I am sorry for your pain. Dont let anyone tell you how to grieve. I am at 7 months and I still cry everyday for my husband. You are right when you say no one will ever know unless they have gone through this like us. Its the most terrible pain you can go through. Grieve at your own pace and like everyone here will tell you be kind to yourself. I have found comfort coming here everyone understands and you can say anything here and no one will judge you only help you. God Bless and hang in there. Hugs to you. Edie

I'm sorry your sister isn't more sympathetic and caring. It's been 5 months sisce Bob died and there are days that I'm fine then other days I feel like it just happened. Everyone has to go through this sad journey in their own way, don't let her tell you what is right or wrong. Your children need to know that you accept their own way of griveing as well. When your sister has had to deal with this type of loss she will know the deep pain and emptiness that you are feeling now. I've been vey lucky in that my family and his have been very supportive and understanding. Good Luck. Kathy

When people tell me i need to "get over it " or "Move on" i politely tell them they should probably AT LEAST pick up a book or look up "Grieving " and " Losing a spouse" before they give advise. IF they had they would find out your behaviors and pain are quite "normal" considering the circumstance. They also would find sections on "Helping someone you love Grieve" so that they stop making STUPID comments that only hurt the person grieving. The information would also let them know that your children need to know your pain, so they can know your love for your husband. Knowing that deep of love is NOT a bad thing, although it hurts like hell now. Well intentioned people are everywhere. Unfortunately if you have NOT been through it you cant begin to know, let alone give advise on the matter. Grief, you cant go around it, you cant go over or under it, you must go through it, to ever , if ever, you should heal.

Ditto to everything that has already been said. Sorry, but I would avoid this sister like the plague - my first reaction reading your post was: how dare she.... the tears are never going to stop, we might be able to better control the timing (I hope!) but like the song says - it's my party and I'll cry if I want to.
Lois, please do cry and I will back you every tear of the way.
Lisa

I wish I could just hug your pain away. There is no time to stop mourning, I don't think we are ever free of it, but slowly, life takes hold of us, and we WANT to laugh, feel happy and enjoy simple things again. There is no betrayal in that, it is wholesome and healing. To everything there is a seson, a time to weep, and a time to smile, only you will know your times. Bless you dear, on this painful part of life's journey.

Oh Lois, I am so sorry first that you lost your husband and second that your sister is part of the "clueless" idiots of this world. I have to warn you, these types of comments come from so many and hurt horribly. I too have learned who I can lean on and who I couldn't. They think by telling us to buck up it some how helps. Unfortunately it only adds to the pain because we feel so hurt and can't share. I have come to believe that they are afraid of us and don't want to deal with their own feelings of dying. And they want us to go away or keep it to ourselves so they can do their own thing without feeling guilty.

Listen to your daughter and cry and talk to them. My kids are older and NO they do not get upset that I cry, actually I think it helps them too. They know they aren't alone missing their dad and that I haven't forgotten him at all. It made us very close.

Here at DS, we all understand. Vent here on DS. Share and find comfort. Hugs to you,
Kathy

You need to read what is said here from the widow/widowers support group. You are perfectly normal.

Dr John Schneider, mental health professional for over 35 yrs who has studied the difference between sadness and depression:
Grieving is hard work. It requires much attention and enormous energy. At times a professional who understands grieving can help us recognize where we are in the process, encourage us to make the movements appropriate in our own time and our own way!!! They can help point by pointing out the pitfalls and highlight opportunities.

When we are grieving we are going through perhaps the most severe physical, mental, emotional and spiritual crisis of our lives. It takes courage to reach out to those who understand your grief and shows the opposite of weakness. Reaching out to our siblings, parents, friends is part of that courage not weakness.

Having someone who will listen to you & help you get it out of your soul is tremendous help, to discourage such keeps that person slowed down in those steps that bring the process of grieving going forward.

I know its typical of family, friends etc to say "its time you move on" and somewhere in our society's communication needs to be improved or changed.

I wish your children and you days of comfort and peace as much as possible at this time.

After 28yrs I still have my pitty parties! Until they walk in your shoes just tell them to keep their rude comments to themselves. Take care of yourself and cry when needed.

