Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
This has probably appeared here before. It was written by Sandra Walker and is very good. Confirms our feelings about all the thoughtless things people say to "help" us. (Excerpts follow) The first comments following the item are what the person means to imply. "WIFL" is what it feels like to new widows to hear this.
1. "God just needs another angel." She's a believer; this will give her peace.
WIFL: "Like Hell he does. To do what? He has a trillion already. I need Glen here, and my kids need him."
2. "He's at peace now." He is with the Lord in Heaven and that is a peaceful thought.
WIFL: "We were at peace before all of this happened. He didn't go looking for peace."
3, "How are you doing?" I am expressing concern and love.
WIFL: "Seriously, is that a question? Do you really want that answer? I'm a widow with a brain injury; I'm facing a whole new world. My children have no father. I wake up every morning alone."
4. " "Everything happens for a reason." There is a reason for this, and one day it will all make sense.
WIFL: "I don't doubt His plan for 1 second. but at this moment that brings me absolutely no solace. I mean none."
5. "I know exactly how you feel (when my husband left/ when I got divorced/ my husband travels for work). Relating to her will make her feel good.
WIFL: You have absolutely no idea how it feels. Those things are difficult, but not the same. I don't want you to EVER know how it feels."
6 "I'm glad to see you're moving on." Love and concern
WIFL: "I'm not moving on; I will never move on. I may be moving forward. And what does "moving on" imply? That I am dating? I that the only way I can show growth and healing by dating?"
7. "Let me know if there's anything you need." Love, concern and a willingness to help.
WIFL: The majority of the time, I have no idea what I need. Ask my best friend. Best of all, tell me what you are going to do, Anything you can think of, I probably need. The last thing I want to do is admit it. The biggest needs are probably a meal, a nap and time alone in my house."
8. "At least you're young" You can get remarried and live a happy life.
WIFL: I'm pretty sure that being young does not make this any easier. Every age of widowhood presents different challenges, but being young does not make it easier. I planned to spend the rest of my life with this person, and being young enough to be able to spend it with someone else is of no comfort at all."
9."You're doing the best you can with your kids" You are doing a great job.
WIFL: "Of course I'm doing the best I can do. Unless my children are running naked in the streets, please tell me I'm doing an AWESOME job with my kids. It's taking everything in me to get out of bed in the morning. let alone get my kids out of bed."
10."I don't know how you do it." I don't know how you do it.
WIFL: None of us knows how we will handle something until it becomes our story..... Circumstances happen, and you choose a way to go....Some endings are favorable and some are not. There is weight in good choices.
Me, the way I'm handling it? God. My faith. My weaknesses. My imperfections, My lessons learned. My tantrums. My children. My future. My love. My mistakes. And an occasional homemade wine spritzer.
Here is a short list of things that would work. Everyone is different, so these are my (Sandra Walker's) statements of comfort during my early widowhood.
"Honey, I love you so much"
"I'm so sorry, this just doesn't make sense"
"Hey, I would like to drop dinner off on Tuesday or Sat. What works for you?"
"The kids are doing so well; you are doing an awesome job."
"I don't know what to say."
1. "God just needs another angel." She's a believer; this will give her peace.
WIFL: "Like Hell he does. To do what? He has a trillion already. I need Glen here, and my kids need him."
2. "He's at peace now." He is with the Lord in Heaven and that is a peaceful thought.
WIFL: "We were at peace before all of this happened. He didn't go looking for peace."
3, "How are you doing?" I am expressing concern and love.
WIFL: "Seriously, is that a question? Do you really want that answer? I'm a widow with a brain injury; I'm facing a whole new world. My children have no father. I wake up every morning alone."
4. " "Everything happens for a reason." There is a reason for this, and one day it will all make sense.
WIFL: "I don't doubt His plan for 1 second. but at this moment that brings me absolutely no solace. I mean none."
5. "I know exactly how you feel (when my husband left/ when I got divorced/ my husband travels for work). Relating to her will make her feel good.
