Hi Victoria, I have a great friend.!!! It's almost two years. We are there for each other. He has diabetes and a routine of injections. I have mobility issues and more. We each like our space. We each keep our own place to live. He is such a help with little things at my place. I'm always here for him to talk. When he had a spell with the diabetes I was there for him at the Hospital each day. We go out to eat together a couple of times a week or have a pizza at my place. We shop,. We go for Sunday rides. We listen to music . It's a very nice friendship. We check on each other each morning by phone. He lives ten minutes away. Neither of us wants more . We are in our late seventies. Both are young at heart. There are pictures of Bob here and there in my place and one of he and his wife at his place. There is a deep fondness for one another between us. We respect that there was a love before us. I was married to Bob 40 years. He was married 45 years. We have visited the cemeteries together. I'm thankful for his companionship, friendship and sincerity. . Hugs, Dolores

Regwin, that is so wonderful to hear.
I get what you are saying. I think it is very important to respect the other persons past.
I am not in a relationship or anything but I ponder on these things.

I didn't give myself enough time. I still love the person I'm with but it's caused hardship. If you're ready to let go and move on, God bless. But be at that point. Be sure

I haven't posted in such a long time.... but this thread struck a cord with me. I lost my 1st husband in 2000 and remarried a couple of years later. I don't display pictures of my late husband. Not because my current husband has expressed any problem with it, but because I just don't feel comfortable doing it. But I have momentos of our life together on display throughout my home and my current husband has never expressed a problem with it. It's been almost 9 years since I lost my husband, but can still become emotional at the oddest moments...... the death of Senator McCain is a perfect example. My first husband died of the same brain cancer. While watching the news about McCain's death, I suddenly was reminded of the pain and loss of my first husband. My current husband, noticed ( like he always does).... and immediately changed the channel.

My late husband is spoken of often in my home, in the way you would speak of anyone that was close to you and has passed away. I'm blessed to have met and married someone who is secure enough not to be threatened by my memories. I'm blessed to have met and married someone who understands the importance of passing on memories to the grandchildren my first husband never got to see.

Moving on doesn't mean you have to leave your first love behind. Moving on means that you carry their memory with you as you move down lives' path either alone or with someone else.

If you meet someone who makes you feel like you can't speak of your lost love..... then that person is not the right person for you.

Pamela, that is a very good testimony of your journey. I do agree that past is a memory that no one can change. If a man is not secure or have a deep understanding of inner thoughts than That is not for me. I would want the others to treasure their memories as much as I will do on mine.

I remarried, my second husband is a widower I met in this group. Because we were both bereaved, we did the grief journey together, and then our relationship grew from there, so perhaps our story is a little different. There have been difficult days for both of us where we just know we need to support the other, just as we did when we were newly bereaved. Special days are still special days. Anniversaries are still anniversaries. Tears still get shed, the blues hang over you, that doesn't stop. Cliff was the love of my old life; Mark is the love of my new life. I love them both but differently, because I am not the same person I was. Someone here once said, "I'm not the same person that married him, and I'm not the same person that buried him." So true! Grief changes you, changes the direction of your life.

If you look for a replacement for your late husband/wife, you make yourself miserable. I tell people that if you are at a point where you are comparing people to the one you lost, then you're not ready to see someone as their own self and therefore not ready for a new relationship. If you can appreciate someone new without doing that, then it's a good sign.

Cliff and I were together for 30 years. That's 3 decades of MY history. I became a widow, I did not enter the Witness Protection Program. I still have my own history, and yes, Cliff was a participant and partner in that. How would I treat that like it didn't exist? Like half my life didn't happen? Not possible.

We remember who we lost and miss them because they were special. They would be glad to be remembered, and glad to know we are loved and happy again.

