I know how you feel. My wife and I married at 18, and we were only apart when I went on business trips or she visited family. I always hated being away--being alone--and couldn't wait to get back to her. Life without her always seemed joyless.

Some people like being independent. Not me. I always felt stronger with her by my side, but I just can't plug a new person into the hole left by my spouse. It took decades to build what we had.

At least this support group is some consolation. Here we can talk about our grief. Most others who haven't went through this really don't want to talk about it, so we have to rely on each other.

Oh yes, I remember that terrible sensation of aloneness the day she died and immediately after everyone left my house. Had to have been at least several months I had to be with our son and his family on weekends, until shortly after I joined this site and spent the whole weekend doing deep introspection and writing to try to figure out why I didn't want to be alone. I came to understand it wasn't being alone that I was scared of, it was being alone with me - and that caused me to have to work through some childhood crap I thought was long gone - but once it surfaced, I saw it for what it was -- just toothless memories. And no longer did I fear being alone, I just didn't like not having my Juanita with me. Now, as time goes on, I am liking my alone time more and more -- so much so, if not for going to work and my interaction with people here and shopping, I am seeing a tendency in myself to become hermit-like. Well, that can't be good, so I hope it is just a stage of this grief I'm going through. All I can say about lonliness is that it has gotten better for me with time. ~~ Scottie

I can actually feel thru my body the exact moment when I followed the ambulance to the hospital and they took me in a room and said my husband Bill was dead,,,I swear to everyone I actually felt like I lost a part of my body,,it was a physical feeling, not all a mental one. I will never forget that. I actually felt him leave me. Yes, I am too learning to be alone and trying to keep as busy as I can possibly be, but sometime oh yeah sometimes,,,it just hits and I feel that same physical pain again...

I agree that physical pain is over whelming....I don't like being alone either but then I just want to be with him...I try to go out and join in with friends but its not the same without him there...most of my friends are couples so i always feel like i'm imposing on them even when they say I am not...work is helping...it gives me something to take my mind off the pain I am in...I always though I was independent but I'm beginning to realize maybe I am not...this is just a start to a new life for us...not one we wanted just one we were dealt...

I agree with the idea of being alone is not the point. It is the fact that we don't have them anymore. It's the loss that hurts. I know I can take care of myself and my kids. It was wonderful to have him by my side to just be the other part of us. That makes more sense to me. Scottie I am hermit like too I supoose. I love being home. It is my safe place. Venture out to work and other necessities but home is nest.

Yes, alone and Lonely for my man. I am 2 years alone and what a bunch of ups and downs. Love the serenity and safety of home, have many friends and family that care but I am still ALONE. Can't fill the hole that he left...
I feel I have learned so much in the 2 years, am standing firmly on my own 2 feet, I feel strong and have a smile, but man, still alone and lonely. I wonder if that ever changes.

Wow, I struggle with this every day. No family nearby so always reaching out to keep engaged with people. Have wonderful girlfriends but most are still married. i volunteer, joined a meet up, help two people who are ill and alone, in a support group, but most of the time am just alone. My husband and I were both basically introverts so I miss him to the moon and back. Getting stronger...

I think being lonely, and feeling utterly alone, is the hardest part of this journey. I work full time, and am around people at work, but when I go home, I feel so alone. I have a lot responsibilities with a big yard, an old dog, and my youngest still in college. I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders and it gets very overwhelming handling it all on my own. Last weekend my lawn mower caught on fire while I was on it and I had to call the fire dept. It turned out okay, but now I have to repair the mower or hire a yard service. My nerves are still recovering from that one! I don't have any widowed friends. This is the only place I feel people really understand what I'm going through.
Love and hugs to you all!
Lori

I was never alone til I lost my husband Don. Began dating at 16, married at 20 and moved from our parents house to ours. What a shock to be planning trips for retirement and have him diagnosed with lung cancer and be gone from my side. I was terrified. Could I do this? Well I learned here I could and I have.

