I answered someone who wanted advice dating a widower - afterwards I thought now wait a minute was she a widow herself? BUT too later I did not think....besides duh!!???

The description of the community currently is

"This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss."

To me that is clearly intended to be a support group FOR the individuals who have experienced that loss - rather than ABOUT widows and widowers.

However I doubt if any of these posters read the description - it isn't immediately obvious.

I suspect what is happening is that people google "d*ting a w*dower" and DS appears. Actually right now it's ranked 8th on google and it links to a post on this board.

So people posting those questions here, us answering them or talking about posts using that phrase will probably bring more people here - it's the way search engines work.

I do not mind giving advise to someone dating a widow even is she is not. We are all widows/widowers here and of course for anyone who is in the early stages of grieving can not relate..for some of us who have been here for a long time ,like myself..I am willing to help with my advise..it's important because no one understands how difficult it is to be in a relationship again if you lost your spouse...only those of us here can relate so to share with someone who is trying to find out how to make the new relationship work is fine with me. We all know not to come on strong..we all know that we are going to have bad days and we all know that we are always going to love our beloved. Anyone who is willing to get involved with a widow has to be willing to accept the package and the rollercoaster ride..if they are patient, loving and compassionate..then maybe one of our friends on this site will no longer be alone.

The way I see this issue is that those asking for dating advice from a widowed person from a site for grieving widowed is insensitive and uncaring. If they spent ten minutes reading any of the postings they would, if they had a brain, realize how inappropriate it is to ask for this advice. Try as I might to ignore these advice seekers it just irritates me. I do wonder if these posters are for real. There have been many imposter's that try to stir it up. If they are not posers and are for real they miss the maturity mark as far as I am concerned. If you want to know something about the person you are with, discuss it with them. Opinions..even mine..are like..you know and we all have one but the one that matters is the other half of the asker.
Taking up my soap box...sorry, been this way since menopause

I just feel that what better place can a person involved with a widow get advise re: the do's and don't in dating one...No one understands what a widow feels or goes through accept another widow..I had my own friends say things to me weeks after my husband dies insinuating I should be better..what do they know..I couldn't get angry..they are innocent and I hope they never have to truly understand. I don't feel they are being insensitive..no one has to open there post,read it or respond to it..it's by choice. I believe they are turning to someone for advise re: a certian type of person that only a widow really knows..

I think the only thing that would work in the way of discouraging non-widowed people from coming here asking dating advice would be if we ALL refused to discuss the issue with them and directed them to search for another site dealing with dating issues. Personally I agree with those who feel that it is insensitive for them to invade our space, which is for grieving and supporting each other. laurabp

At this stage of the game, the last thing I want to read about is dating. It is far from my mind. There is not one man out there my age that would want to take on five kids..one a new born. I think there are some that might want a share of my business. Maybe I am being cynical...?

I was listening to something on TV yesterday that got me upset. Dating means one is having a physical relationship. Geez...I am young and I never thought that. I feel like I live in a cave for not being informed. This is the last thing I would want.

Maggie

Just like all the other things that fry other peoples feathers, it didn't bother me - but I do remember her being here before. If she really wanted information, the easiest way would be to read some of the posts - get the feelings/ideas and learn from them. The fact that she is questioning all of this means that she is probably pushing him too much , and he's reacting. She deserves to have her own relationship for sure, but if she can't wait - it's not to be. We had a similar discussion about friends - not knowing how to react to us - its a delicate subject. I've BEEN through menopause, so I'm mellow - ha ha ha. I do however love to gossip!!!

Hadn't thought of that acurious. I always read what the group is about before posting. Guess we will have to ignore them. Or maybe they can just be deleted.

I can honestly say that the question did not bother me. I think questions like that cause us to examine ourselves and perhaps that is where the disdain is rooted. Being tossed into the hypothetical, provides it's own kind of growth and healing and since this world is content to go on with or without me, it helps to be part of it. These side issues of loss are something we will face either personally, through friends or through family.

The question didn't bother me but hadn't come to my mind either that she didn't have to request an answer and advice. It is true, just read our posts and she will have a small idea of what a widow and widower goes thru. And we can always just ignore the post and not open it.

I guess I thought it was small stuff, and I just shrug off the small stuff.
I think there is so much more important things going on to worry about a post like this - I can ignore it easily enough.

There is plenty of good comfort and advice going around to offset this asking how to deal with a widower.

Actually we had yet another one - again asked for advice and then when they got replies asked for the post to be removed. I've closed it and informed DS.

Thanks, Acurious. They didn't bother me, but the place was turning into a dating advice site. I saw the one you were talking about and thought, I can't beleive this. Why don't they just go out and buy a book.

I too saw the post and thought why is she here asking us. I ignored it. I did not think it was appropriate for her to be in our group.