Hope this helps.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

Martha, Thank you for sharing your story. All true. It surely changes you as a different person. This is very encouraging and I am sure that someday I will be able to see a whole new person if I meet one. Until than, I march along this journey and I am fine with that..
Hugs

Dolores, Parmela and Martha, thank you so much for sharing your stories and Victoria, thank you for raising the topic. Nancy, my wife of almost 41 years, died last October. I think I have made a lot of progress along the grief journey, to the point where I have been thinking that I might start looking for someone to take out to dinner or the movies. I don't know how you are ready until you try it. While I am no where close to where you ladies are on my journey, I really appreciate your stories. A number of the things you mentioned match thoughts that I have had - not looking for a replacement, but looking for someone who understands that 40 years of loving someone can't be forgotten, but doesn't have to prevent a new relationship from blossoming. Time will tell.
Blessings and hugs to you all.
Joe

Hi Joe, It's good to hear you are doing well and considering moving forward. Personally, I feel that when you have had many good years with a spouse, it is not always possible to find the same exact kind of relationship with someone new. There is not the same kind of ups and downs, through thick and thin kind of situations. I have talked with friends on the subject and they agree it is very different. However it can be a very nice friendship, companionship, partnership. It can help fill the time being spent alone, but I can't speak for everyone who may have found true love in a new partner. It's just been my own experience. For me it's been important
to be able to talk about the previous spouse.and to respect the previous years spent in a marriage. When I decided I'd like to start to date I gave it a lot of thought. I hoped that if I met someone my children and theirs would understand that we needed companionship. I also thought about how I would react if a person I'm seeing became ill or how they would react if I became ill. I thought about what it would be like to be a caregiver. I didn't get a chance to care for Bob. He died one week after he had a massive stroke. As it turned out the times i was needed to help were few and far between. I also thought about what would be the correct way to handle dating financially. I knew that some ladies share the cost. As each instance arose I received my answers. I found I would reciprocate with a home cooked meal after being taken out for dinner. It seemed appreciated. It all seemed so new to me after being securely married for forty years. After a while I stopped thinking about all of those things and just let life happen. Wishing you
Lot's of Good Luck Joe. with your search. I hope you meet ladies who make you smile and are fun to be with Love and Hugs, Dolores

Dolores, Thank you for your thoughts and kind wishes. It's interesting that I have considered many of those same situations which you mentioned. I instinctively knew that I would never find someone like Nancy, so there is no reason to try. I am looking for someone who can accept me as I am with all my warts and baggage and whose warts and baggage are acceptable with me. But I fully expect that if that person comes into my life, I won't think about those things in that manner.

I wish you much joy.
Joe

My wife passed away last September on the 14th. With that and my own serious health issues I really have withdrawn from most social contact. Work and couple friends faded first, that's pretty typical. It was mutual so it is ok. I joined meetups recently for hiking and force myself out of the house. I still go on group motorcycle rides but that's being alone with support for problems. As I have been thinking about the year from hell I have discovered I want something, not sure what, but I know it's not romantic. Regwin you have what I think is the answer for me.

I have not met anyone new, but gradually I have been changing up things in my home. For instance, since my set of dishes remind me of both late husbands (we had and combined identical sets), I decided to do something different. The vintage pattern I am going with now is called "Forever Yours." I don't know if this is right or wrong, but it gives me something to get out and look for. I also resubmitted the headstone design this week and closed out his business account. It seems like everything is going in slow motion, but at least I'm moving. I don't have any pictures out.

My wife of 37 years died in June of 2017.I have not dated since her death and am just now starting to visit these support group sites. Every thing seem so complicated as evidenced by the responses written by others in this thread. I feel that one day I will get my footing but presently just feel so disoriented. It is like I just don't quite belong in the dating scene because I miss my wife. I understand that she is not going to return but I still have her pictures up and would feel disingenuous to take them down so as to not offend a prospective date.

I hope to one day be where some of the other responders are. But at this point it is just so hard to see how it will occur.

Edwin

Victoria, one day you will meet someone new, believe me. In your own time, when you are ready, it will happen. Yes, there is Life after Death, and a new Love and Happiness for many.

Babochka, that is so simple yet world of encouragement. Thank you for your kindness and deep understanding!! I have that faith within my sorrow.