Hi my friend: I can tell you that I waited that Tuesday morning and waited and waited. Skip was never late without calling and then finally received the horrible phone call Skip had died at work of a massive heart attack. We worked at the same job and for weeks I would go by where they found him and only wish I had been there to hold him when he took his last breath. I never got a chance to say goodbye hold him and kiss him goodbye. I do know that I was there both when my dad passed and my mom 4 months ago and loved that I was there to say goodbye. Don't think anyway is easy. Hope this helps you somewhat. I am so sorry for your loss Carol-Ann

But I can't seem to come to terms. Did he know up to a point that I was there? Did he suffer? I suppose we all have these questions. :( Thanks for your sharing. Lots of love to you. Xx

My Ron was in the ICU so it's not the same but I'll share anyway and hope it helps give another persepctive, but when he passed they were not allowing me in the room. It still pains me he died w/out me there. Logically I know he was heavily medicated so that his body would rest and on a ventilator again so his body would rest not because he could't breathe on his own - they were last ditch efforts to help him heal. BUt, I was not in the room and it bothers me still, I wish I could have been. It would have been horrible but I wish I wash.

I am so sorry for your pain. Thank you for sharing.

I was with my husband, I have friends who were not with their spouses. I really think that in both cases it haunts equally. There is always the why and the difficulty in processing. I am not sure the brain can accept the finality initially. It just takes time to process, no matter the circumstance.

Hugs,
Val

So sorry for your loss and I don't have a answer for you, I'm still trying to figure out why my Daughter and I were there for my Wife, Mom and Stepdad when they all passed away.

My parents were both ill and we knew it was inevitable, but my Wife well that's a different story she went to bed to watch T V and I found her in bed dying right in front of me and my Daughter. I'm having a hard time trying to figure out why I was there for all of them but it kills me that my Daughter in four years had to witness this every time she just turned 25 years old and it's not fair too her that she saw her grandparents and now her Mom.

My friends say it's because we are both strong but I don't know I guess only God knows why.

Please take care of yourself and your children. God Bless You

Robert

My husband died at home with Hospice present. I held his hand and talked to him till he passed. I felt grateful he was able to be at home and grateful I was there though it was the hardest thing I have ever experienced. I was grateful he was no longer suffering. I suffered great emotional pain and anguish for quit some time. My mind kept going over every detail of his illness and his death for over a year.

I have an Aunt who lost two husbands. The first had a long debilitating illness and he suffered greatly for many years. The second died in his sleep unexpectedly. I asked her much the same question, which was worse. She said the unexpected death as she was not even remotely prepared, had no time to say goodbye.

I think for me it was different, Chad wasn't sick, his death was a complete shock, totally unexpected. I was the one to find him, but there were other circumstances involved (he overdosed) so I walked into a lot of different things, it was traumatic to say the least. It woke me up in my sleep (when I finally could sleep) and one day I went to the cemetery and told him he had to make it stop, that I couldn't see that in my sleep anymore, and it stopped. I still see the image when I think about it while awake, haunting, horrible, excruciating.

According to his autopsy and all the reading I did, he didn't suffer. His true pain was while he was alive, fighting addiction for so long. I wish I was there, I mean I'd try to stop the relapse but more than anything, I wish I was there to hold him in my arms, so he wasn't alone.

Hello first sorry forbyour loss.
I don't believe any of it is easy. I was with my Mum when she took her last breath. I found peace knowing I was with her.
My Dad passed away alone. He was in hospital got dressed to come home had a heart attack. We didn't live in the same town I have some guilt he was alone
.
My Ken was on life support with no brain activity. I still 5 years late have some guilt of signing the paper to turn it all off even though there was no hope. My peace for this is I was with him holding him telling him how much I loved him and knowing it would have been what he want being kept going on machines,.
Everyone is different with death. So you are not being insensitive. In time I'm sure you will treasure those last few moments of his life you were there with him
I have a DNR. If there will be no quality of life shut it all down.

Ah. It's all hell, no matter how you look at it, or experience it. Joe was in hospice, in a coma for 24 hours before he died. Did it give me the opportunity to say goodbye? Yeah... kind of. Would it have been better not to have seen it? In my case, no. I'm glad I was there with him, to hold on to him when he died. Oh, shit, I can't believe I'm using the word glad, I just can't seem to find the right words. Did it with my father, too. You're not insensitive at all, Lost, I've had these questions, too.

