Kevin....you've been strong enough to hold on for five years....don't give up now. Good for you for reaching out to us here at Daily Strength for some support....you are not alone in this sadness and loneliness... we're here...those times of the year that have special meaning in our personal lives can be brutal...it helps to talk about them with other people who can understand what you're dealing with...keep an eye out for replies to your post here....check online yellow pages, your operator, or even a local hospital phone line for a local crisis hotline number where you can call and actually talk to a real person about how down you are....many people here have lost loved ones to cancer and other catastrophic illnesses....and helping each other deal with depression, loneliness and every stage of grieving , guilt, joy, anger, whatever emotion you can think of....is what happens here...there are CLs...community leaders in the group who have been here for a long time and help new members and long term members ....I'll go see who's around on line and awake (one's overseas) and more folks will be up and around soon....welcome to daily strength.....you've found a good place to be!

Very sorry for your loss. As you know, we are all going through this same type of experience here. At only 2 months in, I have to admit, I am disheartened by this. That being said, I would ask you to reconsider doing harm to yourself.

I lost my sister to cancer 2 years ago. She had a seizure on Valentine's day and was gone 4 months later, 2 days after her 36th birthday. Last year, my morher almost died in October, but survived an emergency quadruple heart bypass surgery.. then November, I came home from work to find my wife collapsed at the top of our stairs, apparently gone. I'd talked to her earlier and she was fine, but within hours, the love of my life is gone.

I get it. I totally understand the thoughts that come to mind. Sadly I have ALSO lost a friend to suicide. We went to high school together. He was a nice guy. He got depressed that by the age of 30 he had never had a serious girlfriend. So he killed himself new years Eve year 2000. I can still picture him lying there. And it makes me very sad. He thought nobody cared. He was wrong.

It may not seem like it, but people care about you and would be hurt by losing you. So please, talk to someone .. talk to us.. Don't do like my friend did.

Kevin, I just want to give you a big cyberspace hug. It's too bad that all of us Widows and Widowers don't live close in proximity so that we can support each other in person.

I never knew it was possible to experience the level of grief that I am experiencing after the loss of my husband 2 1/2 months ago. Everyone kept telling me to stay strong to get through the holidays. Well, I found that the holidays weren't as bad as I thought they would be, but now that they are over it is sort of like a "let down". The weather has been so cold and dreary that all I want to do is stay in bed and watch TV.

I would caution you not to put a time limit on meeting someone. It will just put that much more pressure on you. However, can you find some other activities to get involved in? Maybe you can volunteer somewhere (nursing home, animal shelter, big brother, etc...). I have 2 teenage boys and I think I'm going to apply for us to all be volunteers at the local no-kill animal shelter on weekends. I'm also thinking about taking a class (possibly to get my real estate license). I quickly read your profile and I think it said you lead music at church. Do you play the piano? If so, you could volunteer to play at nursing homes. My mother is in an assisted-living facility and they always have musicians come and perform. The residents love it. Just some thoughts.

I myself am going to try a GriefShare workshop that starts tomorrow night at a local church. Have you ever heard of this? You might check and see if there is one in your area. You can Google GriefShare and then a website will come up where you can type in a zipcode to see where the nearest one is.

I'm new here to DS, but I hope that you can find strength here with those of us who are walking beside you in this journey. I'm sending many hugs and prayers your way.

Cathy

Kevin

I think I know exactly how you free. I lost my wife to ovarian cancer on Oct 21 2014 at 2:45 AM. I was with her at the end. I can't get that memory out of my head. If you are up to responding, how was your wife diagnosed and how long was she in treatment?

Kevin, I understand. I was holding my wife's hand when she took her last breath. I wouldn't have been any other place. It was THE WORST THING i have ever had to witness or experience. I replay it in my mind from time to time, not as much as the first year. It has been over 2 years since Donna passed of breast cancer. At first I thought as you, what was there for me to go on now? We were married for 40 years, together for 43. I was 19 when I got married. I don't really know another life except for being a couple and being in a loving relationship. But after a lot of thought and reflection, i know Donna would never want me to hasten my time here. She would want me to live my life to the fullest. I didn't know your wife, but I have to believe your wife would want you to do the same. Live for her. Live to celebrate what you had together. Try to imagine what your wife would have thought if you harmed yourself while she was here. I don't think you would have wanted to put her through that. Just know she is still with you as my wife is still with me inside. I feel her presence all the time.

