I get angry sometimes but for different reasons. My husband didn't take care of himself like he was supposed to and that started the down hill roll get got on. But, I am angry at him the most because he gave up on us and on life. When he was told he couldn't have another transplant due to an illness, he just gave up. Told me he didn't want to have to go through the rest of his life on hemo-dialysis. When he went into the hospital the last time he had waited until he was really sick instead of letting me take him days before. I think he wanted to die. So I do get really angry at him. That he would choose death over me and our child makes me really angry.

What helped me was a new understanding that we all autonomous human beings and while we have a variety of roles such as a spouse, a parent, etc, ultimately, our life is ours to live,our body is aching separately, our mind cannot be shared or possessed, It was extremely selfish of me to think that he had to design his desires, wished, inspirations all out of need to meet my expectations. It does not work this way. His life calendar was his, and it was not for me or whoever else to decide how and how long he had to enjoy or endure and suffer. I am learning to accept that it has nothing to do with my wishes, my expectations, Trying to see life through someone else lenses. It is humbling experience.

I agree with comfortablynumb. I believe we are somewhat in control of our destiny even though we may have chosen the outcome prior to our birth. I was never mad at my wife. She would never have chosen to get cancer and die. We had too much to live for. I don't think anyone really believes they are going to pass even though they have bad habits etc. we all have a feeling on invincibility. I have learned a lot since my wife's passing. I have learned that tomorrow isn't promised to us. Live for today. Live like everyday is your last. Be kind to others like you want them to be kind to you.

I don't think we have a choice but to make "peace with all the pieces" otherwise we're going to make our life alot more difficult. Anger is part of the grieving process no matter where it comes from. You can't rewrite history, it is what it is, so try & let it go. You made decisions based on how you felt at that time & they were probably the right ones then. Most everyone looks back with some regrets. If we're smart we learn from the good & the bad experiences in life, hopefully that will make for better tomorrows.

So sorry for your loss. My husband didn't take care of himself either and neither did he care to understand how serious his condition could become. He just assumed the doctors could fix him, until they couldn't anymore. I was and still am angry but I miss him too. It's a conflicted grief for a difficult man.

For me, I don't know if I would call it anger but I certainly had some issues to deal with concerning my husband. I did not agree with his decision to try to treat his cancer. It was a very aggressive form of colon cancer with a 5 year survival of 0%--yes, zero. I could tell from my research that they had nothing effective to treat it with and it progressed very rapidly. He was diagnosed in April and I wanted him to just accept what was and go fill his bucket list. Instead we started the chemo merry-go-round where he felt miserable most of the time and didn't really enjoy a lot and did basically none of his bucket list.

While I agree with comfortablynumb on most everything, in this I disagree. When you are expecting someone to be your caregiver, I think they ought to have some input. Not only did I not get any input there was never one kind comment said to me about anything that I did for him. Nothing. I am not a nurse, never wanted to be a nurse and everything about it stresses me out horribly. Jake never acted like he understood that at all.

He also made the decision that he wanted to die at home knowing that I am not a good nurse and did nothing to prepare for it. I did not sleep the last two months of his life and not only was I his sole caregiver except for two weeks, we had people visiting constantly for whom I had to provide beds and meals.

He also refused to talk about the future and we had no conversations about what I was going to do after he died. Jake was a deeply religious person most of his life but when he got his terminal diagnosis, he did not deal with it well at all. So, anger, not really, but deep, deep hurt, yes, I have had my share.

There were things that happened during our marriage that caused problems, and there were things I discovered after Cliff died that created additional problems. I understand the feeling of having forgiven but being unable to forget, and the additional things I discovered after he died just made it worse. Grieving and being angry at the same time for a variety of reasons puts a real spin on your head - you feel guilty for feeling angry, you feel angry for feeling sad, and it just becomes a huge emotional tangle. And all the while, you're still missing them terribly, and trying to help your kids through the grief, too. It really sucks, to be blunt about it.

How to deal with it?? The strongest, most effective thing is going to be counseling with a professional. When there have been complications in the relationship, it is harder to work your way through the maze of feelings. It can be intimidating, too, when you hear or read of other people's "perfect" marriages. It can make you feel even more isolated. The truth is that no marriage is perfect, but some are more tumultuous than others. Mine was intense and tumultuous; perhaps yours was, too. Counseling put the biggest dent in the problems I had with the crazy mix of emotions.

Another thing that helped me was to 'talk' to Cliff every night before I went to bed. If I missed him, I said so. If I was supremely pissed off at him, I said so. Sometimes just getting it off your chest can help relieve the anxiety and upset. I also wrote him letters, wrote him poems, and songs. I also journaled both on paper and here electronically. These were practical things I could do on my own which helped.

Anger is a natural part of grieving, even when there were no issues prior to the loss. Some of the anger will naturally dissipate, too. Everyone also feels guilt and regret, too. What I am trying to say is that some of this will ease up naturally, but it sounds like not all of it will.

I had counseling which I received for free through an Employee Assistance Plan at work. If you are working, check to see if you have something similar available. You can also check with hospice - they often do. My older son received counseling through the same program under my benefits. My younger son was still in school, and he received counseling (again for free) through his school psychologist and school guidance counselor. If your kids are school age and having a hard time when school starts, check with the guidance department and see if they can help them.

You can also read books on grieving, I read a few, the best one for me being "Seven Choices-Finding Daylight After Loss Shatters Your World" by Elizabeth Harper Neeld. Check to see if your local library has it so you can read it for free, or you can order it from Amazon - used copies are pretty cheap.

