I understand your heart ache I was with my husband when he has his heart attack but when they told me he wasn't going to make it and if I would like to go watch them doing cpr I said no it was to devasting after I regretted not being there the moment he died my brother in law had gone back and when I told him I hated my self for not going back he told me what the room looked like and my husband did it was a mess and something he couldn't get out of his head so I'm actually glad I didn't see it I wouldn't want that to be my last memory of my husband I know you feel like you need to know but maybe not seeing it is a blessing that you don't have that memory to haunt you I hope you do better and find whatever will put you at peace to remember the good you had with him

Thank you for your response. You are probably right. That it is a blessing. Though I let his family have the viewing they needed I steared clear of his body, and bless them they were very supportive of me in that. I knew at the time without a doubt that I did not want to see him like that. Now that it is far too late I am wavering. I still don't know that I would want to see him in a coffin but to see him right after seems different to me. I hate myself for not being the one to find him, though I know realistically there was no way I could have been.

TooMuch, first let me say that I am sorry for your lost and the pain you are going through. The thing about grieving is that it brings forth much guilt . It is part of the process to second guess everything and to feel guilty. My husband passed 8 days after a diagnosis of Cancer and I knew that he was in the final stages . The morning he passed, my daughter was extremely sick and spent most the night in the ER department of the hospital he was in. I divided my time between him and my daughter. As did my son. We would trade spot... When DD was finally discharged from the ER , my sister and a friend were in the hubby's room and strongly recommended that I along with daughter and son go home to shower and get some much needed rest. Once we left a nurse came in to sponge bath hubby so sister and friend were sent out of room and went for a coffee. By the time I got home, there was already a message on my answering machine to call back the hospital ...My beautiful within minutes of my walking out , had passed on.

I had been there non stop, I gone beyond what needed to be done and still it wasn't enough...Or so I thought...

It has been 4 years since, and having come further on this journey I have come to realize that the way he passed on was exactly how it was meant to be. I also understand that if I had been there I may have had different issues for having been there and I also would feel guilt for having my children go through his passing. While grieving and progressing in our grieve, we go through a million and more negative thoughts before the positive comes in. The positive is the understanding and growing and learning to accept what cannot be changed. Has often said , we cannot rewrite history... Eventually you may be able to have a report and view the results but again , with it will come much questioning and second guessing until you can move towards acceptance .

Acceptance is truly the only remedy to progress in my own humble opinion...

I was not present for the passing of my husband, my brother (who took his own life) and others that were very dear to me. Last year I was present when my dad passed on from a brain tumor... I am glad that I was there for him but for myself it did bring forth much pain and at the same time an understanding that not seeing my husband pass on might very well have been a blessing in it's own way.

Bottom line is that we lost part of us , it's not in the manner it happen and whether we were present or not, it is the ultimate devastation of having lost them and along with it the pain of grieve with all the turmoil until we can grow and heal enough to accept and continue forward on our journey.

hugs and positive thoughts

Marie

I've had several losses. Each one different yet alike. I also felt the need and still do sometimes I wonder about the accident scene and what their bodies looked like. But having been at the side of others when they passed....I truly know my mind and heart would just find something else to dwell on or wonder about. I know for myself it all boils down to they are gone I'm here and it's hard to deal with. Guilt, wonder, fear etc all take a turn thru my thoughts and each and every time I'm left with the same thing. They are gone and I am here and it hurts. It's hard to know what to do and how to go on. I wish I had something that I could offer that would help you all I can say is going to a group did help some.

I think I understand what you mean love. I'm glad I had the 2 weeks I had to spend with Michael as he died from his cancer. It was a gradual thing and I was accustomed to seeing his ravaged body so he looked no different when he passed. However, I was asked to view his body before the funeral a week later by the funeral directors and I flatly refused. No way could I do that and so my brave Dad did instead (apparently it's protocol) I'm sure my beautiful father sheltered me from the truth when I asked how my husband looked and only said "he looked like he was sleeping but he was a bit pale" bless him. Three years later, I no longer have the memory of Michael in a coma and looking like a skeleton. I now see him as the vibrant,strong young man I married 35 years ago.. We all feel guilty sweetheart. It's a part of this terrible process but we all survive in the end even when we think we could die from it. Big hugs Gail xx

