a bad day, some help more than others, but still....there are lots of friends and family who just don't understand because they haven't experienced what we have. And if they have maybe they are okay with the whole thing and don't miss their spouses much because they fought alot or something, I don't know.
But 2 months is like yesterday and for me 7 months is like last month.
So don't think you just pickup and move on...hearts of stone maybe can, but broken hearts cannot.
Take care and don't be down on yourself. Your feelings of loss will last a long time but time helps you cope and if you need a doctor go see one.
I just know that time at least FOR ME doesn't heal, it merely makes be used to the changing circumstances facing me. I never knew I had so many tears to cry.
I wish you some sort of peace. Be patient with yourself.
I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. You have come to the right place. The door is always open here, and someone is willing to listen. So please come back often.
I feel I have to add one last thing ...
There is a huge difference between "moving on" and "moving forward." Moving on suggests leaving things behind, and I can honestly say that I did not want to leave my memories behind, no matter if they caused me heartache. Moving forward suggests keeping the good memories close and taking them with us as we gain the strength to face each new day.
Wishing you peace . . .