Transgender Support Group
This community is here to support and help the large population of transgender people. If you or anyone you know identify as transgender, this is the place to share your feelings and experiences and speak with others who are going through similar things in their lives.
I am a 54 year old man who hates being male and always wished I had been born female, still do! Years of physical, sexual and emotional abuse(7-15) by both females and males, namely, my sister(sexual) and my father & step-mother(physical/emotional)were my abusers as well as others. I have always felt that being gay is the great"Booby "prize-I couldn't be born female(Grand Prize), but as our consellation winner, you get to be gay! I am so tired of fighting, being angry, feeling less than, wanting to die& just get it over with, of watching my friends get on with their lives and be happy as I sulk, full of self-loathing, self-pity and self hatred! My emotions are grossly untrustworthy and i find myself toying with the emotions of both women and men like a cat does with a mouse! I feel crazy, mean-spirited and worthless. I've been isolating alot, not wanting to be around people at all! I feel I'm getting worse, not better! I came out of the closet, just to acquire a "portable" one I can carry with me! I need much help!
please stay strong. and get the help you know deep down will help
Leah x
I've felt the way you do - been clinically depressed most of my life. Once I found there WAS a word for what I was experiencing - transgender - it helped a lot. So has beginning the process of transitioning.
I'm finally beginning to like my body - and myself - as I become more like the man I was meant to be.
Don't give up on yourself - go get the professional help to pull yourself up out of that dark pit you're in right now. NOBODY's worthless!! We'll be here to help too, as long as you'll let us.
It's rough right now, and you probably can't imagine seeing a light at the end of the tunnel; but it's there, waiting for you to find your way to it. Talking to us here has been a step towards it - keep stepping towards it, seek the professional help you need.
People here do care about you. Remember that.
I can tell you from experience that years of abusive treatment at the hands of relatives (authority figures) lead to emotions such as the ones you are having at the moment. It is crazy making, to say the least.
But there is good news as Joe pointed out, it does not have to be that way, through therapy you can have a great life after all. Being transgender is not the curse some people make it out to be, it is just the way you may be, like say, your eye color, but you do need to see a gender specialist to see if that is the case for you.
But meanwhile, you can read a nifty book called, "You can heal your life" by Louise Hay and learn to love and appreciate yourself as you darn well should.
There you'll see that it is not that you are unworthy but the thought life that you've led thus far, brought on by experience and your abusers that shaped the way you see yourself and the world you live in, among other nifty notions that escape you, at the moment.
It was written by a woman who herself had been abused by a relative when she was a child and subsequently cured herself of breast cancer.
There is nothing unworthy about you because, the truth and the matter is that you are God''s child, and nothing God has created is unworthy, not even the pesky fly.
We all are not only worthy but a integral part of the tapestry we call life, we all have a reason to be here, all we need to do is to reclaim the life that was stolen from us by our abusers and you'll see how your life quickly shifts from feeling like a victim to feeling victorious.
So try and get some professional help in the form of therapy, while you wait for it, get the book. do the exercises and you'll see how your life changes.
I say this because I am perhaps, the most stubborn know it all critter, you could ever meet, I was once my father's family professional scapegoat (without the monetary rewards) and it all changed from the book and the right therapist.
As you can see, suffering is optional, there is hope, all you have to do is make a positive step towards it, even if you don't see the point in it, you have nothing to lose. seriously.
Hugs,
Wolf (FTM since 1987)