You poor darling I thought that moment was going to be sacred that I would feel it ,be part of it but I'm left not knowing when he actually left me. I know when's he took his last breath but it doesn't seem relevant. At least I have a framework can only imagine how difficult it must be for you. Xx

I know how you feel, I wasnt there when my wife died. I wasnt feeling very well that day and elected to stay home. I regret it everyday. I found that not being there the last moment of my wifes life was the worst thing ever. I sometimes wonder what she was thinking the last minute.
Like you I feel like I have no closure, I didnt get to say goodbye and I didnt get to see her the last moments. I feel like seeing her body would have been horribly traumatic but for the first month I still believed it was a mistake despite burying her ashes.
The police said "You're young you'll get over it fast" but I still dont feel like I have any sort of closure and thats the worst thing ever. Which means even now 2 months on I feel no closer to feeling better.
I guess envy would be a wrong word but I am jealous of people whom got to spend time with their loved ones last minutes. It almost feels like its the last thing they'd think or see in the world. It somehow makes it feel more magical.

thank you for all of the responses and understanding. i still struggle with it, as we all struggle continually with whatever is hurting us, but i am trying to take your experiences and give the whole thing some different perspectives.

For all the horrible testimonials here, allow me to add a GOOD one. But first TooMuch I am so sorry for your loss, hearing what you wrote about your loss almost makes me feel good (if there is such a thing) about my experience. In a way I feel guilty even saying this after reading some of the testimonials from those less fortunate than myself. I only hope that what I say does NOT cause anyone any more undo grief.

I was fortunate enough to be there when my beloved wife passed just 3 weeks after being diagnosed with cancer, and it turned out to be actually one of the most beautiful passing's I could hope for. It was just the two of us in her room, I was holding her hands, she couldn't speak but looked up at me and opened her eyes wide, so wide in fact I had never seen her do that, as she had small almond shaped hazel eyes. But she opened them wider than I had ever seen and she gazed at me non-stop for almost 10 minutes and didn't blink once! and her lips had a soft sweet smile the whole time. I was singing to her a song off the top of my head about meeting her, falling in love, our life together, and how much I loved her, and how much she meant to me. You could plainly see the love in her eyes as she obviously was immensely enjoying me serenading her. I told her that no matter what, to wait for me, and that if it took all eternity when it was my time, I would find her. She drooled slightly never losing her smile, and slowly closed her eyes.... and then she was gone. The love of my life was gone. No gasping for breath, no look of fear, just calm and beautiful. WE often talked about our last moment together with both of us saying that it would be one of us lying in a hospital bed with the other holding our hand, and we would be the last person the other ever saw on this Earth.... and that is EXACTLY what happened. Except we believed that it wasn't going to happen for at least 30, maybe 40 years from now. Apart from that reality, I couldn't have dreamed a more peaceful and beautiful end to her sweet precious life.

I hope that this doesn't bring pain to anyone who wasn't as fortunate as I was, but I share it in hopes that maybe your loved one too maybe didn't have their end be as bad as you imagined. I'm hoping his last moments were spent thinking of you, the love you shared, and your life together, and that gave him peace as he passed from this life. Again, I am so sorry for your loss.

My wife told me that she wanted to die in my arms, and I was late. To make it worse, her eyes were open when I got there and I couldn't get them to close. She struggled terribly during the last four days of her life, but the last time I saw her alive, she was at peace. They sedated her, it was a beautiful thing to see her finally at peace, yet the pain of loss is just as bad.
I am a first responder, you did the right thing to stay away while they did their work; it isn't pretty and to lose in the end creates a terrible emptiness as the person begins their journey. Believe me, you don't need anymore trauma. God only gives you what he knows you can handle, and so it goes.
I know you can't stop looking back, but eventually you have to focus on the future because that's where we live.
Peace and love to you, and please come back we need you.

Again, the sharing of all of you has helped, because, although your stories are all different, the commonalities have eased some of the isolation I have felt. I did have an opportunity to sing heavenly praises, look into my husband's eyes, to speak scripture as he hovered in his body and finally, to know that he had fully left the shell that I had so loved to hold and hang around with. I truly expected a miraculous healing as we had both believed for, to occur at any moment.....until his very last breath and I knew he just couldn't resist the heavenly kingdom.
We too, had spoken of leaving this dimension holding hands but instead, the hand I held no longer contained my husband. I miss him and only want to join him. What must I do to run my race and finish my course so I can go, too?