Am so sorry you have experienced a very difficult time. You are smart and he probably knew he couldn't really be the one for you. As for warning the new gf, that can backfire. I was warned with letters and a phone call (message). She was desperate to get him back, and everyone who knew her through my bf, blocked her calls and turned on her for her actions. It won't take too much time before the new gf sees what you and others experienced.

Please treat yourself to a great meal - dance to wonderful music in your house and celebrate being free to meet someone marvelous eventually. You deserve great happiness and it will happen.

Thanks Coreen for your words. He's apparently been with her for a year and a half. So maybe they're happy or she's seen it and ignored it like I did for many years. Who knows? Right now, I'm fearful of dating again. Ideally, I'd like to travel when I can and then see how I feel. I'd rather be really selfish right now and do everything that I want to do given that he never wanted to honor my desires. So now it's my time.

It's hard to give up the dream that I thought he and I would travel together. The one time we did, he had the audacity to call her in front of me and claim it was a guy he was calling. Obviously, he doesn't understand a woman's instinct as I sensed he was talking to a woman and called him out on it and he denied it. I guess she signed the lease on the condo where they currently live when he was with me. So he left her in a stressful situation and lied to her and lied to me. It all just makes me sick. He doesn't know that I know he's living with a new gf and that I know where. I haven't confronted him about it and I don't plan on it because I know he will just lie about it. So it all ended with me telling him to F off and then he begged for a second chance.

It's been hilarious with my girlfriends brainstorming ways to get even, but it's all just in jest because I know the best defense is no contact. However, some of the scenarios are quite funny. As we all know though, they never go down as we imagine. So it's best to leave it the way I did and get on with my life.

It's funny how it feels like I'm getting off a drug. I guess I was an addict, waiting for my next fix of something nice from him. Weird thing is he was never mean to my face, never said anything hurtful. He just never followed through on his promises and lied left and right. He thought I'd never figured out the lies and that his life was just a hot mess that he's been working so hard to straighten out. But he likes his life messed up as he thrives on chaos so he can use that to get pity from his victims.

Reading some of the other's stories, some of the sociopaths sound really scary. Mine was exceptionally charming. I don't know what's worse. I think if mine was mean and scary I would have left long ago; but because he was so charming I stayed longer than I should have, wasting so much of my valuable time.

Mine was never mean, scary and until the end. That mask came completely off. He was also very charming. They show you what they want at certain times depending what they want from you. I remember L doing that to...pretending to call other people when in fact it was other women.

Hi OToole - the thing you said about how "he will spin it that I am the crazy one" is so true. I, too, was warned 10 years ago. And I chalked it up as another woman's jealously. I "fantasize" about getting out of my marriage, and in that fantasy, I imagine myself warning everyone I can.

But as far as if actually sounding the warning alarm should be done? I really don't know. I think that our own self is the only one we ever need to be responsible for. Since you are out of the relationship, you have succeeded in doing everything you "should" do, in my opinion. But I don't know if that's the right opinion to have!

O'Toole,
I totally understand where you are right now having the desire to warn the OW. Part of it is the desire to get back at him, to ruin something for him and expose him and part of it is that you don't want someone else to go through what you did. Let me ask you something. Did you ever talk to someone about your ex's behavior, someone who didn't know him and they didn't get it. They looked at you with a blank face or tried to offer explanations or excuses for your ex's behavior and you suddenly realized that what you were describing did not "sound" as bad as it was? You may have said things like, he ignores me, he doesn't return my calls, we made plans and he didn't show up or call, he owes me money, he got upset for no reason, he was flirting with someone right in front of me. You get the idea, you've heard enough examples from all of us. Thing is it is hard to put across to someone else how horrible the Ns actions make you feel and that it is done on purpose. If the person you are talking to hasn't been there, they don't get it. They may even offer explanations like, maybe he's busy, why did you give him money, etc. Now imagine trying to get your feelings about him across to someone who is emotionally attached to him. Not only will they not get it, they will probably defend him or say well, he's not like that with me. It's not my fault he treated you badly. He's good to me. Do you really want to have that conversation?

I remember when two of his exes tried to warn me I said well he doesn't treat me like that. So, yes, I understand your point.

Today I started reliving some of the conversations he and I had when we were on the one and only trip we took (for which I paid because he conveniently left his wallet in the car). I remember he mockingly said that I wore my heart on my sleeve as if it was the most horrible thing, then he said he didn't need me to psycho-analyze him. Also, we were on the bed doing what two people do and I fell off, sitting on the floor. Waiting for him to at least help me up, he said to me, "What? You need all the attention all the time?" This really floored me (no pun intended) because here I was giving him all the attention and that is why I fell on the floor. I guess he thought it was now okay to become cruel to me because, in retrospect, he was already with his new woman. Is that a pattern with a sociopath, that once they find a new supply they start to treat the old supply like a piece of dirt?

It's been 10 days since I've heard from him. I'm just wondering when he's going to tire of this new one (if you consider one and a half years new). Do they have a pattern of turning back to the ones they discard? I just want to know what to expect.

