Victims of Psychopaths Community Group
Is he or she a sociopath or psychopath? Think we're only talking about serial killers here? Psychopaths, sociopaths and even narcissists come in every walk of life, every career level, and every socio-economic category.
This weekend was pure hell as I realized that the person I had been seeing for 5 years is a sociopath. My heart has been aching nonstop as I come to grips with the fact that everything I thought was real on an emotional level in fact wasn't real. The person I fell in love with wasn't real but a fabrication to get me to take the bait. I learned this weekend that he's been living with someone else for the last 1 and a half years. He'd make promises to see me, send me emails professing his undying love, but then he wouldn't show up when he said he would and give me a lame excuse as to why he didn't show up. Then he'd ask for a second chance. This cycle repeated itself for years and I kept falling for it and rationalizing his behavior. But this last time, I had enough and told him to F off. Curious as to what was really going on with him, I did some research this weekend, and found the real reason why he continually stood me up. I had turned into the other woman when I was in the beginning the one he wanted to marry, the one he wanted to live with, the one he couldn't live without, etc. After being there for him no matter what for 5 years, supporting him emotionally, financially when he asked, spiritually, I'm devastated. Trying to wrap my mind around the fact that I was just a mark to him, that I was just a game to him is so hard to digest. Any suggestions? How do I survive this? Why didn't I listen to the warnings I received? I always sided with him when the red flags blew right in front of my eyes. He as so convincing.
I don't have to tell you about the range of emotions you will go through. You are already experiencing it some of it. It just hit me today that it was Oct. 2013, a year ago, that I drew the line in the sand with the NPS. We met Oct 2012. The effect of bringing that person into my life was like a tornado blowing through a matchstick house. I was leveled, emotionally and financially. I too made excuses for his behavior, believed the sob stories, tried to be empathetic/sympathetic but none of it came back to me. In fact, the opposite was heaped on me. He wanted me to care about him - he made sure I did and then used me and flushed me like toilette paper. Oct. 2013 it came to a head and I told him exactly what I thought about how he was treating me and that I may be kind but not stupid - don't F with me. He had every opportunity to show me that he valued me and he chose not to time and time again. Enough was enough.
I realize now that he had started dating his current gf (new supply) that October as well. So now his treatment of me makes even more sense - he was putting all of his energy into his NS - I was old news and like you said the fact that I had been there for him and supported him emotionally, financially and spiritually meant NOTHING. Even during this conversation all he talked about was his life and all he had to deal with. Totally invalidating my feelings and complaints. This is one (of many) reasons that one has to get away from these people. You can't talk to them. They will never validate or understand any feeling you have especially if it is negative toward them. You will get no relief from bearing all, in fact, you may walk away more confused and frustrated than before. I was not relieved by that conversation but I felt sure that was it - things were done. I was amazed when he contacted me a few days later asking to borrow money, even saying that he knew we weren't on good terms but... I remember thinking wow, he is really sick. How emotionally and morally bankrupt can you be to ask more favors of someone who has told you to your face that you are a user. They can't help but to try and squeeze a bit more out of someone when most people wouldn't dream of it and would be eternally grateful for what they had already received. NPS's are broken.
That was not the last time I would have to shut him out, ignore his calls or deny requests for money or favors and all the time he was love bombing and securing the NS. They are still together a year later. Blows my mind. Maybe they are better to the one they deem worthy at the time but I've had contact with him too during this time and to me he showed that he is still just as F'd up and miserable (the real him). I don't see how you could be one way with one person and be completely different with another. I don't buy it. I know his NPS behavior was not reserved for just me. I don't care how good an actor you are, you can't keep all that crap under wraps. It's like a volcano bubbling and just waiting to blow. I may have been blind to it for a while and then made excuses for it, but it was there and it lived in my gut. I always felt anxious and unsettled. The phone would ring and I'd jump. I was like a cat in room full of rocking chairs.
It's been a year and I still struggle with the reality of it all. So don't beat yourself up for having questions and doubts and don't be surprised if you are still here on this site a year from now. It does get better. Things in my life are much better than they were a year ago. I'm better, physically, financially, and emotionally.
It just takes time.
Thank you for sharing your story. It helps so much to hear what everyone else has been through with a NPS. It makes me realize that I am not alone. Thank you Mally for your insight too. Like you, my story is so long and I remember every detail. I am starting to remember the little things he said to expose himself and I blew it off as if he was joking. Now I realize he did tell me who he really was but I was so mesmerized by the facade that he created that I didn't want to see the real person. And talk about mirroring, he had that trick done like a science! Luckily, he wasn't an angry NPS, but a very smooth and charming one. I think that is more dangerous simply because it caused me to stay around longer. Hey, he wasn't physically hurting me, but I think the emotional scars are probably deeper than I can imagine. Right now, I am trying to learn to hate him. I'm also going through a curiosity stage about the other woman. Does she know yet that he's a sociopath? What cracks me up is that someone posted a profile about him on a website called Liars, Cheaters and Bastards and I wrote them defending him and they ended up taking down the profile and website. On his profile he was labeled a sociopath. Too funny. I should have listened. As Stronger01 said, I'm going through many emotions.
People do not pay attention to exes. They are as caught up with the honeymoon phase of the relationship as you had been. In fact, the more insistent you are, the more your ex will make you seem deranged.
Unfortunately, we never get closure or pay-back with a sociopath. They are people who we simply need to get past. I prefer to think of it as "He's not good enough for me to care what he thinks any longer."
It's hard because the rumination keeps him ever-present in your memory. That constant thought is Mother Nature doing what she's supposed to do to keep you mated to your loved one. You have brain chemistry that acts like an addiction when you're in love. Oxytocin, dopamine and serotonin keep you focused on the relationship. It's similar to the cravings of an alcoholic, but an alcoholic knows the chemical addiction exists. Lovers generally do not.
You know how you have to convince yourself not to have that chocolate bar when you go on a diet? That's what you need to do when you're exiting from a relationship with a sociopath. You need to keep present in the reality of who they are, and not get fooled by the chemical longing that's going on in your brain.
After a while, it gets easier. The more you do for yourself that puts joy back in your life, the faster you'll get beyond this and onto a more fulfilling and happier existence than you ever could have hoped for with him. You were not in love with him, but with his illusion. He is not the man you thought he was. You need to keep mindful of that.
He is not having a wonderful life with the new woman. He is not capable of bonding. He is simply using her for a new supply of whatever floats his boat. She'll be cast off when he gets what he needs--- unless she's super wealthy or provides for him in some other way.
It's great that you have a therapist. You need to celebrate that you are now free to find meaning in your life.
Wishing you all the best!
Joyce