Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I've been dealing with the death of my husband and best friend of twenty years all on my own. My son's are grown and live several states away from me. I have been putting on a strong face (the I'm Ok face), and trying to get a long list of things done before I move several states away next month. But yesterday it got to a boiling point and I tried to find support in a grief loss support group (not just for widows). I found no support or help; I only felt much worse when I left there than when I had come there. Instead, I was made to feel that i needed to put an immediate a stopper in my crying. I lost my husband on March 16, 2015. Being in that group was extremely painful due to the individual running the group telling me "ok we are moving on," every time I would get to crying and being to a point of really getting some of this pain off my heart. My husband died less than two months ago and this is very raw and difficult for me. I know that everyone needs their time to share. But I've also been in battered women's group sessions that were more supportive than what I experienced. In those groups we knew and could tell when someone was new or needed that time because their pain was more evident of needing extra, immediate help and we gave it to that person. I went to the group because i keep having thoughts of going to a dark place that I know is not good for me or my sons. I guess I'm on the edge and trying all I can to not fall in that pit. The I don't want to deal with this anymore, I've had enough dark place.
My husband had stage four brain cancer. It was a long, arduous fight for him to try and stay alive as long as possible. I feel like I have this huge open gaping, bleeding wound on my heart and people keep picking at it with all the things that have occurred before and after his death. I can't handle people being rude, cruel, or disrespectful toward me because I'm not doing what they think I should be doing or feeling. I have so much pain and I have been stopping myself from feeling so much of it for a long while. I told myself I didn't have the time to deal with these feelings before and after his death. And now the feelings are too overwhelming and I can't keep pretending I'm all right.
I feel guilty now because I am so mad at my husband for leaving me all alone. I know that sounds dumb because it was never his fault and he tried everything he could. I'm angry at so many things. I feel like my emotions are constantly pulling me to sadness, anger, depression, and frustration. And now I'm having horrible nightmares. I'm worried at every little noise I hear when or if I got to bed. I haven't really been able to get more than 3-4 hours of sleep a night. I can barely eat. I guess the stress and hurt diet really works but I could forego this kind of diet.
Most of all i'm living in a house full of memories of him. I sleep with his jacket with me sometimes. I just can't let go and I know that is really stupid because you're supposed to move on. I'm not trying to hold onto the pain I just want it not to hurt as much. I feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest when it gets to being too much to deal with.
Confused, frustrated & barely hanging on
My husband had stage four brain cancer. It was a long, arduous fight for him to try and stay alive as long as possible. I feel like I have this huge open gaping, bleeding wound on my heart and people keep picking at it with all the things that have occurred before and after his death. I can't handle people being rude, cruel, or disrespectful toward me because I'm not doing what they think I should be doing or feeling. I have so much pain and I have been stopping myself from feeling so much of it for a long while. I told myself I didn't have the time to deal with these feelings before and after his death. And now the feelings are too overwhelming and I can't keep pretending I'm all right.
I feel guilty now because I am so mad at my husband for leaving me all alone. I know that sounds dumb because it was never his fault and he tried everything he could. I'm angry at so many things. I feel like my emotions are constantly pulling me to sadness, anger, depression, and frustration. And now I'm having horrible nightmares. I'm worried at every little noise I hear when or if I got to bed. I haven't really been able to get more than 3-4 hours of sleep a night. I can barely eat. I guess the stress and hurt diet really works but I could forego this kind of diet.
Most of all i'm living in a house full of memories of him. I sleep with his jacket with me sometimes. I just can't let go and I know that is really stupid because you're supposed to move on. I'm not trying to hold onto the pain I just want it not to hurt as much. I feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest when it gets to being too much to deal with.
Confused, frustrated & barely hanging on
Regarding the famous " move on" theme people have for us, they just have no idea what they are saying. I was explaining to a friend who was congratulating me on my "moving on" (I have been dating a wonderful man now for a little while) that it wasn't a question of moving on but more like having to continue going on instead of going to " the dark side". It will soon be 3 1/2 years for me and sometimes I surprise myself with thoughts of like it will soon be 1 year....then I remember oh no, I'm actually heading towards 4 years this coming December and come September it will be 6 years from his first seizure, sign of the brain tumor he had.
Instead of it being a raw pain inside of me, I now feel a numbness on my wound. It is bearable. I think of him everyday BUT I am able not to cry every day. It took me almost 1 year to start eating again (I had lost over 20 pounds during his brain cancer fight) and as far as sleeping, I consider it a full night when I get 4 consecutive hours of sleep...to this day....
I had to be strong during the disease. However I promised myself to let go after he would die. And I did let go. Big time. So big time that I am not sure how I just did not waste away and die. Often I could not drive my car because I was so dizzy. I would barely get out of the house. I wanted to stay in the house with the memories of him surrounding him. Two and a half years after his death the house no longer brought me comfort. Quite the contrary. I could only remember the horrible nights I had (the disease had turned him into a Dr. Jekyl and Hyde personality) and needed to " run" away. So I sold the house. Packing up was as if I had just lost him all over again. I gave away his clothing except the one fleece he loved so much - old and dirty - which I hug when a wave of despair overwhelms me (has not happened in a few months now).
You see Unicorn, we are all different but our journeys are very very similar. The loss of a loved one is a traumatic event. What you are going through is horrible. Very very horrible and as the other people posted before me, we are all so very sorry for this raw pain you are experiencing. Do not go to the " dark " side even if you want to. Try to think of the people who would find you. Then their hell would begin. Just try, like the AA people say, one day at a time. If one day is too much, then just focus on one hour at a time. Just try. Give time to time. Big virtual hug, Driftersoul.