Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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Anger

Megwyn
Megwyn
Today marks 4 months since my husband of 40 years died. I have gone thru a gamut of emotions and now I find myself dealing (or NOT dealing) with white hot ANGER! I have never done anger well, it's just not part of who I am. But it is here now and I don't seem to have an outlet. Who can I be mad at? My husband for leaving me? No. God, the Universe, the Doctors? No. There is no one to blame, it just is. Anyone who knows me would tell you they have never seen me angry and I just don't know what to do with this rage.

I keep expecting this to be 'over'. When we first married my husband was in the Navy and would be gone for months at a time. I got used to his absences and marked the time until he would be home again. I have realized that part of me has been doing that, waiting for him to come home. But the reality is setting in that he will NEVER be home again. I know millions, billions of people have survived this. I know I will, too. But God, it hurts so much.

Just a 'vent'
gerald222
gerald222
Venting is a excellent way to express anger. Like you very few people have ever seen me angry. In my case the anger was directed at God. I realized the anger was me feeling so damn hurt. However at the same time I was angry at God I found peace knowing my wife was with him. Talk about confusing. Truthfully without my faith I wouldnt be still standing. The weird part is I feel closer to God now than ever. Anger is such a normal part of grief. I am so sorry for your loss and pain. God bless. Gerry
Porchpuppy
Porchpuppy
Right after my husband died it was the anger that sustained me. I think without the anger I would have collapsed in nothingness. Like you, I really didn't know who to focus all that anger on but it did give me purpose for a time. I just passed the two year anniversary and the anger is long gone only to be replaced by other emotions including moments of peace and joy.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I understand your feelings of anger..Its now ten weeks since my Kate passed...I like you have been waiting for my Kate to come home...then when I realise whats happened...its another emotional blow..keep going forward my friend...I hope you can find a little peace amongst all the ups and downs...

Lawrence

Edinburgh Scotland
alhart
alhart
My daughter and I were just talking about this last night. My husband passed away 10 months ago, unexpectedly. We wondered if it would help with our anger if we had something or someone to blame, like a drunk driver or cancer but realized grief is grief and blame doesn't change the circumstance. It's just hard for me to accept that, it just is.
I have felt the same as Gerald, angry at God yet at the same time thankful to God for His gift of eternity.
Hugs to you. Blessings, Doreen
sndpypr
sndpypr
I definitely understand. I lost my husband 2 months ago. It has to be someone's fault. It just can't be real. Where is he? All of these thoughts go through my mind. Do what you have to do to get through. All thoughts and feelings are normal. I am having a very tough time, but I'm sure it is no worse than anyone else in this group. If anger will get you to the next step, then I say be angry at whomever or whatever you choose. Just know there are others right here with you.
sassiesoftail
sassiesoftail
I have learned in the last 10 months to embrace the anger. Sometimes I think it is the only thing that gets me by. I was feeling guilty that my anger was misdirected but came to realize that it is a true raw emotion and granted myself permission to have it. I still vent, rant and rave but deep down I know it is what I need to do to survive. I like mamy of you stuggle with being angry at God, but then at the same time gratefull that he is taking care of my Tim. I have choosen to stop contact with family and friends that I felt I did not need in my life at this time. My sister asked why and my response was
"I really can't answer that for you right now. I am so angry at life that everthing, every wrong, every lie, every befrayal weather real or perceived eats at me. So I have chosen to keep my distance from most people at this time. I wish I had a better answer for you but that's all I've got for now."
Hugs, Sandi
deleted_user
deleted_user
I have had anger too. My counselor suggested that I physically get it out and say what or who I'm mad at. So I took a book that was written by a woman whose husband had cancer, but he is still alive...and I ripped it to shreds and with each rip I said things like "You left me" (yes, to my husband) and "I've been cheated" (to the universe). Another time I took a soft kids' baseball bad (padded ) and beat it on the stairs and again said with each hit what I was feeling. It was not rational but I had to get it out. I don't think it is strange to be angry at God, or your spouse, or the universe or whatever. The point is to get it out. I hope maybe this helps you some little bit.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I have been and still am angry after 27 months. Most of my anger has been directed at my husband for leaving me and for not being able to choose life over alcohol. I'm also angry at all of the people who hurt him so badly during his life that he felt that alcohol was the answer. Hopefully we will all get there...
kathill
kathill
Your anger is a very natural reaction. I still get so angry & it's been 6 1/2 months since my husband passed. He was a Christian & read his Bible while I didn't read it although I am also a Christian. Since Mike died, I've been reading my Bible faithfully & I really understand Heaven & the afterlife in Heaven BUT I still get so angry that God took him & left me all alone. I know I'm being selfish, just thinking about myself being all alone (we were married for 32 yrs) but I just want to know WHY?
handg
handg
Anger is part of grieve ...about 4 months after Howie passed, I was going at the gym and had a personal trainer who would get me to box hitting pads he was holding. When he noticed that I had anger , he would push me and make me hit harder to the point where I would cry and then feel angry that I cried. He would let me have about 30 seconds to compose myself and then tell me to get back to work . Doing this I was able to let go of some and then I started bereavement group and have made great progress.

Anger is energy and eventually I chose to turn that negative energy into positive energy in the form of doing for others and giving of myself which in turn empowers me. Yes I still have days when I relieve some aspects of his being sick and then anger surfaces but I can move on fairly quick from it.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I know how you feel, but I have not reached the anger stage yet, I am a 7 week widow, my husband was traveling and visiting with his sister in New York, when he developed some complications, went to the hospital, they checked him in on a normal floor and he died hours later of an acute heart attack. So I feel he still away although I had to go and arrange for his body to be shipped to The Bahamas where we live, and having had the funeral, I still feel he is away. It's 4 am and I have not slept
tikibell1
tikibell1
I welcomed anger it replaced the devasting sadness for awhile. Anger was easier to deal with.. 7 years and at times anger resurfaces..as well as sadness but it doesn't come as often or last as long most of the time I am okay! Time does that! We have a right to be angry our life was ripped apart and forever changed! Hugs!!!
asarivg12
asarivg12
Anger - avoid it like a lion :). Really, you re not going to be able to live a "good" life again if you are consumed with anger.

You don't act in such a way that you are considerate of other people, you make make terrible decisions, you will not be someone who is pleasant to be around. There is not a lot of upsides to being angry.

If you are still have anger issues after quite while then you should seek some professional help.

Lol, this advice comes from a guy whose wife gave him for a birthday present a T-shirt that said "My Anger Management Class Pisses Me Off"

Btw, if you are pissed off at the universe, guess what, the universe does not give a flip. You are only hurting yourself.

Bob