He still has my garage door opener.....so do they come back or not? I told him to fuck off so is that good enough?

I'm sorry that you are going through this pain, I was with my ex for around five years, was close to marriage and we had already had a baby together. That was when his abuse really escalated toward me, nothing physical just threats and also the comments of him hurting our child.

Mine was very charming and kind at the beginning too, you are right it is their pattern to start like this and gradually their behaviour becomes contradictory and the questions begin. Let me tell you, I know you don't feel like this now but you are better off without him in your life. All relationships with psychopaths and sociopaths lead nowhere but downhill.

To answer your question, I really don't think they always have to have new supply to treat the old supply badly. Many s/paths will cheat on and off for years and are notoriously unfaithful but will only have one night stands and casual relationships, the primary relationship is still usually ongoing and the woman is unaware of what they are doing (this is based on my reading and personal experience). I think there comes a point in the relationship with the s/path where they have gradually worn down your expectations, they no longer see the point in maintaining their mask and if they can they will discard the old supply either emotionally or physically.

They have a low boredom threshold, I hope your healing journey begins. Most important thing to remember is that he will probably boomerang back to you either sooner or later so prepare yourself for the sorry's and the flowery apologies. It's not genuine xx

Do they come back? Last night, 5 calls in an hour. I did not pick up or return the calls. This has happened every month for the last year and he's had ow the whole time. Something probably happened btw them or he is just alone when he doesn't want to be. Either way his calling has nothing to do with me. It's all about him.

Haven't heard a thing in 19 months and that is a good thing.

Thank you everyone. Maybe this time is different. Usually when I don't hear from him, I was the one who'd reach out to check on him because the excuses he gave me included a tinge of danger so I'd worry. Now that I know the truth--that he's with someone else and that no one like the triad is after him--there's no need to worry, I'm not contacting him asking if he's safe and okay. I wanted me to believe that he was on the run because the he had a million dollar bounty on his head. Seriously!! Maybe one day I will write down the entire story chronologically, it might really help me put everything in perspective. It might actually make a great novel and I could sell it and make millions from his BS, now wouldn't that be the best revenge, lol!

Also, for Christmas one year, I had boudoir pictures taken and had a book made for him. The big insult was that he didn't take the book! Here he kept calling me his woman and after 4 years you'd think any red-blooded man would love the pictures (he did), but when he said he wanted to keep the book at my place, my heart sunk because in my heart, I knew it was because he didn't want another woman to see it. His excuse was he didn't want clients to see it. Okay, he sold furniture out of a warehouse! It's not like he'd display the book in a warehouse! He claimed he slept in the warehouse! He could have kept the book in his briefcase. But he added to the excuse that he'd be moving in with me really soon anyway. But he could never give me a good reason why we weren't living together after "being together" for four years. Oh wait! One excuse was he still felt like he was being watched by the Triad and didn't want to put me in harms way. When I write this, it all sounds so crazy. When I was going through it, why did I so easily accept it? Again, I think I need to write it all down from beginning to end so I can clearly see all the smoke and mirrors to bring myself to see all of his guises.

Can't sleep. Little things keep replaying through my mind. So angry, sad, pissed, heart-broken, upset, curious, tired. The range of emotions is unbelievable. The irony is because of someone who is incapable of feeling emotion I am not feeling all the emotion. Odd, very odd. I just want a good night's sleep.

I am still struggling seven months on, it is like an addiction. So hard because they were not just all bad, there were good times. Sending live and hugs xxxx

Today's a hard day. And you are right. There were good times. My Mom last night said why can't you just ignore him. Well, I haven't had contact with him so it's not a matter of ignoring him. Understand, the only man my Mom has dated is my Dad and they are still together so she's never gone through a break up let alone dealt with someone who's mistreated her to the point of manipulation, etc. So talking to her about all of this is somewhat pointless. It's funny, I remember when I fell in love for the first time ever and my first love wanted to get married some day, my Mom encouraged me to date other people because she didn't want me to marry the first guy I dated like she did. In retrospect, I wish I didn't listen to her advice because my first love really was the one guy who did treat me the way I thought I should be treated by a man. No one since him treated me as well.

I was married for nine years to a man who treated me better than the spath but I remember my ex husband was selfish and narcissistic in many ways too. Not anywhere near as bad as the sociopath. The spath wouldn't compromise, he would abuse me when i was down, didn't show any of the usual understanding and empathy that a 'normal' person did.

It's strange that I never felt that attachment or belonging to my ex husband but I did and still do for the psycho. Everything makes me think of him because he was my entire life, leaving him was so hard.other people don't understand this type of attachment because unlike normal relationships this is a one sided attachment on our behalf. The psycho doesn't feel or love, I spent the past five years trying to wrap my head around that whole concept. I still spend much of my time wondering how he can just detach and be like this.

I've been in other relationships that ended but that I didn't get so obsessed with, I still think of my psycho every day most of the time. I had a child with him so I am reminded of him all the time. The saddes thing is they don't even love their kids, I would say you escaped from that relationship. There is no happy sending with these men, just disappointment and wasted years.