IMO it would be a mistake being that it would be a financial hardship for you--and that this is a chronic problem--especially if you have helped them before. Sometimes the best way to help them is to make them stand on their own two feet. You have to do what your heart tells you to do--but if you think you should say no don't feel guilty about saying no--it won't be a popular decision but if it's right for you it's what you need to do. You are better off saying no to begin with than having to boot them out six months from now when they are still struggling to figure it out.
Good luck in whatever decision you make.

It's a hard decision, being there are children involved. Years ago
we took in my brother in law, until he got back on his feet. Well
he never did one thing to help us out when he was living with
us. He trashed the bedroom and the bathroom. And now we
were having money problems trying to help him out. To make
a long story short,by the time we kicked him out, my husband
and I were arguing with his brother so much, it was just a relief
to get him out of my house. Doesn't mean that will happen with you.
Set the rules before they come to live there,and make sure everyone understands what is expected of them. Just saying.

I think you need to find out why they are not paying the rent. If the husband works I cannot imagine that there are too many priorities beyond food and rent. If they are spending their money foolishly while neglecting their responsibilities as parents and adults then I would by now means allow them to move in. Nothing will change and they will never move out.

If, on the other hand, they are having real hardship, unavoidable problems which are making it hard for them to make ends meet, then i would let them move in for a while, putting a time limit on how long they have to get things in order.

To be honest, if they are not paying the rent, and the husband is working, then I suspect something really irresponsible is going on, that is why you need to find out more detail. They may be partying the rent money away, and moving in with you will just make it so much easier for them to sustain an irresponsible lifestyle. Don't let them move in unless you are absolutely sure that they are in true financial hardship because of something beyond their control.

God Bless, Sal

Hi there i agree with sal and have been where you are at and it was the worst mistake i could have made allowing them to move in - do what your heart feels cause you know them better than us hugs lynne

I agree with Sal. I have a friend going through this right now. Her daughter and son-in-law moved in and shortly after both quit their jobs in the guise of looking for better jobs. They do nothing but eat her food, and run up her utilities. They don't even clean house or start dinner.

I agree with the others. You need to ask a lot of questions before you get backed into having them in your home. If they don't have enough money to pay rent then they are spending too much and earning too little.

How is living with you going to change that? It will eliminate their rent expense, but doesn't answer how they are going to have enough money to leave your house, pay all the expenses to re-establish a place of their own and stay afloat. (And IF they do come live with you, you need to be very clear about how much they're going to be contributing for the additional costs for food, utilities, etc.)

It would seem that if you can't keep a roof over your head, and insist on being the primary bread winner, then you better get a second job. And, if they don't want her to work outside the home while the children are young maybe she can babysit or find another way to supplement their income -- maybe part time work in the evening while he watches the children.

It is very dangerous to get into these helping situations without a clear plan on how and when they are going to be able to stand on their own. And you need to be clear that if you had to, you could ask them -- children and all -- to leave.

I'm sorry to sound harsh, but I have had quite a bit of unfortunate experience as the "savior" in a family of those who sometimes figure it's easier to put their hands in my pockets than to figure out how to take care of their own finances.

This is a difficult decision for any parent under normal circumstances. Right now you are so vunerable and it is hard to see clearly. You may even think it would be nice to have the company

Unless there is a serious illness or other uncontrollable event, sounds like they are handling their money badly. They will never learn if you fix the problem for them. You are the easy way out for them. Let them struggle with the hard way - it will help them mature.

If it will be a financial hardship for you - you have to think about that first and think about making arrangements for how they can help out.

I think this is hard for us to answer since we don't know them. Having 2 kids in a small place - that could be tough.

A lot depends upon how long - and will they keep their end of the bargain and move when you want.

Temporary help could either strengthen your relationship with them - or hurt it - depending upon what happens.

I've read other posts of yours where you were concerned about aging and having people to help you, etc. so I am not going to be as quick as everyone else and say it is a big mistake. You may deepen the family ties and perhaps they will be there to help you in someway when the time comes.

