Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
My husband told me years ago that my father was manipulative. I didn't believe him. Now, I've got a problem and need some advice if possible. I've got nowhere else to go, so I'm posting it here. My father has been plain evil since I lost my husband. I've given him thousands of dollars and yet he comes back for more, saying what I gave him before was nothing. Now, he's nearing foreclosure and wants more. He's said all sorts of mean things to me, even saying that my husband worked a lot just to get away from me. That's so not true as my husband often invited me out to his job and to every financial event known to man.
So, here's my problem. My father just told me that he's been saying these hateful things because he wanted to push me away from him so that he wouldn't be a burden on me. He said his doctor told him that he has an enlarged prostate gland and that he wanted to refer him to a urologist. My dad is 84. I'm worried sick. I've been sitting here crying for the last 30 minutes since he told me. Then I remembered what my husband said and wondered if this was a trick to get more money from me. God forgive me if I'm way off base. I certainly hope it's something like this as I want my dad to live a long time. I don't want to lose him.
I'm just so close to all of this and don't know what to think of any of this.
So, here's my problem. My father just told me that he's been saying these hateful things because he wanted to push me away from him so that he wouldn't be a burden on me. He said his doctor told him that he has an enlarged prostate gland and that he wanted to refer him to a urologist. My dad is 84. I'm worried sick. I've been sitting here crying for the last 30 minutes since he told me. Then I remembered what my husband said and wondered if this was a trick to get more money from me. God forgive me if I'm way off base. I certainly hope it's something like this as I want my dad to live a long time. I don't want to lose him.
I'm just so close to all of this and don't know what to think of any of this.
YOU have to decide what you will and will not take.
You can not accept destroying who or what you are physically, emotionally and financially without destroying YOU.
By showing you care because he is your father going to the Drs appt truly shows that. That is your relationship with him and it is out of caring. If he can not accept that part of your caring - and if that is how he has been in the past - it most likely manipulation and control of you.
However, if he has been a loving father in the past and this behavior has just come on since aging has come on there maybe something there drs need to look at also. We noticed with my husband's father his change in attitude ~mid 80's or late 80's - he had a mild stroke. We had a phamplet on the aging that described how the elderly lose their part in the brain that helps us determine right and wrong, keeps us from being aggressive, how they become controlers etc.... After some kind of (pill) probably anxiety/depression whatever he became less aggitated, aggressive, and controling. This is something you may think of when he became this way - if its always been his life style than you are to do the TOUGH LOVE...
Hugs and wish you well
Glad that the situation is resolved.
love,
Carla
My mother was the most manipulative, self-centered person I have ever known, but it took me years to figure that out. Most of my life I bowed down to her, because after all, she WAS my mother, she loved me, right? NOT. My husband did NOT like her, he despised her as a matter of fact, but he walked on eggshells trying not to hurt my feelings. He hated the way she treated me. Unconditional love - she didn't know the meaning. Finally, I had enough, and didn't speak to her for years. My baby sister convinced me to be "nice", and I relented, after all she was my mother, she loved me, right? My husband would talk me through scenarios where I finally understood that she only loved me if I could be a benefit to her. When he died she really showed her a$$!! When she died 18 months after I lost my husband, sadly, the only emotion I felt was relief.
I hope you have peace with your decision.
Many hugs, Cathy
His medical condition always was aweful. He died a year and a half before my husband and there were many times that my mother would call me over to talk him into going to the doctors or hospital when he needed to go. My father would not dream of asking me for money...so that I am grateful for. Actually he used to do a lot for me when I was younger, but he never could show any affection to any of his children.
My mother always worried about my fathers health and went on and on about everything he went through so much that for 30 years I worried that the next year would be his last. I finally had to stop reacting to his health issues because I was developing an ulcer worrying so much about something I could not fix.
My mother reacted to everything like it was the end of the world so I never knew by what she told me so I began calling the doctors myself. They did not know me, but they always answered every question I asked. This helped me to know when something was a big deal and when it was not.
I miss my Dad with all my heart. The reason that I am writing this though is because sometimes we have to figure out what we can and cannot deal with and live with ourselves, independent of what our loved ones are going through. We are only human and just because we love someone does not give them the right to take advantage of us.
I would always call the doctors that your father sees and get information from them. I would not use all of your money to support him as you need it to take care of you. Because you lost your husband, your primary concern needs to be to make sure that you are taken care of.
Do not let your father tell you that what you do is nothing. I would learn to say, I can see that you are going to just be difficult right now, so I will come back some time when you are being more respectful. He will at least know that he cannot manipulate you.
It is very possible to love someone and hate their actions. This is the way that I have learned to live with the difficult people in my life. They had to take responsibility for their actions...not me; just as I have to take responsibility for my actions in this world. None of us get a free pass to be @$$-&@&@$ whenever we feel like it.
Sending you lots of virtual (((((hugs))))) as you go through this.
-Diana