I read somewhere that hearing is the last thing to go. I think that's the way it was with Rob. He died over about 5 hours and much of it he seemed unconscious. But he kept laughing at this gs we said. So we knew he could hear us. I am pretty sure he could till the end.

It's ok to let yourself believe that you love knew you were there. That he died in the best place possible...your arms. Surrounded by the love of his family. That sounds pretty peaceful to me

So sorry for your loss.

Your question is not insensitive.

It is very rare in this site to discover anything written by anyone
that is insensitive. I think each of us is going through our own
private hell regardless of how our loves ones passed, how long
we were together or whether we were with them.

My wife passed while I was at work. She didn't answer either
phone and I called a neighbor that had a key to our home. I
can still hear the screams of my neighbor as she tried CPR
and told her daughter to call 911 on the other phone.

I drove like a maniac to get home and the police stopped me
at the gate and I was forced to answer endless questions
while I was told she was laying on the floor. I didn't see her
as they would let me inside. All I can remember is the
detective asking and asking and asking questions while a
hearse showed up and backed up to the door. The hearse eventually moved down the street at a very slow pace with
lights blinking. That is the image that haunts me.

Each of us has our own mental image of one sort or another
that we associate with the loss of our husband or wife. Each
of us is cursed with the last time we hugged them or spoke
to them or saw them or heard them say, " I love you ". There
is no way to escape it. In my case, my only hope is to learn
to cope with it a none of it will have leave my brain. Just
learning to cope with it is the only answer for me.

Blessings -

Darrell in Texas

I didn't see it but felt it. My husband was murdered across the street where we lived and I just knew he was gone when I heard the three shots ring out. I kissed him goodbye at the funeral home before I had him cremated. I hate Sundays at 10:10 pm and probably will for the rest of my life. There are times I'm sleep but will jump up because I hear the shots in my mind, but then after he'll tell me he's okay, yes I still talk to him, and it gets me through

It's hard for me to say whether it is worse or not becuase everyone is different.
Short answer I wish could have spoken to her before she left. Because the rest of my life not speaking to her face to face is a long time, or maybe not we don't know.
I left for work and returned five hours later to find her gone in her sleep. She was alone with only our two dogs.
So all I have to go on is the time I spent with her and knowing her personaility. Linda was a medic in Detroit and in nursing school. So life and death for her was a natural thing and was not fearful of it. She sat by her mother's bed in our home as she slowly died of Althzhiemer's. Linda cleaned her up for the funeral home to take her away. She didn't want some stranger do it she wanted to for her mom. That's the Lyn among other parts of her is the one I have to gone on. Physical death to her was as much a part of living as anything else life encompasses.
So going on that I can only imagine the converstion we would have. And it's based upon what she had told me over the years. I know she would tell me to be happy for her because she was finally going to rejoin her mom and the pain over the years would finally be gone for eternity. The other, for me to live the life I had left. To find happiness where ever I can. To not destroy myself over something I cannot control. Take care of our babies (puppies). Help our daughter when she would let me but not to let her drag me down into her bad choices.
Finally get into another job and out of the one I'm in to get rid of the stress associated with it. I'm sure there would be other things.
But finally she would remind me that it's not the end but a new beginnig to a new life with our Father and our loved in paradise. And that she and I would be together again someday for ever even if I got remarried we would all have a better realtionship than we could ever have here on this earth.
Some may say Tim your just trying to deal with this,and so I am, but I also knew my wife and her world view on things and her faith. I know without a doubt where she is. She is alive in her spiritual body happy loving caring and using her unique sense of humor God gave her to make everyone there have a good laugh.
Again would I have wanted to speak with her, after saying all this. To see her pass in front of me normally would have destryod me. But yes I wish I could have said see you later. We never really said goodbye just seee you later. Please take care all.

Peace, TIm

I don't know...I felt guilt when my husband passed in the hospice...I was only about an hour or so away from being there...and I would have liked to be there to hold his hand. When my son passed away just recently, he did die in my arms...even though the paramedics and doctors worked on him for nearly 2 hours, I felt he died in the living room, in his favorite place with me holding him and desperately trying to revive him. And while I didn't want him to die, if he had to, I'm glad I was with him.