Gemini,
You need to take time for your own healing. Sometimes it's just a day to cry freely. You are at an overwhelming time, the fog has lifted and you are doing the work of two parents and provider. But you are putting you in the back of the line on care.
Do you have family or friends that cam watch your children? < maybe take an overnight? Just so you have time to take care of you for a bit? This is the one thing that I see parents that are grieving, forget to do. They are so busy keeping all the plates spinning in the air, they forget their own healing time. So afraid of grieving in front of their children, being perceived as weak, the just don't give themselves enough credit or breaks.
Heck even a couple hours of a calgon moment may leave you refreshed, also allow you a private place where others won't notice the waterworks.

Ele's place offers grief counseling for children, but the side benefit is you meet other parents that are dealing with your set of challenges too.
Vent here when ever you want, someone will answer.

Hugs Jewells.

I was older when I lost my husband. It was such a mentally and physically draining time I can only imagine having to deal with children and everyday issues and needs that have to be taken care of for them. I did have my grand children and I cried in front of them and with them as they missed him too. Tears help to release the stress and sadness even small ones will understand that you are sad and need to rest and to cry. Hugs!!

Geminii - this is going to sound strange, but actually the fact that you are trying to stay positive for them is going to be helpful to you.

I say that because when our daughter died we had a sixth grader and sophomore in high school still living at home. We wanted to just hibernate at times, but that fact that we wanted them to have a chance at a normal life required us to be as normal as possible. I felt that actually helped. My wife probably would not have come out of her room otherwise.

We don't get a chance to pick our trials, we must just deal with what has happened.

:) Bob

Gemini - sometimes you just can't. In my head, those first months especially, I was like screaming silently JUST SHUT UP. And sometimes, more than sometimes, got snappy with people. I applaud you for trying, when it's so hard. Jewells is right - even an hour to walk or to take a bath or to cry - you need this time for yourself, to recharge a little. Hugs to you - Marsha

I too am greiving the death of my husband and we have a son together. what i fght with most is my unconcious pushing away of the ones i love the most.
My grandma told us when she was passing away that we always hurt the ones we love the most because we know they will always be there.
This is not an excuse to hurt people but rather a way of recgonizing that we are doing this unconsiously. I have horrible mood swings. i am in a new relationship with a man who has taken a beating from me and my swings.
I had to learn to step away and take moments out for myself. No one will ever love ou the wa you love you and therefore you must take care of your self too. Please dont be me and wait too long to realize this. I waited two years and pushed a lot of people away and never took an time for myslef. That too will make you angry with others and your sef.

Thank you all for the kind words of support. They really do mean alot. Be blessed everyone.

Geminii74

Gemini my grief counselor suggested alloting 20 minutes a day to write a letter to my spouse. If you cry you cry. It allows you to grieve and identify your feelings. Its a ways to try and acknowledge your grief so it doesnt spill out in other ways. Wishing you and your kids only the best. Gerald

Early on , I was told that in my grieve in order to make it, I would have to be selfish and look out for myself first if I wanted to be able to be there for my children. I did not go all out selfish but I did understand the message that for once it was o.k. to put myself first and deal with my grieve in order to there for my children. Just allowing myself that knowledge allowed me to do things to heal and be there for them at the same time .