Oh Julie, I've been thinking a lot about you. I understand the pain, I don't think it seems to lessen any either and just wanting to be with Charlie ( and Gary) is foremost in our minds.
I can only trust our dear friends here that at some point in time we will be able to see a bit of a brighter future. I read somewhere yesterday that the grief we are suffering tends to make us just exist as opposed to living. We will just have to find something to hold fast to so that perhaps we can start living again.
Love and hugs,
Polly

You put into words what I could not. Why did I not want to see the numbers increase when counting the months. It's because I wanted to go back. At some point I finally convinced myself that going back was not an option.

As you stated, I am now glad that every day brings me closer to closing up this life here and moving on to heaven where so very many of my relatives and friends are already. To be prepared, I have deepened my devotion to study of the Bible, reading appropriate books and attending Bible Studies at church. I am 66, female, and therefore not likely to find another soulmate in this life. Most of my thoughts now are of the future where I am going, for sure. There is actually some comfort in this acceptance of reality.

Julie,

I found these quotes that may give you some hope:

"People bring us well-meaning but miserable consolations when they tell us what time will do to help our grief. We do not want to lose our grief, because our grief is bound up with our love and we could not cease to mourn without being robbed of our affections." - Phillip Brooks

So, it is our deep love which is the source of all our pain. But, consider this:

"Perhaps the grief and the love will always be wedded to each other, like two sides of a coin. But maybe after a while, when we flip the coin, it will almost always be the love that turns up on top" - Martha W. Hickman (Healing After Loss).

So my wish for you today and every day is a newly "unfair" coin that turn up love with every toss.

May you find peace today,

tom

p.s. The full title is Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief. Please note that the author lost her young daughter suddenly. So, not all of the quotes and her interpretations are appropriate to all situations. You may throw this book across the room on occasion.

Julie,

Right here with you, Darlin'. I'm not sure which is worse: the anticipation of the anniversaries or the actual anniversaries themselves. And, yes, we seem to be measuring our lives in anniversaries.

When I'm in "that place" not much can pull me out of it. However, I find that if I ask (sometimes BEG!) Darrell for help getting through it, he does. He is still my comfort when nothing else works.

Hang in there, 'kay? And, continue to come to all of us to let us help with your burden. Some of us will be needing YOU tomorrow, or the next day, or the day after that, or...

Hugs and hugs,

Terry

Julie, I'm so sorry you are hurting so, but remember well that at around the time that you are at:

the numb auto pilot stage started to wear off and the full pain of my loss hit me. I was prepared for the emotional pain somewhat, but I never ever was prepared for the gut wrenching pain. It felt like someone reached into my chest and yanked my heart out...then threw it on the ground and stomped on it.....then thrust it back into my chest and left a huge gaping wound there where my heart was. It was totally totally unbearable and I cried oceans! Every time I got into the car and the radio played I cried. This meant every morning on the way to work I cried, every day at noon on my way home for lunch, at 1 when I went back to work, and when I got done work for the day...every every single day I cried!

I tried so hard to remember that Denny was all about living fully and he loved life so and he would have no part of me being so sad all of the time so I worked really hard at remembering that and that is what forced me (when I could be forced) to keep going...one baby step at a time.

Big hugs to you as you move forward one baby step at a time.
-Diana

I am about to hit ten months in a few days and still thinking of Joe all day long. I found that I talk to him more now than cry though. I think just talking to him as I go through my day makes me feel like he is around me.
We all take on tiny step at a time. Hugs to you, Ann

Greetings Julie

It is with deep compassion I write the following:

I genuinely hear your heart! The dichotomy you describe is fully valid, when considering how love between and man and woman bonds heart unto heart forever and an eternity. It is with great distress when death visits married hearts, regardless how or when. You speak with honesty of how it feels to part from ones spouse.

This surely speaks to how I have felt in being separated from My most beloved bride and wife. Your words of heart are honest and speak truly to the issues of separation that this process of grief brings to all who deal with their beloved passing from this earthly world unto afterlife. AND yet WE live on as do they

THANK you Julie

(((HUGS)))

In abiding Strength
BEAR

Julie, it's good that we all feel so close to each other that we can be open and honest about sharing our true feelings. Living alone in an empty house is my new way of life...beloved husband passed almost 13 months ago...my kitty-cat companion Lucy passed one-week ago.

I completely agree with you about our DS W/Ws group being a great source of compassion and understanding. It amazes me that we can receive and give words of comfort to our widowed friends, evenn though we haven't met them in-person. There's a genuine heart-to-heart bond here, and I'm very grateful for the kindness shown by all. Try to keep the faith, not always easy...but the best part is that we're never alone and can visit here 24/7...gotta count that as a blessing.
Sending hugs to you,
Nancy

I

Julie,

four months is possibly one of the worst parts of this 'journey'. It was for me. the rality of everything really starts to set in. you still wait for the door to open and him to be there, but you are starting to KNOW in your mind it won't happen. i remember it so well.

Julie, you are such a help and inspiration to all who know you here. Through your own pain, you constantly reach out to others to help uplift them, to relate to them, and to be honest about your own feelings at the same time. We all feel that way about DS and what it does for so many. YOU are a very important pasrt of DS and what it stands for...CARING SHARING, AND RELATING in a way no one else can.

MY hugs love, and hopes that the next month will be just a bit better than this last one was. xoxoxo Diane