Totally makes sense. Let the tears flow. They are the body's natural healer. Sending a big hug your way. The season really does magnify the loss. Do what you can when you can. Be gentle on yourself. God bless. Gerry

I am so sorry for your loss. I've been feeling the same way the past few days especially. I need this holiday to be done already.

You get used to it

Total agreement. This is my first Christmas without my husband. Feel like a lost puppy dog. No family nearby so a fish out of water here... Ran some errands this morning and couldn't wait to get home... Holidays be done.... yesterday found some cards he gave me and just to see his handwriting brought me to tears. Trying to stay in gratitude that he was in my life and such a winderful, kind man. just feel the aloneness right now...

I agree when I'm with my friend Joyce & her family I do feel alone. take care God Bless Vickie

Tonight my 2 sons were with me, along with one son's wife and daughter. I began the prayer before we ate and immediately teared up so it was a very short prayer. And now after son with family left, my other son is watching Christmas Carol, another reminder of Al, since it was his favorite Christmas show.

I also want this holiday to be over!

I too lost my husband the end of August this year so can really relate to the loneliness you are feeling. A room full of people does not help at all. The loneliness is too deep inside you and your pain is raw and fresh. The holiday is a huge amplifier of all you have lost. You have to take it minute by minute at this point. Then hour by hour before you can even take it day by day. Just try to stay in the present and not dwell on the past or look to far into the future at this point. Take extra good care of yourself. Grief is brutal and stress causes other problems. We are all here for you. Take care. Robyn

Oh! I hope things are a little easier for you tonight. It's ok, we will be ok. It hurts but it's healing. I
I don't mind my alone time now just to think and let the tears flood if
They have too.
We are really blessed to have each other to reach out to,when others just don't understand.
Each and every one of you is special to me, I really mean that.
Love to all, Sandra

This is my first Christmas without my husband. I thought I was "prepared" but nothing can really prepare us I guess. All in all, I have been doing pretty well, but today I feel that strong sense of half of me gone. Peace and comfort to all. Karen

Y'all hang in there! The first is definitely the hardest! I wish I could hug you! I would sit with you and listen to your stories and reminisces. As Gerald said, be kind to yourselves! This is year 2 for me. Definitely better but my 15 yr old daughter is not doing so well. That's why I'm up at this late hour! I dread tomorrow morning with her.... It won't be a Merry Christmas in my house.

We had our family Christmas last night. We had a nice time. My children, grandchildren and great grandchildren were all there. Yet there was a emptiness felt by us all. We involved his memory, by playing a game, his 10 pictures, they had to put them in order by his age, ended at age 50, when he got sick. Sorta brought him among us. It was still lonely....

All in DS land.

SJ's brother and wife spent last eve with me. Actually made it worse for me emotionally. I'm trying to keep my positive attitude but today it's not an easy thing to do. I know the feeling of being so alone even when others are around. Others seem to magnify the emotions and increase the waterworks. I gave Jerry many items of his sisters's just to get it out of the house. I have the memory and do not need things sitting around that upset me. I'm building a new life and that is where I want my focus to be, looking forward. The past is over and I do not want to relive it. I'm taking my memories and moving forward. Today after Jerry left the vortes of my mind kicked into full speed and started playing with my head. Stop already! I like most of you do not like being alone and today just makes it harder to cope. I'm invited to the neighbors later where they will have 9 kids but I will still be the stranger in the room. They love me coming down but my foe for today is myself! I'm my own worst enemy today! Peace be with all of you today! Dewman

Absolutely makes sense. Yesterday eve I was the "5th" wheel, and today I was the "7th" wheel in couples. Grrrr . . . nothing wrong with being alone, but when faced with former couple friends, one becomes the pariah. :(

Love your butterfly tattoo . . something to remember, butterflies are all about "transformation". Some of we here are still in a cocoon of transformation, about to transform and awaiting our new birth. Birthing pains stink, but life does go on for we that are left behind.

We still have a purpose and reason for being here. Don't give up . . . this grief will pass and you will find brighter days and rainbows ahead.

xo, Dayna

My heart reaches for you. The first year truly is the valley of the shadow of death, which we walk alone even in a crowd.
The first it seems that so many people were "expert" on how I should fee or what my husband would want me to do.
Nothing made me feel better. I didn't think I could survive.

On this my second Christmas, I went to the movies and had dinner with a friend, another widow. I'm sad and lonely, but the sharp pain of last year has dulled into an ache I can live with.

Finding this site helped me. We need to find our own strategy for coping, once the complete shock of our loss abates somewhat.
Thanks to others here who have shared their thoughts and feelings, I'm better today.

Dayna, I really like what you said about butterflies and transformation. Right after my husband died this spring I saw butterflies everywhere. Then I saw a post on Facebook by a garden center that said "Your time as a caterpillar has expired. Your wings are ready". It was like an "aha" moment. Time for a new life in a different form. As a butterfly struggles out of a cocoon, we struggle to get out our grief, but after we, do we can fly! And in 2015 that is what I am going to do....may not get too far off the ground, but I will fly!