21 days ago, on October 8th at 6:30am my Fiance and I were involved in a car accident. A distracted driver tried to make an unsafe lane change while we were traveling around 65 miles per hour on the freeway. My fiance was driving the car and I sat next to him as he tried to avoid a collision. We ended up out of control as did the other driver, and went across four lanes of traffic into a ravine where I am told we rolled 6 plus times. The car stopped upsidedown and I survived, but I sat there as the love of my life, whom I have spent almost everday with for the last ten years, took his last breath. I am lost now, I have no idea how I am supposed to go on. I lost everything that day. All my plans for the future, are gone. It hurst to breath. I fell guilt and regret. I should feel lucky to be alive, I've seen pictures of the car and the top is flat except where I was sitting and yet I feel angry that I lived. Everyone keeps saying I'll be ok and it will get better. Honestly I don't see how it can.  He was my whole world. One moment we were talking wedding plans and the next he drew his last breath and we were torn apart. I can't even feel the full range of emotions with all the pain meds I am on. That man saved my life, he made everyday bareable and helped me grow and move beyond my complicated past. To compound things, I not only lost the love of my life, my hero, and best friend, but I also lost my ability to perform everyday tasks due to injuries. I am losing my home because I cannot afford it by myself and this was our first place together so brining in a room mate doesn't seem right. There is so much sensless loss I can't even process it all. It's bitter sweet now, but for the past four months since we moved out on our own finally, we were the happiest we had ever been. We had made it as adults and he was so proud of me and himself. He was so full of life and we were just starting the rest of our lives. I know we were not yet married, but we spent 10 years together, our wedding date was set for the 13th of December, which is the date of our 10 year anniversery. We were high school sweethearts, and now I'm a widow. It souds weird to say that, because I am still so young, but I am a widow. There is so much more I want to say but I fear I would be rambling. I just feel like each day is a bad dream and I will soon wake from this nightmare with him laying next to me smiling waiting to ask me how I slept. I wish I could go with him because living without him hurts too much.