Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

3,758 Members

19,465 Posts

0 Online

deleted_user 08/02/2014

I am writing regarding dealing with a wide range of emotions over my husband's death (Dec. 2013). Before he died, he had 13 years of bad health which was largely due to his own making. Prior to his illnesses, we were separated and basically reunited due to his health issues. Our marriage never recovered but over the years the hurt and anger softened.
I told myself I forgave him but could not forget. I lied. After he died I realized I was fooling myself. Now I find myself learning more about his unsavory behavior that led up to the separation and getting pissed off all over again.

My emotions have been all over the place since he died anyway. I have guilt and regret up the yingyang. I have anger at him for putting me and the kids through years of hell because of his choices. I'm mad at myself for choosing to stay with him. And yet I'm so sad that he's gone and I find myself missing him and grieving for what might have been and what should have been. I don't have anyone to talk to about my thoughts and feelings so here I am.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? How do you process grief and despair that has been building for several years? How do you deal with anger at your deceased spouse over behavior you're just learning about?

Lexygame1 01/09/2019

I feel very much how you feel. I too feel angry at my husband . He passed away on Thanksgiving 2017. Married 20 years and he hit midlife crisis . Abandon me and had an affair and then got cancer. I stood in the background til my sister said you need to let go. I did. I was his caregiver his last 3 weeks of life. He cried and told me he had been a fool and why did it take an illness for him to realize all those precious moments he lost with us. I tried not to ask or stress him out but I still had a lot of issues and questions concerning the affair who he said he told her he couldn’t have a relationship with her because of his illness. I think it was because he was already coming to the end of his midlife crisis. However, I’m left with did he really love me even though those 3 weeks he told me when he got better we were going to travel and he called me Mami and my love.

trinilisa 01/09/2019

I can't say that I've been through the exact same thing as you, however I can relate to the anger part as well as the sadness. I found out that my spouse had a heart condition which led to clogged arteries (93%) which ultimately led to his sudden massive heart attack and death. My initial anger was more geared towards my mother-in-law, who admitted to me that she had not made known the history of heart disease in the family. Aside from that, I do sometimes feel angry at him for leaving me, especially when I am stressed out which is right now. I found that writing down my anger really helped me. The good thing about writing in the journals here is that you can set it for you to view only in the privacy settings if you prefer. I think that the emotion of anger is normal so if I were you, I wouldn't worry about it. My husband has been gone almost 11 years now and I still feel anger at him from time to time for not looking into his family health history and possibly being able to confront it. Sorry my post is all over the place, but ultimately I meant to say that I can sort of relate and send hugs to you and wish you well and to say don't be hard on yourself.

Clarinda 04/05/2019

I am mad as hell at my husband for dying. I see it as just another in a long line of abuses that he handed out to me. I finally left after many, many years, but feel very angry now. I elide on him for my own feeling of security and can't adjust to the loss

shewearsblack17 04/08/2019

Ironic that this older post, for whatever reason, came back. Just a few minutes ago I vented a few things on Widows and Widowers of Faith, how I was feeling like I really wasn't the official widow. I didn't go deeply into what I was feeling, but these comments are drawing it out of me now. I want to maybe elaborate more tomorrow, as it's late tonight. It helps to know that others are experiencing the same hurts, anger, rejection, etc. I may climb up on the roof and shout it out. (I am saying that "tongue in cheek.")

shelda 04/14/2019

I am not angry anymore, I used to be when he was alive But ultimately I don't believe he thought it was going to cause his death. I do not believe he died on purpose either. He was human and made mistakes as i have and still do.I treasure my memories of him and when i get angry over what he did or said 5 to 35 years ago..lol I remember I am human too and made mistakes. Forgive and move on to happier memories ( Hugs)

Clarinda 05/07/2019

I am angry at my husband who was abusive for years before he died. With him gone, there is no pay back for what I endured. I am so ver y, very angry--I feel he glt away with murder.

babochka 05/08/2019

Think about it this way, Clarinda: He is DEAD, and you are still around. That means, you WON, and he LOST.
He cannot abuse anyone now, no matter how much he would have loved to (ha!).

kevs_sad 05/10/2019

Clarinda, he has not gotten away with anything. He has faced the Final Judge for how he lived his life and hurt you and others. We will all face that Final Judge. We need to be ready to do so. Part of getting our own spiritual house in order is to get ourselves free of past hurts through forgiveness. Thats not about letting anyone off, its about getting ourselves unshackled from the continuous abuse that unforgiveness does to us.

Join the Conversation

Posts You May Be Interested In

DEALING WITH LOSS OF WIFE

Posted by: OLDBIKER

Last Reply: OLDBIKER 08/31/2026

6

Just thought I would join this group now that I am a widower. My wife passed away May 28th. She was "The Wind Beneath My Wings". When I met her, I was a drunken, dope smoking, fighting, hell raising biker. She told me if I could get rid of the inner storm within me, that I could be a blessing to people. God placed her in my path to stop me. I have been drug and alcohol free now for 53...

DEALING WITH LOSS OF WIFE