WIFL: You have absolutely no idea how it feels. Those things are difficult, but not the same. I don't want you to EVER know how it feels."
6 "I'm glad to see you're moving on." Love and concern
WIFL: "I'm not moving on; I will never move on. I may be moving forward. And what does "moving on" imply? That I am dating? I that the only way I can show growth and healing by dating?"
7. "Let me know if there's anything you need." Love, concern and a willingness to help.
WIFL: The majority of the time, I have no idea what I need. Ask my best friend. Best of all, tell me what you are going to do, Anything you can think of, I probably need. The last thing I want to do is admit it. The biggest needs are probably a meal, a nap and time alone in my house."
8. "At least you're young" You can get remarried and live a happy life.
WIFL: I'm pretty sure that being young does not make this any easier. Every age of widowhood presents different challenges, but being young does not make it easier. I planned to spend the rest of my life with this person, and being young enough to be able to spend it with someone else is of no comfort at all."
9."You're doing the best you can with your kids" You are doing a great job.
WIFL: "Of course I'm doing the best I can do. Unless my children are running naked in the streets, please tell me I'm doing an AWESOME job with my kids. It's taking everything in me to get out of bed in the morning. let alone get my kids out of bed."
10."I don't know how you do it." I don't know how you do it.
WIFL: None of us knows how we will handle something until it becomes our story..... Circumstances happen, and you choose a way to go....Some endings are favorable and some are not. There is weight in good choices.
Me, the way I'm handling it? God. My faith. My weaknesses. My imperfections, My lessons learned. My tantrums. My children. My future. My love. My mistakes. And an occasional homemade wine spritzer.
Here is a short list of things that would work. Everyone is different, so these are my (Sandra Walker's) statements of comfort during my early widowhood.
"Honey, I love you so much"
"I'm so sorry, this just doesn't make sense"
"Hey, I would like to drop dinner off on Tuesday or Sat. What works for you?"
"The kids are doing so well; you are doing an awesome job."
"I don't know what to say."
-
My mom passed away on June 18th. I was her cargiver and only child. Although she was 89 years young and it was "expected" I don't know how to BREATHE without her. I stay busy throughout the day but I can only do that so long until I burn out! I'm all alone now and don't know what I'm going to do!! I can only fake it for so long. I'm TIRED of losing my people!!!!
Love and Hugs,
Martha
If someone does not know what to say, I'd rather they keep their mouth shut. What can anyone say, or say that will give you comfort? Nothing
I now hate "How are you doing?" The answer that always comes to mind is "How in the F _ _ _ do you think I am doing?" But instead I say comfortable, and that about sums it up.
Clearly, I didn't respond. I will add this to my own private list of what not to say to me.
I am so happy to read that, it was everything I have ever thought or felt.
I think the worst thing anyone's said to me was by a friend I went to high school with. I ran into her not long after I'd had Jake, so Frankie was about 2 years in after his diagnosis. She was sweet and sympathetic, but I was full of optimism, that made it easy. Ran into her a few months after Frankie passed, I had all the kids with me and since I don't participate in social media crap, she had no idea to my knowledge he had passed. She didn't mention him, acknowledge it so I assumed she didn't know. I said, " I don't know if you know but Frankie passed away Nov. 17". She whispered that she did know, my x-husband is friends with her on FB we all went to school together, he posted that Frankie had passed. She also said that she didn't want to mention his name as there is no sense in that, no sense in bringing it up and upsetting me. She actually SAID those words to me with a straight face. I looked at her like she had three heads. I said, "Wow. You'd have been a lot better off just lying and telling me you didn't know." I walked away and haven't seen her since.
Well, yes he did - but that's actually no comfort to me whatsoever - from my point of view he should have lived doing what he loved!
Also, I love Marjoe's "crispy around the edges" comment. I have been and occasionally still am crispy. Wasn't sure how to describe it but I've got the words now.
Thank you,
John
Hugs.......Sandra