Kate . . .

I won't go through my whole story here; it's in my only journal entry if you'd care to see it. But let me say that what you have posted mirrors my thoughts today just about word-for-word. I do so wish I had done things differently, especially in the last year that Sam and I had together. I wish I would have had a greater appreciation for what we had, instead of taking it all for granted. I remember Sam once saying to me: "Don't worry; I'll always be here." And silly me ,,, I believed it.

Blessings to you ... and a wish for strength for tomorrow ...

You guys need not have regrets. They only make you feel worse. I know, I still have them and I am trying like heck to push them away. I think I'm making progress, but as you know they rear their ugly head every once in a while. My profile is open too, you will see why I say that.

Just know your husbands loved you very much, and that love never dies. I know my wife loved me and still does. I feel it everyday.

As humans we do tend to take things for granted. Having gone through this loss, I will never do that again. I guess I have learned something from loss. It's a shame we have to go through this for that lesson isn't it? Maybe we can help others to not make that mistake in their lives.

God Bless

Thank you all for sharing. My husband passed six weeks ago. So many emotions arise each day and buckets of tears. The last month of his life was the hardest. I also feel guilt and wish things could have been done differently. Is this part if the grief process where we think we could have been super heroes? There can't be anything harder in life than watching someone die. My girlfriend said to "let it go, you did the best you could." I just wish I had more patience. Maybe this will be our gift to share with someone else in the future. My heart is broke he is gone.

You have enough to deal with without taking guilt trips - they are a waste of strength and energy. We are ALL human enough to make mistakes and so we do. Forgiveness is also always there. Forgive yourself first - he has certainly forgiven whatever faults you have. Remember that if it had been the other way around, your husband would be the one wishing HE had been better. You both loved, faults and all! Marriage vows should read "In sickness and in health...faults and warts..." That is the reality, so now, find at least one memory a day where you know you you walked the extra mile. You made each other happy (AND unhappy) but it was all good. ((HUGS)) I also took my partner for granted, and was taken for granted in return BECAUSE WE COULD!

Katexyz123,

I'm sorry you're having a bad day, but know that all your days won't be like that. I'm a little over 8 1/2 months along this journey and you will have days where your whole soul aches, but unfortunately it is apart of the process. I do hope your days begin to have some rays of sunshine.

I wish we could all get a do over, and you're right it doesn't seem fair, but know you have people who will listen. Take care and be blessed.

Geminii74

Kate, I'm having a bad day today after a fairly good on yesterday. I should have known it wouldn't last. I so wish I could have a redo. I have guilt issues that I just can't seem to shake no matter how rationally I try to think about them. My husband was in and out of rehabs and hospitals for the 5 months he lived after his brain cancer dx and surgery, chemo and rad and finally an abdominal bleed due to drug combinations that actually killed him. The guilt is even though I spent every day all day with him, I'd go home in the late afternoon. I just needed a break from watching him slowly die. But now I feel it was selfish on my part. I was not there when he passed, which was one day after I had gone home in the eve. For that I'll forever feel guilt. And I know he wanted to be home to die. But he was bedridden and in diapers and needed two people to move him in bed. I felt he had better care there, Doctors and nurses. I was alone with no family help. BUT I could have brought him home and hired basically 24/7 care. Not knowing how much time he had left, I worried about the expense of this...not covered by any insurance. He only lasted about two months in the last rehab place. I feel so unbelievably guilty about this. I feel I was so selfish. I also feel he will never forgive me. I've had no sign from him. I had never experienced anything like this and had never been a caregiver. I feel I failed miserably. And then of course the feeling of taking it all for granted when all was still good. Just never expecting it to end so soon. We thought we had years yet. All the little things I could have said or done over the years ...things you just don't think about. We knew there was much love between us and we were very close and spent all of our time together, but I now feel he is so disappointed in me. This is making my grief process harder. So I know how you feel. It's the regrets, the things we can't go back and say or do. And living with these feelings for perhaps years yet. I just don't know...we are all in this together, but not all of us have the guilt...the fortunate ones don't .....Mary

I know, I will be just great, then something knocks me down again. Staying busy is the only thing that helps. God bless.

