Looking back, much of my 1st 3 years is a blur. I was unknowingly running from so much pain. The loneliness, grief and depression seemed always near my limit. I survived it only one day at a time, filling my life with distractions, just always trying to keep busy yet just spinning my wheels. I learned a lot about grief from others farther down the road. Often I wondered, How long can this last. I just began my 5th year of her last season. Christmas time, her weight loss, January, her surgery and terminal cancer diagnosis, our last Easter together, our last Mother's Day together, our last anniversary together, and the day she died. I think for some reason last year's remembrances (4 year anniversaries of these events) were hardest for me. I was no longer numb, functioning well enough to realize that I only wanted to get better. I was just very unhappy, and still struggling waiting for my cognitive functions to return. Everything had become such a struggle for me mentally, memory shot, forgetting how to do things I'd done so well for many years prior, such forgetfulness. and it seemed each year it took me longer and longer to get anything accomplished. And then this past summer, I became angry and emotionally just a sinking ship. But I just kept going, gave up on running from my fear of being alone, ended yet another empty relationship, and just kept my focus on work. And when I recognized that my anger was the last identifiable grief stage I hadn't gone through, realized I'd been running from a fear of being alone, and so I just accepted my circumstance, and gave up trying to fill my empty life. And for the 1st time my entire life, I truly was alone (well, I had my dog, Nurse Blue is what I often call her). My 1st 3 weeks of true aloneness this past summer was pretty miserable, but then I began to tolerate it, and then actually become comfortable with it. And I keep getting improving, mentally, physically, and spiritually. Guess I went about 6 months, no dating, no relationships, just one gal friend I see maybe once every couple of weeks for good conversation, and better and better it seems I'm getting. Go figure. I learned here that the only way to get through this is to go through it. How long it takes is as individual as the grief is itself. We all have similarities, but for each of us, it just takes what it takes. So just hang in there is best advice I can offer. Whatever it takes, but it is only time that will heal. Like I said, in many ways all my 4th year stuff last year was in many ways worst for me, but it all hinged on those specific remembrances unlike previous years when it seemed awful most of the time. So this Christmas and January have not been nearly as bad for me. Now I'm into the watching her waste away then die season. And then in May, it will be 5 years that she has been gone from my life. I'm just not apprehensive about it now. If I'm sad, I'm sad. I'm just no longer sad all the time now. So I see hope for myself. Accept the life I have and no longer doing everything in my power (which really I have no power over any of it) to change my circumstance. Maybe that's part of acceptance, I don't know. I only know that finally I see myself getting better instead of worse. Oh, get yourself a Nurse Blue. Coming home to a dog instead of an empty house really got me through some rough times. Hope something I rambled here helped. Forty years with your husband is nearly a lifetime. I was blessed with 30 happy years myself. We shouldn't expect to just bounce back after losing them. I guess we just come to realize how deep our love really was.

Grieving,The loss of ourselves i have found..or learning to be someone new..I am alone most of the time now and am ok with it now..actually i enjoy being alone.There are slivers of light now and then which i never saw before. I am still grieving i haven't learnt how to cope completely yet. I just get busy at work and the days go by faster and then i come to my home. Its quiet but have become used to the quietness now..my dog died in March she was 8 years old and am not ready for another one just yet all in time ( Hugs)

Hugs to both of you, Scotito and Shelda. You both are coping the best way you can, as am I. All the emotions and the bewilderness is just stuff we have to face which pretty much sucks. I am so thankful I have this outlet to share my thoughts and feelings with others who know a "one size fits all" cure is not available. Take care.

Hello ladybjt,

You are not alone and one never knows for certain how far the pain extends; there are so many like you. Death or separation from those we love forces us to do things differently. And being a widow or widower leaves a profound change in the quality of life we must choose to live. It is difficult to process the loneliness and the pain sticks way too long and often. I believe that the root of the work of getting better is learning how to think without believing that we are giving up on somebody that raised our attitude and feeling every day. We still desire the same supportive gestures, actions and we seek for the sameness of the outward sign of true love, it's human or natural to do so.

Good thing that you are emotionally intelligent and self-aware of how much your life has changed. I believe that you still value your marriage and feel deeply, not ready to let go of the usual expectations. And it is so easy to stay messy-hearted in times of remembering how kind your husband was to you. After the death of a soul-mate, we all do what we have to make it to tomorrow. We still must get up in the morning when we do not want to, so we have to begin this new way of life with a new list of working every single day to be gentle and soft with ourselves when we have been given every reason to harden.

Believe in something hopeful is an option to making it through the long days; and in reality, it is so easy to feel everything intensely, and, seriously, no person wants to go day after day with great feelings of deep sorrow.

Think of it this way, we may still shout our love from rooftops, and this is a way of fighting to be better, fighting to heal even when it hurts so much, fighting to believe with everything we have within ourselves that we have a purpose to keep loving, our love belongs here in this world no matter what.
Keep influencing a stronger attitude. Find something appealing to recall of your husband and marriage, something pleasing or extremely exciting to your heart. I know how much courage it takes to be that kind of person, how much courage it takes to heal and to move forward in hope.

Great big hugs and a mark of caring respect for you today, and thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings. :-)