Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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Truhal 01/25/2012

My husband told me years ago that my father was manipulative. I didn't believe him. Now, I've got a problem and need some advice if possible. I've got nowhere else to go, so I'm posting it here. My father has been plain evil since I lost my husband. I've given him thousands of dollars and yet he comes back for more, saying what I gave him before was nothing. Now, he's nearing foreclosure and wants more. He's said all sorts of mean things to me, even saying that my husband worked a lot just to get away from me. That's so not true as my husband often invited me out to his job and to every financial event known to man.

So, here's my problem. My father just told me that he's been saying these hateful things because he wanted to push me away from him so that he wouldn't be a burden on me. He said his doctor told him that he has an enlarged prostate gland and that he wanted to refer him to a urologist. My dad is 84. I'm worried sick. I've been sitting here crying for the last 30 minutes since he told me. Then I remembered what my husband said and wondered if this was a trick to get more money from me. God forgive me if I'm way off base. I certainly hope it's something like this as I want my dad to live a long time. I don't want to lose him.

I'm just so close to all of this and don't know what to think of any of this.

Darlene-Newman 01/26/2012

You are not bad to wonder about your father's motives. I think anyone would.. or should... wonder. Here is an idea but you may not like it. I will toss it out to you anyway. Could you tell your father how concerned you really are and then tell him you absolutely want to go with him to his next doctor's appointment? Take a firm stand that you want to meet his doctor and hear what he has to say. This will serve two purposes to you. #1 You will know if what he has told you is true or not and #2 You will get first hand information as to how dangerous or not dangerous the situation is. It will ease your mind or at least prepare you for the future.
If your father absolutely refuses you can pretty well suspect what he told you may possibly be a tall tale!
Best of luck with this. I wish you the best and also your father.

deleted_user 01/26/2012

An enlarged prostate is fairly common in older males...usually a TURP (minor surgical procedure through the urethra) is done to cut away some of the overgrowth tissue...they have a cath for a few days and then they are right as rain.

The larger problem seems to be the way he has learned and you respond to his button pushing.

As Ghandi reminds us...No One Can Hurt Me Without My Permission.

(repeat as often as necessary)

Breathe.

love,

Carla

lovedaisies 01/26/2012

I'm sure I don't have any words of wisdom for you and forgive me for speaking out of turn since I don't know your full situation. Just from what you have shared, your father does sound manipulative. Are you able to help him financially, or is this a burden on your own financial well being? Is it possible your dad is suffering from dementia with personality changes, or is this how he has treated you most of your life? An enlarged prostate can often be benign and I would suggest your dad does see a urologist. I guess you should ask yourself what you can do for him, what you can't do for him, and how he reacts to you. It's certainly all the harder with the grief you are walking through and our hopes with our families is for their supportive love------With a caring heart, Sallie

lovedaisies 01/26/2012

PS---What I meant by supportive love is-----I would hope your father could demonstrate some towards YOU. You are going through a terribly hard time and his focus sounds like it is on him.
I wish you the very best.
Sallie

Truhal 01/26/2012

Thanks. I didn't know about the surgery. It doesn't sound as scary as I thought, so thanks Carla.

Sallie, helping him is only possible if I deplete my retirement money. I really don't have anything else and am struggling. My job may be gone by the end of the year.

Great idea, Darlene. Hadn't thought of that.

deleted_user 01/26/2012

Truhal, I think Darlene's suggestion may work best for you as I recall reading that he has not been very supportive of you and said some nasty things in the past so I am a little skeptical. I know he is still your Dad and you want the best for him but I think you need to find out the true without hurting him.
Sorry you are going through this with everything else........hugs

P00hbear 01/26/2012

Wow - though I completely understand your concern for you dad, he doesn't seem to be returning the favor. He says he is trying to push you away, yet he wants more money, knowing that it is going to leave you in a precarious position. I'd see what you can find out about his health, but I wouldn't give him the money. It's a hard situation, I know, my dad is a heavy smoker and has ruined his health himself, leaving us in a state of constant worry, and ruining my parents finances in the process, so I have a lot of resentment. I don't think I would deplete my own financial resources to help them, they are responsible for their life choices and decisions, just as your dad is. I will be there for them emotionally as much as I can, but not financially.