Hope this helps, and I'm sorry you are having to deal with this.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

I think even the most perfect marriages are probably far from it. No marriage is perfect and neither are we. I can't believe I found your post. When you're with someone for 33 years, "things" happen. Things are kept private. And then when that person dies, those things might still be in your head. Maybe they were recent or maybe they were years ago - doesn't matter - they're there and we have to deal with them. And suddenly the person that dies is turned into a saint - maybe they were, maybe they weren't. I guess we have to concentrate on the good in the person. I too went through something similar - we never separated but went through hard times. I try very hard not to think about it. I try to concentrate on the good times - hopefully you had some that you can do the same. I know it's hard - but for me - what's the alternative. I hope you find peace! Hugs

RichnMe
I think you said the magic word (Peace). Sleepless it wont be easy but we all have to strive to get our peace back. I too had some very painful issues to deal with when and after my husband died. I had to come to terms with my mind and let go of my emotional injury. I owed it to me to have peace within myself. I was angry for a little while but, I made the decision to release it and not to hang onto anger. It's doable but you have to get to a point where you realize that your anger isn't hurting anyone but you. Let go and let God!

I am angry on some level, but it's because my feels are hurt, just like they were when he was alive. I know his that the bad feelings he had about himself, his childhood, the war, his illnesses, all the things that hurt him had nothing to do with me. He made that abundantly clear. And I never doubted how deeply and completely I was loved.

But it still hurts that I was not enough for him to do the right things to fight his illness and try to get better. I was not enough, his children who loved him were not enough, his grandchildren were not enough. That makes me mad sometimes.

So, he did not try eating and drinking and trying to move around in a way that would have possibly helped. He did not quit smoking and actually drank more because of feeling so bad about being ill.

But if I am going to get mad at him for that, my next step is to be mad at myself because of all the times I "let" him do that.

So I stick with hurt, which I know is harder to move past than angry would be.

I think counseling with the right counselor would help. Before my insurance changed, I did meet with one three times, and it helped even when it wasn't totally on point. Just the idea of having someone to say anything to, express any emotion to without having to worry about that they will think less of you or less of him will be a big relief. Look at all the responses. You are certainly not alone in feeling angry.

Please, Sleepless and you too Florence, don't be mad at yourself for being mad. I think it is healthy as long as you can move through it and not get stuck by it.

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This is a thread I can really fall into!! Much as I loved my DH; he too just made some really sucky choices where his health care was concerned. He was educated, he knew what illnesses he had and what the treatments were and what the results could be for burying his head in the sand and being in denial. For me as his sole caregiver for almost 15 years, it was at times, like watching him commit slow suicide. I did what I could, kept his doctors informed etc., but ultimately came to the conclusion that I had no control over his actions and decisions as long as he was capable of doing that. Was there anger...you betcha...before..during..and after. I recognized where the anger was coming from, owned it, wrote about it, talked about it, for however long it took for me to feel better; and never denied that it was part and parcel of dealing with a long illness road and grief path. It was not comfortable, but I can honestly say that I found a place of forgiveness and acceptance and was also able to let it all go. I do not and probably never will understand why DH made some of the decisions he did, he just did. And it's all ok. I'm ok.

I've been on a path very similar to Martha, doing most of the things she's done to work thru this. I haven't been angry with Capri about anything surrounding her illness but there were some bumps in our past that brought about anger and guilt too. Understanding that guilt is anger turned inward was a revelation to me. Councelling, journaling, reading and examining myself helped me to get it out in the open and confront it, work thru it. Am I done with it, no but it doesn't grind me down like it did.

It is so helpful I think to have a thread on this topic. For me, I was totally blind-sided from the things that welled up inside me after Jake died. Things that I hadn't thought about for 30 years and had no idea were even an issue any more came flooding through me. Deep pain from various things that I thought were totally resolved. It was overwhelming.

And, as Richnme said, Jake was declared a saint by everyone so how could I talk about the deep pain that I experienced from things in our relationship? I, too, like Martha, found counseling to be very helpful and my counselor was able to put so many things in perspective for me. The turmoil that I experienced for about a year has subsided and, for the most part, not returned.

Many, many things were left unresolved in our relationship and that is one reason why I think the medical profession needs to do a better job of helping people with a terminal diagnosis come to terms with it so that families can experience healing during this time. I think professional counseling should be almost mandatory when facing something of this magnitude!

Thank you all for your replies. I wish there was a way to reply to each of you personally. If there is, I must be overlooking it. Anyway, while I wouldn't wish this on anyone, it does make me feel better that I am not alone in my situation and that others understand my feelings. And it helps to be able to just express it. I can see I have a lot of work ahead of me. You all had some positive, helpful advice. I especailly can relate to the posts by CliffsKat, RichnMe, Dejablu, and sjmcf. Thank you all so much!

Wow...so much of this hits home with me. My husband died of brain cancer and for about three years before he was diagnosed, he changed. He became more irritable and critical of me. He also became depressed due to an unrelated heart problem that caused him to not be able to do as much physically. It caused some definate tension in our otherwise good marriage. Now a little over a year since he died, I am feeling some anger about all this. I can contribute his behavior to either retirement boredom and loss of purpose and not being able to handle mentally the normal changes as we age. Or I can suspect the tumor in his brain causing changes. Either way I sometimes feel numb rather than angry at him. I know I love him and miss him and I feel he loved me too, although sometimes I feel he is angry or out of love with me. But I feel there's some block that stands in the way of my feeling love for him still. I'm lonely at times but overall doing pretty well finally. But I really want to put this anger behind me, as I know all of us are imperfect and say and do things we regret. He was no different and neither was I. But I feel this block of my feelings and it makes me sad. I don't want to remember him with anger or numbness, but with love and appreciation for the man he once was.