When my husband & I were younger he was kicked out of his place and needed a place to stay. We were not really dating - had previously but now were just friends. Everyone told me not to let him move in - but I did - and I had a very small apartment. It was called a convertible one bedroom - and he slept on the couch. After several months my lease was up and I moved to another apartment nearby and told him he would need to get his own place - which he did.

Was it a mistake like everyone said?? No - we became better friends and got married 3 years later. This is a decision only you can make - sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't - perhaps create a contract first based on what everyone wants and needs.

This issue has all kinds of red flags. My daughter and her family moved into her mother-in-law's house "just for 3 months" until they could get back "on their feet". It was 2 yrs later before they got their act together. And family relations there were extremely strained.

Maybe one compromise (to keep from having them sleeping on the street) might be to OK their SLEEPING at your house, but not allowing them to bring into the house anything but their clothes. That way, if you wanted them out, you could just say "No more. Find another place."

Some people live their lives living off others. I hope you will not be negatively impacted by this situation. If you have financial strains now, it would just be worse if they moved in. Consider the increases in utility costs, food, etc.

I wish you the very best in this. It is a difficult decision. Ultimately, only you know all the details that are involved here. Good luck!

I am not a parent of a grown child, but my husband's sister is living with Mike's mom and has been there now for 4 years...back when she decided she didn't like her job and was too lazy to go to work. She lost her house and moved home with her mother...along with 4 kids. They have not made one bit of effort to move. Why move when you have your bills covered...why work when you mother will buy your food. Just sayin as many here do that ihis can backfire even though you have good intentions.

Maggie

I think there is more than one answer to this situation. I do agree that you need more information about why this is going on. Where is their money going? If they won't talk to you openly and honestly about their financial situation, then don't get involved in it.

What perhaps would be a better approach, depending on how you are situated, would be to lend them one month's rent with the proviso that it is to allow them to find another place to live that is more affordable. That would buy them time to not be on the street, give you some peace of mind, and put them in the position of showing whether they are serious about taking responsibility for their situation or not.

Sometimes people just need a little help for a short term. That is fine, and it is commendable to help family in my opinion. I have 5 siblings, and believe me, we have each had a turn at being the one needing help and also being the one providing help, so I am not against it by any stretch. But at the same time, you need to take care of you and help encourage them to take responsibility.

It will do them no good self-esteem or motivation wise if you take them in. I think being willing to a degree to help and showing confidence in them that given a little help they can do it on their own would be better for everybody.

Just my two cents, and I hope it helps.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

It's not an easy decision, thats for sure. Martha has an excellent suggestion. But what can you afford to give them? If you need your cash for your own bills, you need to be honest and tell them that. One thing I've learn in counseling is to identify WHO owns the problem. Then move from there to what you CAN do to help. This is all anyone can expect. Sharon

Only once in our married life did we take someone in to our house. It was Jim's sister. She was to stay for a short time. She slept in the basement with the spiders every night. She went to work every day and she cooked supper on ocassion for us even bringing me flowers. When the time came for her to move-she did. She died a few years before Jim and I miss her so much. She was a very good person. I would say we had a very good experience having her with us for a short time. Hugs, Chris

My advice?I agree with Sal's evaluation. You definitely have to talk to them to see what's up. In today's economy many extended families live together for a time. If your son-in-law works full time there must be a reason they are behind in rent. You have every right to know their financial situation before they move in. That will help you all to plan the exit strategy. If they move in, be careful to set up the agreement BEFORE so they know what to expect. How long can they stay? What contribution will they make to the household? If they can't pay rent what do they pay toward expenses, food, electricity? How much can they set aside to use for deposit on their next apartment? You are caught in a very difficult place because of your daughter and grandchildren. If you have the willingness and strength to stand up to the contract you make with them you might consider it. If you know the son-in-law takes advantage you might do something else to begin with. You'll be in my prayers! Darleen

Thanks, everyone. These suggestions help so much. I want to do the best I can for them, but I don't want to make them dependent on me as I will not always be here.