Please take care of yourself, come here often. Seek help or a group if you can, because you are important. You matter. We are a family here and we love you.

Jeff

Kevin, did you try a therapist or a grief support group? Have you tried an antidepressant?

I too was with my husband when he took his last breath. We were married 34 years. I understand your heartbreak, believe me, I do.

If you're feeling suicidal, I beg you to call your doctor. There is help available.
We care, you are not alone.

Hugs,
Janie

Kevin the reason you are feeling so overwhelmed is you are wrestling with 2 powerful enemies at the same time. Grief being one and severe depression being the other. Each of them by themselves can do so much damage but combined they can be very crippling. I have just passed the 2 year mark and I have wrestled with both. They are to powerful to deal with by yourself. You have made a excellent step in joining DS. You need a safe place to vent and the people here understand the pain and are compassionate. If you are financially able hire a grief counselor. Again it is a safe place to vent and a emotional release that is so desperately needed. A grief support group is also very helpful. I read your profile about being involved in your church. My friend this is the time you must cling to your faith with everything you have. I promise you Jesus will carry you if you ask. Consulting with your dr about a med to reduce stress or help you sleep may also be needed. Truthfully Kevin even if you met someone before July it is only you that can ultimately find peace within yourself. I totally get the pain. In the early part of my journey I visited the dark places you are at now and it is terrifying. Depression has a way of magnifying our problems and strips us of the energy to fight them. I will be honest with you. When I had suicidal thoughts all I could think is how disappointed my wife would be that I didnt carry on in her memory. That gave me tremendous strength to push forward. There is no quick answer to your situation but I promise you life can get better you need to seek the resources to allow that to be possible. Lots of prayers and hugs to you my friend. Gerry

Kevin: I am very sorry that you are feeling this way. Dealing with depression on top of grief is not something you can do alone. You need to seek out professional help for your depression as soon as possible.

Please do not put unnatural deadlines on yourself. Instead try to focus on small positive things that bring you a little bit of joy. Again I cannot empasize enough that this is a safe place for you to express your feelings, but that you need help in dealing with the depression as well as the grief.

hi kevin i feel you and everything you wrote i could have wrote i have older children and thank god for them cause i dont think i would make it without them but you are not alone as others have said please talk to your doctor about depression im on anti depresants and they help. it will be 4 years for me in april i feel like i should be doing better but i get up everyday and fight and hope and pray just keep fighting !

What an amazing group of wonderful people.

You have all inspired me with the hope and strength that only comes with numbers, we're a lot of people to hold to.......Kevin, you have expressed some very powerful emotions and gave yourself a very unfair expectation.

I'm so sorry that you feel you failed, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! I can't begin to tell you how many times I feel that I failed Morey, that I didn't save him, that I couldn't make him get up and walk and want to do ALL of this for ME, wasn't I enough, wasn't OUR LOVE worth fighting for?

What we are capable of doing to ourselves astounds me. I want to be your friend, will you let me in? I want to put my arms around you and let you know that I understand, I know exactly how you're feeling. PLEASE, Kevin, you don't know who is waiting around the corner for you or how many people you've touched with your words.

I'm here, please write and tell us how you're doing and what you're doing. Please know WE ALL CARE ABOUT YOU! You can't touch our lives and then let go, we need each other. Stay with us!

