This has to be the worst thing a person could go through. Oh, did i say "could" go through? I don't think I'm abel to deal with all this grief stuff very well. Everything you talk about is pretty much it for me too. the loneliness is so bad, but yet i don't want to be around anyone. Go figure. I thought I was feeling better but now i feel worse than ever, I mess my Berna more and more each day. Um, was I supposed to make you feel better? I don't think I can. All I can do is tell you that you are not alone in the things you are experiencing. Five months ago I loved my life, now I just plain hate it. We lost something so precious, how can we recover? They say it gets better, I hope it does someday, at least for you. I find it hard to care about anything, but I care about you, I will pray for you, that's about all i can offer.

God Bless, Sal

Dear Annie,
I am sorry for the pain and anxiety you are feeling today. I know some days are harder than others---some moments devastating. Sometimes too many things pile up and are just more of a load than we feel we can manage. Somehow we do, because we must. It's especially hard to be sick. It sounds like we had similar husbands that were there for us in most every way when they were alive. I am so sorry he can't be there now for you. I wish there was something I could do for you, but please know I will listen. You're in New York and I'm in Washington state, but we're just keys away on the computer. It is little comfort, I'm sure----but at least a little. I wish you health, a peaceful heart, and some restful sleep. I wish that for all of us.
With a caring heart, Sallie

Annie, sorry for all the extra family and legal issues that you are facing. Losing a spouse is bad enough!!! and I'm sure the added stress is causing the anxiety. Being sick adds to this as well.
We all run across those that think they know what we should do, how we should do it and how long it should take. Unfortunately only you know those answers and what is right for you.
Wishing you some peace and healing in the days ahead.....hugs

Ann,
I wish we lived close by, we could keep each other company.
You are looking for Peace, Comfort and Knowledge that everything will be alright.
I prayed for you to have this and I Believe God will not forsake you my dear friend.
I hate that you are so ill and all alone, Your loved here we will not let you be alone, feel all of us with you. Email me when you need to talk or message me on FB. Either way, I will be there for you.
Hugs,
Judy

I experience that same sense of panicked shock when real reality hhits me and I realize Nick is dead. I can repeat it time and time again like memorizing something for school. But when the real truth momentarily hits me it feels like an electrical shock has just shot right through me. I have read that this is normal and that in time it will lessen. I sure hope it does.
I am so sorry you are having additional troubles. All of these things add up.
I wish you strength to hang on and get through all of this. Warm wishes and hugs to you.

You said a mouthful when you said "just when you THINK you are dealing with the grief"...seems like that's just about the way it is for all of us....We just THINK we can deal with the grief"! We can some of the time but other times it has the upper hand, not us!
I'm so sorry you're having so many other things to deal with...will be praying for you!
Please keep in touch with all of us here...together we can help each other just plain cope as best we can.
Take care!
Del

I can`t think of anything worse then being sick, anxious, troubled, and Alone. With your husband beside you the burdens are so much lighter. Proven fact that after you lose your spouse you are most likely to have a life threatening illness the first year! Sorry that was harsh, but we do get it and have had the same panicky feelings, our world has shifted, and we don`t want to fall off! God bless you and keep you G-

Annie, those awful feelings of anxiety are part of this lonely valley we have to walk through. I am so sorry you are ill, I know that makes it even more difficult.
The anxiety I am experiencing is what has thrown me more than anything else. The past year I have had to make hundreds of decisions, some of them extremely important, all by myself. My husband let me make a lot of the day to day decisions but I always had him as a sounding board to voice objections or affirmations.
Now it is just me and somedays I think if I have to make one more decision I am going to lose it.
I have a few friends who are widows, and they promise that it does get better.
Here's hoping and praying for all of us.
Cecilia

I am so sorry that you are going through the things you have to endure. Being sick and alone is horrible and to add legal issues to it makes it even worse. I will pray for strength for you both physical healing and emotional. Emotionally we are here for you always. Please know that you can reach out to the group for support. As for the physical part, is there anyway that you could receive some sort of home care. You know someone to come in and assist you. You might want to mention to your doctor that you could use some support in that area. I know you are scared, who wouldn't be but please know we all care. Hugs, Anne

I know all about anxiety and what it does to our minds and bodies. I am so sorry that you have the added stress of Lymes and babesia - making your anxiety even more pronounced - I don't know exactly what words of encouragement I can give to you other than to just try to focus on taking care of yourself, physically and emotionally. Three months is just starting out on the grief journey. Let people know who feel you should be "further along" (if they only could walk in your shoes for ONE day) that this is not something that will ever go away entirely and grieving is hard work- everyone has their own time frame with working through it. And having to deal with the physical problems just compounds that process.
I know our reasons are different but I know what you mean about just wanting to "work once again and get out in the world" - to get some normalcy back into the picture.
Try to hang in there. I will be thinking of and praying for you!
Deni

Grieving and being sick at the same time is just "no fair". You need all your strength and energy just to deal with all the issues after the death of your husband. Getting ill is pretty common, though, because grief takes such a toll on your immune system. Prioritize!!!! Try to only deal with the most important issues first and let the others go for another time. Usually, we can handle things one at a time that seem impossible when viewed as a whole. Put your health at the top of that list and get plenty of rest, fluid and good nutrition.