Sorry you are having a difficult day. Everyone has some regrets in the course of a marriage. We are just human beings. Close your eyes and begin to remember all the times you laughed together, enjoyed a movie together, special moments like Holidays, anniversary dinners, family times... You will find as you look, that despite all the flaws we all have, he stayed in love with you, and you with him. Love, is a tremendous success story. Marriage is never perfect, because none of us are. We do our best, sometimes we feel that we fell short here and there, but, remember, the triumph of the end result, which is our unending love for them, and their's for us. One day, we will be with them once again, and you may find that some of the things you consider to be flaws, may be nothing more than endearing qualities to the one who knows you better than anyone.Remember the smiles and the love, just let the rest go, tell him you love him every day, he hears you, and he knows. Comfort and prayers to you, and all who struggle with this today.
Robert

Robert, I know you were responding to Kate but I feel guilty alot just like she said. So your response helped me so much. Thank you
Nancy

marysch... Please do not feel you failed him. Please understand, I was a caregiver to both my mother through ovarian cancer until her passing and for my husband during his lung cancer journey until he passed in our home. Not everyone can be a caregiver in the same way as someone else, however, the most important part of being a caregiver is exactly that, being concerned about the care that your loved one is being given. You were concerned about his needs and that is why you made the decisions that you made, you loved him and wanted him to have what was best for him. There is no guilt or shame in that. If it required 2 people to lift him, you are one person, certainly he would do the math and understand and appreciate every decision you made on his behalf. I am very new to this group and have only chimed in on a few discussions. I just felt compelled to tell you that I have seen both sides and you have nothing to feel guilty about. Let go of the guilt, as long as you know in your heart every decision you made was out of love for him, he knows that too. I wish you peace.

Guilt and a chance to redo what is done is a part of life that we all do after words are said or actions taken and not taken and wanting to take back. It happens to everyone, but in this case we can't look them in the eye to make things right in our heart.
For me its realizing a bigger picture of our thoughts. I believe our life here on earth is but one small part of the picture. The spirit lives on not based on words or deeds, but on love. The love never dies but sustains us into the future after words and deeds have passed away. You loved and have been loved in return. That is the blessing that erases human actions and the love remains. Sharon

Sharon is exactly right. In heaven there is nothing but unconditional love. Our loved ones continue to love us totally just as we still love them. Now and forever.

I went to see the movie Heaven is Real, and prior to that read the book and one line reached out to me and I teared up as I heard it. I won't spoil the movie but the line was...do you think God loves my son more than yours? I believe Gods love is total and unconditional. Even though our loved ones have passed it doesn't mean they were loved any less by God. This is my belief. I understand that others beliefs may be different but this helps bring me peace. Some day we will all know.

Mary, I can so relate to your post. I have many of the same regrets about caregiving. But, as someone mentioned, that is not a talent that all of us have and I knew that about myself before any of this began. Unfortunately no one took that into account before deciding that my husband was going to stay home to die. I ultimately had him put in the hospital the last two days before he died because he could no longer swallow and was complaining of pain more and more often and I felt he could get better care in the hospital, which he did. His pain was managed much better in the hospital and the bed was much more comfortable for him than what had been provided for our home.

I, too, was not present when my husband died. I was away from him for two nights--one to try to catch up on some sleep because I had basically not slept for two months and the second night I felt that I should spend a little time with a friend who had come to visit who had just lost her husband 3 weeks earlier. I was so heart-broken because I felt that I was finally going to get to spend some time with him as his spouse instead of his nurse. I don't know why I was denied that but I had to accept it as one more cross to bear.

As several have said, our loved ones understand fully now what is in our hearts and they know our weaknesses and fears in a way that they could not while still here. That has given me great consolation and I hope that it will do the same for you.

The "if only's" plague all of us, whether the death was slow and terrible or unexpected and terrible. Robert said it extremely well, and I agree with everything he wrote. No marriage is perfect, no human being is perfect - that's why we love each other - we see the perfections and imperfections in each other. The most desired thing in the world is love - and you gave him that and he knew it. Nothing else really matters. It takes a while to cry your way through to that fact and out of the guilt. Guilt is the single most useless emotion, it serves no purpose and just wipes out what little is left of your strength. Please don't give into it.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

I"m new here but so much rings true in what you say. I think of all the times i didn't pay attention, I didn't go for the walk, I didn't offer the compliment, I didn't do the kind and/or generous thing - the list goes on. Regardless of all that, I have become more deeply conscious of how much I loved my wife and how much she loved me. Perhaps the greatest compliment she ever paid me was that she always knew I would come back. She was referring to one of the dumb arguments that would result from something trivial and she meant that she was confident I would always take a second look and come back and try to make it better. She died at 12:45 pm on the 30th of December and I sat beside her overnight. One thing I treasure is a journal entry I wrote around 3:30 in the morning. I looked at our imperfect life together and was so moved by the realization that in our ups and downs and always coming back to each other we were living out the reality of love: two imperfect people committed to the idea of each other together and dealing with the reality that entailed. It was REAL and I am so grateful for that. I miss her so.