Warmly,
Roz

Kevin,

I previously posted on your other (same) discussion without realizing you had this one up as well. I am so very proud of our DS family reaching back out to you! I can promise you that these are not empty words simply written . . . each and every post comes from the heart and we are a caring family that take care of our own! You are our newest family addition and we will do our utmost to take care of you "gently" and sometimes with a bit of tough love and swift kick in the a** to help you come back to the life you deserve. This is not an easy journey for sure, none of us asked for it . . but here it is. We all deal differently, but share the same pain. Just know you are not alone now. Stay with us . . . and truly know that we care about you! Dayna

Kevin,
I feel every word that you have written. I too have had suicidal thoughts after my mother died. But I want to be with my loved one's in heaven, so I must wait until the Lord calls me home. It is in God's time not mine. I did eventually go to the Dr. and got put on Cymbalta and a sleeping pill. I am so thankful that I am on this medication. I lost my husband 2 months ago and it has been so hard, but I don't have to battle the depression this time. I was in that very dark place, and it is scary there. Please know people do care, and do love you. Be kind to yourself. And there are no time limits. We are all here for you!

Kevin,
My husband was ill and made me leave the day he died. I didn't get to see that as you did. I am sorry for your loss and understand your pain. Right now I feel compelled to tell you a story....
*** In Jan of 2006 there was a man ready to give up because his 1st wife had died on 1-21-01. He hurt like you do now. He joined groups and dating sites and prayed to God. He was ready to give up from the pain. Then on 1-21-06 this crazy woman from far away contacted him. She gave him hope. They dated. They married the next year on 1-21-07. He had a better life. He thanked God for it every day. He got sick. They cried. They loved and he passed away on 2-18-13.***
DON"T GIVE UP. Talk to us here. Seek help and pray. God loves us. We are all in pain. I loved Lou the whole 7 years I got him and I do not regret a single day. I too am grieving him. I too am depressed. Don't let it over take you. If you can get out, go. VOLUNTEER It helps and gives you a good feeling in the pit of your stomach. It was helping me until the work hours took over and I couldn't anymore. Talk to us. Don't give up.

Kevin, I am sorry for your loss, and that you are having such a bad time of it. I have felt what you are feeling many times in my life, and especially after Cliff died. Cliff died 7 years ago. How did I survive feeling like you do right now? I will tell you....

I realized that it was not that I wanted to die. I realized that it was that I did not want to live so miserably. Anyone who has not contemplated or attempted suicide may not understand that there is a difference, but there is, and it is huge.

So then the question became, well how do I deal with it when that thought, that temptation comes up again? Sometimes, I would tell myself simply, "NOT TODAY." If I could make it through one more day, and not give in, then I could tackle the reasons my life was so miserable. And I did. There were a lot of days where I had to say "not today" but I got stronger and stronger with each one.

I also got counseling, which helped me grapple with all the stress, the sadness, the loneliness, and all the unresolved issues that come when you lose your other half. And I had a whole big bunch of those.... Counseling really helped.

I also found this site. When I was crushed and broken under the weight of it all, folks here listened and understood, and helped me rebuild myself and my life.

That was a long time ago now. I am one of the Community Leaders or "CL" that were mentioned. Along with old friends Sharon and Marsha (Shrn and marjoe), we have been through that dark tunnel and managed to come out the other side, so we have stayed on to help.

My life is good now. And when I hit that 5-year anniversary that is coming up for you, it felt like a big deal. It IS a big deal, and I know it's a milestone and that is part of why it's hitting you so badly. But you CAN get through this. Honest. But more importantly, it will be worth it to get through it. You need to know that. IT IS WORTH IT TO KEEP GOING. I would have missed so very very much if I had given in to the despair. I am so glad that I didn't!

I hope being here at DS will help you as much as it helped me and countless others. It helps to be among those who understand and are going through it as well. We can help you find ways to make it through this, you'll find a thousand ideas here. In the meantime, if you feel like you must do something right now, then pick up the phone and call one of these numbers - they are there to help you when you are in crisis:

Remember that these organizations exist to help you.

Suicide Prevention / Depression

USA: Hopeline (Suicide): 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)
USA: Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-8255)
USA: Grief Recovery Helpline : 1-800-445-4808

You can find these numbers on our Help pages, under "Crisis Resources."

Let us help you get to a better place before July. You don't have to go it alone anymore. You're among friends now. Welcome.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

Father in Heaven, I pray that you will give Kevin a renewed passion to live, to focus on You, to serve You as he is already doing, but taking it to a higher level, to comfort someone else who needs a kind word. I pray that he will find the peace that only You can give him and that he will not just survive, he will thrive, in Jesus Name.