To answer your question about being OK one minute and then a wreck the next is completely normal, especially in the beginning. You will notice, as time goes on, that while you still take steps backward, they will be less each time, until all your steps are forward. I am at 1 year and I still take those backward steps. I am looking forward to the day when I don't but do not put pressure on myself to force it.

Take care and God bless you,
Claire

Anxiety is the worst!!! And those triggers seem every single day especially at three months. The legal issues of probate will drive you nUTS!!! As well as family issues. Stop if you can, and relax. It's as if you are bried under paperwork that is so MEANINGLESS now, and the companies you deal with have NO empathy whatsoever for what you have just emotionally been though including the hospital they passed at! I haver been through that and do not have Lyme desease but have Minneires. It has been TEN FOLD what it was since Greg passed. The stress brings it on even worse!

I hope that you can have someone stay with you during this time of these meds. You should have MANY to help and I know it seems there is no one. Don't be afraid to ask someone to check on you! We ALL care here for you annie and FEEL right there with you! Wish it could be more!!!

Let us know how yo are, and PLEASE if you need to vent or SCREAM do it right here. We will all understand belive me no matter what it is, and hopefully that will help a bit with the stress. there is NOTHNG you can say that I havent including VERY COLORFUL explitives at times!

I'm so sorry hon, and I care. Please know that. HERE for YOU!

Love, Diane

I have a panic disorder also. It did not occur until two months ago. I take an anti-depressant and the dosage was increased. They are not intense now, meaning they don't rule me. I am able to close my eyes, and confront the attack, asking myself what I am afraid of, how I can solve it, etc.

Just my two cents

You are at only 3 months. That has been NO sufficient time to grieve and work through so many issues. I believe all of us have experienced over and over the 2 steps forward, 3 steps back at times. You are normal in that, for sure. I began getting a bit of a grip on my life at 6 months. Prior to that, I was just in autozone. I am so sorry for your illnesses and other problems. I pray that you have some family and friends who can help out some for you, with meals and a backrub or such. You will survive and there will be a better day than today. I didn't believe it, but it has come to pass. I will pray for you, that God will have mercy on you and bless you and meet your needs. (((Hugs))))

Okay...I am going to go deep again. Anxiety is the bodies fight or flight response. If we start to walk in the road and a Mac truck is coming...we have a burst of adrenaline which makes it possible to "get the H@$$ out of the road. If a car falls on our friend and we are standing there, this same adrenaline is known to give us enough strength to move the car off them.

Cave men and women needed the adrenaline to get away from the dinosaurs that were about to make them food. "Run fast Tor...Run Fast!"

There are a lot of different kinds of anxiety. Most of it is healthy!

There is something called Separation Anxiety. It is the same thing when a child is separated from a parent. It is the bodies flight or fight response to that separation. It is the subconscious brains response to being separated from the very person the child is sure is responsible for their very lives. The childs subconscious mind is certain that they will not survive without the parent. It is very traumatic.

Some children experience this separation anxiety and if they are then left with someone that is not safe then the separation anxiety can become worse and worse.

When a person experiences separation anxiety they cannot eat, cannot drink, cannot sleep, cannot think... all they can think about is the other person and how they cannot survive without them.

This anxiety can reach higher and higher levels and a person can be left thinking that they are losing their mind.

The adrenaline boost without a healthy outlet just creates this feeling of panic that takes a long time to go away.

The key to separation anxiety is separation from the one the person is sure is responsible for not only the person's happiness, but their very life and survival in this world.

What happens with some couples is they become one and feel that the other is not only what makes them happy, but what makes them survive....so they may be certain that they cannot survive without the other.

Adults that experienced strong separation anxiety in their childhood usually experience it as adults when they suffer a loss. So many factors can be part of this anxiety.

I work with many people who experience anxiety on different levels.

Anxiety...especially separation anxiety places a person at an emotional 15. With 1 being almost sleeping, and 10 being so emotional a person cannot think.

If a person begins to experience this, it is important to eat small amounts. Eating brings the emotional 15 down to an 8 so at least the person can think. It is good also to do something physical..like go for a walk.

Sometimes it helps to know what anxiety is so that is why I have gone into detail with this post. It is not the same for any two people, but some parts of it are the same.

If you experience anxiety, please know first of all that it is a normal response. Also please eat or drink small amounts so you can lower your emotional level so you can think. Also please know that though it feels like you cannot survive right now, you hold within you what you need to survive and even though it is unbearable now, someday it will get bearable.

Also please do not hesitate to seek professional help if needed.

You are not alone in how you feel and others before you were sure they could not survive too and are here years later to tell you that they did survive.

This certainly will not apply to everyone, so once again, if this does not apply to you, please just ignore it. If it does apply to you, maybe learning this can help.

hugs..
-Diana