For as long as I could remember I have always messed with my hair. My mother used to yell at me for me knotting up my hair when I would watch my morning cartoons. I wouldn't realize I would do it until she yelled at me to twist my bangs because it's easier to comb out. My earliest memory is twisting my hair and gripping/tugging it. I liked the slight pain. It felt good to me. Kind of comforting in a sense. As I went into my teenage years I would run my fingers through my hair when I was nervous (usually around boys lol). I remember when it started getting bad. When I was around 16-17 I started pulling usually when I was stressed out. I wouldn't realize that I was doing it until I felt the slight pain. Once I realized I was doing it I wanted to continue doing it more. It truly was comforting to me. I found out about Trich in a health book I was reading in an EMT course. I realized that what I was doing was a disease and it scared me. I got very nervous and every time I pulled I would get upset, feel guilty, but couldn't stop. The more I tried to stop the more I pulled. My parents are not very affectionate nor easy to talk to although I've truly tried to reach out to them. I felt embarrassed by what I was doing but I knew I needed help.

One day on my way home from school I called my Dad and asked him if we could talk. I explained my situation and my concerns and he didn't buy it. I told him that I read it in a book and it's exactly what I do. And it had been going on for years and I'm scared. He cut me off immediately, laughed, and with a very sarcastic voice told me that I shouldn't believe everything I read in books. I was really upset, holding back tears and told him that I really believe there is something wrong and he started yelling at me. His exact words are imprinted in my memory still to this day. He said "No one in this family is crazy. Cut the shit." and pretty much told me that psychiatry is bull. I cried all the way home and vowed that I would never bring it up again. I thought maybe I was in fact being over dramatic.

The years passed on and it continued. I used to pull out from one area on the top of my hair and one spot in the front of my head on the right side, and directly in the front to the point where I would have small bald spots.

I try to stay away from shaping my eye brows because I enjoy the plucking so much that I'd leave them very thin.

I pluck my eyelashes when I wear a lot of mascara as well. If I don't take it off before I lay in my bed (even to watch a movie) I will pull the eyelashes out that feel very thick and clumpy. I try to take it off as soon as I get home now.

I rarely pluck long strands of hair. I will lay here and search for the specific strands I feel comfortable plucking. They usually have to feel course and rigidity. I pluck strands all over my scalp. They are usually no longer than 2 inches long. It might sound crazy but I truly believe that I end up plucking out a lot of the same strands. I don't pluck every day. It's very random for me but when I do I can't stop for a long time until I make sure that all my strands are soft and straight. (I also do not gel my hair anymore bc it makes all my strands feel course and I end up with very small bald spots)

Is it okay that I enjoy doing this? It doesn't affect my appearance. No one ever notices when I do it. I have very thick hair so if I do end up with very small spots no one can tell. The worst part is the random moment where I pluck too much. How can I control my obsession to pluck? Even the word pluck is appealing to me.

I will be honest, I stopped about 10 times to pluck during typing this!!

I apologize for such a long rant. This is actually my first time venting to someone/anyone in complete detail about this condition. And also thank you to anyone who has actually read this. This support group is such a blessing and I look forward to meeting and talking to wonderful people who share my thoughts/fears.

Have a wonderful night!

Much love,
Crystal