momom8 01/26/2012

my hubby had prostate cancer
your father sounds manipulative

cheerryG 01/26/2012

Wanting to push you away while he has his hand out (and nearly down your throat) does`t sound right. And for you to say you are crying over him, still makes him sound like a burden! As for his prostate - look it up, it is the single most common problem in men over 65. And most just need a pill every day - a cheap pill. At his age there is no other treatment for it. Be informed, be emotionally strong, and be tight w/your money! You are all YOU have and if he is any kind of parent don`t you think that he would be concerned about YOU and your financial future? Best of luck to you G-

deleted_user 01/26/2012

Tuhal,

Can't add a thing to what these wonderful people have said except to say I agree WHOLEHEARTEDLY with Darlene and Carla!!

no one can hurt you unless you let them!!! Something I have learned too many times with the very same situations! I can tell you that in 90% there was BIG MANIPULATION attached!

Darlen's advice was perfect. That way you will KNOW if there is something really wrong, or he is again just playing on your sympathies. HARD lesson to learn but a very valuable one. He would be like the boy who cried wolf, and learn a hard lesson of his own which would be invaluable!

HUGS and hopes that your dad is ok first, and that YOU get some PEACE! YOU are important! Don't FORGET THAT!

diane

lovelos 01/26/2012

Like Carla said an enlarged prostate is very common in older males and the surgery is very common. Lending your emotional support will be good for both of you but you need to think about yourself when it comes to your financial support. Hugs Lu Ann

TroJanThunder 01/26/2012

I worked in The operating room for many years assisting the urologists with prostate surgeries. Men live on for decades with prostate issues. They are VERY seldom fatal and usually only after many many years. Even when it's cancer. They just have a simple surgery every so often to keep the urinary tract open so they can pee.

Every man gets an enlarged prostate if he lives long enough.

deleted_user 01/26/2012

I am sorry but from everything you have written about your Father I think he plays on your guilt and sympathy to get what he wants from you. As another person said in a reply and enlarged prostate is very common in older men. I would break the ties with your Father because I feel it is a destructive relationship and is only causing you more heartache and pain. I man that has nothing good to say about a daughter that has done so much for him to me is not worth your concern as painful as it may be...I am sorry to be so blunt but sometimes in this world we have to do what is best for oursleves...and not others all the time...

deleted_user 01/26/2012

I think you should think about what your husband told you. If you trust your husband's judgement then you have to recognize that your father is manipulating you. I like the idea of going to the Dr with him---but I think you should really take a look at where you are financially and if you can't help him withou depleting your retirement then you shouldn't hand him anything else. I know he's your dad and you love him--but letting him manipulate you with his hand out and play on your sympathy to get money out of you continually isn't helping anyone--including him. Manipulative people are not happy people--they are looking for something they are missing. You may need to stand your ground and just say no. I honestly think if he were truly being hateful just to push you away and not be a burden he wouldn't be telling you about it--he would just do it--because telling you is being a burden and he knows it--he's guilting you. I hope you find a way to work it out. Hugs--I'm praying that you find a perfect solution.

deleted_user 01/26/2012

Your Dad has lots of experience pushing your buttons and getting money from you. This health issue may be cause for alarm but it may not, too. Find out the truth, if you can. First of all, an enlarged prostate does not necessarily mean cancer. It must be checked by a doctor but many men over the age of 50 or 60 suffer the same thing called BPH - benign prostatic hyperplasia. It may require outpatient surgery (TURP) but may be controlled by medication. I agree you should go along on the appt to see the urologist.

Please take my advise as a lay person and not as a medical professional. I'm not trying to make light of his situation but neither do you need to be upset by something that might be controlled easily.

You are so fragile right now because of your grief and your father knows that. Try to take care of yourself first, if you can. Your father may need a little "tough love" to get off your back. Good luck,
Claire

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