Lois - I am so sorry that your sister said just unfeeling things but sometimes friends and family just can not understand the pain, the anguish that we are going through unless they've experienced this loss also. That is one of the things that makes DS so wonderful, so helpful - everyone here is on the same journey and we all "get it". I hope that you find the comfort, support and understanding here that I have felt over the past year.
My husband, my soulmate passed away 13 months ago today - and I still cry most days. I miss him every minute and I wish he would come walking through that door more than anything in the world. Grief is so different for everyone - YOUR GREIF, YOUR TIME, YOUR WAY. That is what someone told me at the very beginning of my journey and it is so true.
Crying is very good for you, very cleansing - just make sure that you drink lots of water to combat the dehydrating. Be gentle with yourself - be good to yourself and come here often.
Hugs to you,
Chris

While I am not blessed with children, I am blessed with a sister who was widowed herself nine years ago. She is the total opposite of your sister. She has been my guide, encouraging me to cry, telling me that tears are the body's way of discharging the trauma that is stored in your nervous system. By crying, we are literally releasing that disregulated energy that is gnarled up inside us. It is essential to cry, to grieve, to let all of it up and out.
One of the first things she told me, after my soulmate passed, was "Don't expect people to get this s--t!" And she was so right. Although it wasn't my sister who said hurtful things to me, I have had numerous friends say equally inane, stupid and insensitive remarks to me, the equivalent of "get over it". They want "me" back and don't know how to deal with my grief. I've stopped seeing those friends. It just hurt too much. I'm down to just a handful of people who seem to be able to understand in some way what this grief, this particular loss, is all about, even if they don't entirely "get it". As everyone knows, to "get it", they'd have to have had the same loss, and that is nothing I'd wish for anyone.
My sister also said that I am the only one who can take care of my nervous system. So, I am making the hard choices about who I spend time with, or talk to. I have to say I spend a lot of time on my own. And I'm OK with that. Better than feeling more hurt than I am already feeling, missing my love.
I have to say also that, at 12 weeks, you are in very early days. I remember I almost went back to work at 12 weeks, thinking I might be ready. So wrong. For me, that was actually the beginning of even deeper levels of grief, which didn't stop for the next two months. The meltdowns were numerous and daily, overwhelming, and nothing I would have wanted to "share" with colleagues at work. And as others have already said, this is NORMAL.
This is a long journey, an odyssey. It is our own journey and thank God for DS and the very few people in our lives that can
understand, or at least, ACCEPT the possibility that they really CAN'T understand entirely, but ACCEPT that you are going through a profound loss, and that grieving and tears are a very essential part of the healing process.
Please take care of yourself, and your nervous system, and stay away from people who, although well-meaning, make remarks and judgments that cut to the quick. Your loss, your grief is your own, it is REAL, as real as the love of your life was. You need to experience your feelings and your grief or you could end up ill yourself.
I can only surmise that your children recognize your grief, on some level, as validation of the love you will always have for their father. And I am sure they would want you to do what is required for you to remain healthy and in their lives.
Thinking of you. Blessings and very big hugs to you. xx BB

I am so sorry for your loss and for your sister's hurtful words. She probably thought she was being helpful, but until you have traveled the road we are on you just can't begin to understand the pain. Your loss is so recent, and tears are absolutely a part of the grieving process. I lost my Brian 18 months ago, and I still have days when the tears just will not stop. Don't try to rush your grief or hide it, and remember that you have a DS family here who understands what you are going through. Hugs, Susan

Lois, You are just beginning to come out of the numbness from the death of your husband. When I was at 3 months I was still a basket case. You sister probably hates to see you suffer so she thinks you should get over it. Just come to us here at DS we all understand. Diane

Lois,
Oh, one more day with our husbands, would be a dream, and I would even settle for a dream of him now. He left this earth, 10 and a half weeks ago and sometimes it seems just like yesterday :(
I too, have an insensitive, younger, sister, and after her selfish remarks, I have not talked to her for 9 weeks. Our older sister died suddenly last year.
I really wish that I had a sister to talk to now.

I hope that today brings you, at least some moments of, sunshine and happiness:)
((HUGS))
Debi

You are so early in this journey. You need to cry, vent, rage, talk, and do whatever it takes to grieve. This journey is a painful one, and it is true, your sister will not understand until she has been there. I am so sorry for your pain. I have children also, and I do not think my crying has harmed them in any way. They know how much I loved their Dad and they know how much I miss him. Trying to hold in the tears or hide your pain from the kids is not healthy. Hugs to you today, Dawn

You cry if you want to, you can miss him all you want. You are right, no one knows, unless they have been through this, the pain and lonliness that comes with it. It has been almost 6 mnths for me and I still have bad days. That just shows your love for husband. God Bless you. You live day to day however you need to.... Dottie