There's still a hole in my heart where he resides with me always, but after almost 9 years, it's a place of gratitude for the memories. It wasn't an easy trip but one we make happen in fear and tears. You will arrive. Sharon

This has been a day of tears. Every day to come to work and go home, I drive thru the same intersection I knew he turned at to go where he went that last day. I've seen that if I come thru that intersection without tears, it will be an ok day. Some days the tears start at that intersection.

Bought a book last night "I wasn't ready to say goodbye". It's really helping me address my feelings at the beginning of this new path. I find myself nodding and saying yep, uh huh. Then made cry some while still nodding in agreement.

As others say, I am determined to go forward on this path to see how it all will play out. Speed bump days happen and I am learning to push thru but at the speed it takes to allow the emotions to re shelve themselves.

Thanks.
Holly

So much to take care of; what's that sound that the faucet in the kitchen is making? Why has the linoleum come up near the door? The handle to the shower door came off in my hand when I tried to open it! Where are the light bulbs that go in the lights above the oil paintings?

Do I pay for the whole year of auto insurance or just pay it monthly, won't there be a service charge? Do I keep the Costco Membership? How often do I water the plants in the containers on the patio? Do I need a landline?

The list goes on and on........We were a partnership, a tag team. There wasn't anything that we couldn't accomplish as a TEAM!!!!

Now, I'm ONE....I'm all ALONE!!!! ALL BY MYSELF!!!!

I send my love- [I have lots of this......I know, Morey used to tell me so!]
Roz

My experience was that I have to keep resolving the memories and the grief. The emotional self takes longer to adapt than the intellectual self. Be patient with yourself, and go with the flow...

No to the land line. Water the plants every other week or when they turn brown. Superglue the handle until you find one you like. Buy more light bulbs and when the others show up you have extra. No to the Costco cause you're not cooking as much. Insurance the whole year if you can afford it. Screw the service charge if not. The linoleum? Mine does too. That was gonna be the next project we did. Soooo. I plan to rip that Sucker up and see what the hard wood floor looks like underneath. Faucet. No idea. Wack it with a hammer. Ta da! :) :) :)

Alone yeah this sucks. Honestly I was raised to think and be ready to be by myself,. I learned to cook by the time I was 12 and got along fine till I met Meredith. She was my first love my kids being the other loves in my life.

I have people tell me I am not alone because I have the kids still here at home with me. Oh how wrong they are. What I want and crave is Meredith. Not even in a sexual way, I miss the night time after the kids are in bed and we sat and snuggled on the sofa. Maybe watched a show or read a book together or just sat together and held on to each other.

My kids are great but they will never fill the alones that I feel.

I think that feeling can happen at any moment. Bob died 12/22/13. I hate January 1st when the year changes. My dad died that day too. It kind of has a snow balling affect. I am a lone too. My family is spread all over the country now.

Tonight I had a bad Bob moment. I miss him more each year, but I get through the days just fine - most of the time. I was the scape goat in my family, and Bob didn't like how they treated me. He made sure I didn't deal with it a lone. The same thing happened when my son turned on me. Bob stood behind me. The moment he died, my son poured it on thick. I walked away, and now don't get to see my grandchildren. It's okay, because I won't subject them to the tension between their parents and me. He doesn't have a clue how his dad disliked him during the last few years. He wrote him off. My son thinks it was me. He is clueless. Still, tonight the two things are running together. I miss Bob, and I miss his protection and love. He let me be independent, and he had my back. I did the same for him, but he could take care of himself. Anyway, you lose ground sometimes, and other times you can move on. Nobody would have treated me the way my son did if Bob were here.

I sometimes think I took advantage of the fact that I felt he would always be here. Then BOOM, he wasn't. Carrie said she could the actual moment when her husband left her body. I remember that feeling two years later also. So many times I wanted a do over, and I would pray to God. Time is precious. Nothing like being a lone to make me realize just how precious it is.