The Den Community Group
Pull up a chair and put your feet up. Lie down if necessary! :)
My younger cousin, who is turning 18 in three months, was born out of wedlock (not such an anomaly in today's world) and is being raised by his grandmother. His grandmother did a great job raising him. He's smart, hard-working, mannerly, respectful, a football and track star, and has good grades. It seems his mother has recently, and finally, begun to take an interest in him. She has provided financial support all of his life, but he never lived with his mother except during stints when she moved back in with the grandmother. The father is kind of in the picture, but not really.
A group of us in the family (cousins and aunts) want to help finance the young man's college education. He wants to go away to school to get away from the tug-of-war between his mother and grandmother. Everyone agrees that this is a good idea except for the mother and grandmother. The mother wants him to graduate high school and then go to a local college in town while living with her. The young man is dubious about this possibility since she has never taken it upon herself to provide a home for them up to now. (I told you he was smart!) The grandmother, bless her heart, wants him to remain with her while he is in college but she lives a good ways away from any major college. The truth is that she has grown attached to him and has become dependent upon him for daily chores, etc. She recently kicked the mother out of the house and some speculate it is because the GM wants to tighten her bonds with the young man without the mother's interference. She recently told me to stop "encouraging" him to go to college in another city. I have never spoken to him about going to college in town or anywhere else. I did use to read to him when he was in grade school, many years ago.
This has now caused yet another major rift in the family. The young man wants to get out from under both ladies and the rest of us don't want to offend his mother or GM. I want to leave the whole situation alone but all three sides are trying to get me involved on their side. Parents have rights; Grandparents who raise grandchildren should have rights; and the young man is entitled to his own life. What do my friends on the board think?
A group of us in the family (cousins and aunts) want to help finance the young man's college education. He wants to go away to school to get away from the tug-of-war between his mother and grandmother. Everyone agrees that this is a good idea except for the mother and grandmother. The mother wants him to graduate high school and then go to a local college in town while living with her. The young man is dubious about this possibility since she has never taken it upon herself to provide a home for them up to now. (I told you he was smart!) The grandmother, bless her heart, wants him to remain with her while he is in college but she lives a good ways away from any major college. The truth is that she has grown attached to him and has become dependent upon him for daily chores, etc. She recently kicked the mother out of the house and some speculate it is because the GM wants to tighten her bonds with the young man without the mother's interference. She recently told me to stop "encouraging" him to go to college in another city. I have never spoken to him about going to college in town or anywhere else. I did use to read to him when he was in grade school, many years ago.
This has now caused yet another major rift in the family. The young man wants to get out from under both ladies and the rest of us don't want to offend his mother or GM. I want to leave the whole situation alone but all three sides are trying to get me involved on their side. Parents have rights; Grandparents who raise grandchildren should have rights; and the young man is entitled to his own life. What do my friends on the board think?
All the kindness and generosity to him will be a legacy that will live on and not be forgotten....because you will all have made a difference to this young mans life. I hope that whatever field he chooses, he strives to be successful and makes you all proud of his achievements. What a heartwarming gesture from you all. It certainly restores faith in human nature and it says much about you all.
So many of us are supportive of the young people around us, and sometimes they take it for granted. Here is a kid who has the opposite problem. Motivated, appreciative, and only looking for proper guidance. Our group is determined to do what we can. Very best to all --EJ
I applaude your willingness to step on the landmine
AllK
My MIL used to say that you can't put an old head on young shoulders, and I have found that to be true. Still I think that he is trying to leave the nest and should be encouraged. There will be plenty of times when he will want and need their support....they really aren't losing him.
I would tell him by himself cause he deserves undivided attention focus and zero mom and grandmom interaction until he is sure what his options are and where he wants his life to go....
I would tell him he has my undivided support both financially and emotionally no matter what college or degree or place of residence he chooses...I DID THAT WITH A NEPHEW...DH and I even bought him good golf clubs and introduced him to great courses and resort mentality as much business with men is conducted on golf courses especially in the profession he was aiming for so he would have a leg up on the social end also.
He is now married with one child and another on the way...very successful in his profession...bought a house...great father from what I understand...his wife got to quit work to raise the baby...He is 35 years old.
He spent most summers with DH and I cause his mother is an evil sociopathic person...oh and his mother who did not speak much to me was totally okay with all of this cause she could not/would not handle a young male person well
Fast forward to today...he and my evil sister are "family" with the bio father of my ED (whom has had nothing to do with my daughter or any other part of extended family since she was 2 years old that 37 years of no contact from bio dad) and my ED and my grandchildren also. He will not even answer my phone calls or send pics of his child. I managed to pin him once on it after he actually came to town and stayed with my parents (his grandparents) for a week with wife and baby and NEVER CALLED DH AND I...NEVER CAME TO VISIT (only 20 minutes away from grandparents)...his answer to my question why was...I prefer to remember the good times and your ED seems happy so what is your problem?
So....no nephew...no great nephew...no daughter...no granchildren...no sister (thank goodness) and they are all happy with themselves and the 37 year absrnt bio father of my ED.
Wonderful ending for helping both nephew and daughter get Masters degrees and have choices in their lives that my evil sister and bio father could not/would not provide.
Good ole me...the helping hand to all...the truth teller....the choice giver...the supporter ...the go to person...
Shit out of luck as of today .... they all got what they wanted maybe even needed from me and DH and then thrown away like used toilet paper to live out the rest of my life alone and forgotten...not needed...not wanted...not respected...not considered
That is what the landmine looks like 18 years after i helped both.
Sorry it just did not turn out well for me...hope yours is different...best of luck
But do not ever judge me by my words today Epic...that I would not "do" something...truth is I already did it before you did and I did not ask a lot of people what to do...I did it all by myself cause it was the right thing to do or at least I thought so at the time LOL
Wish I had had this forum 18 years ago to get feedback from...I probably would not hve done it.
AllK
I can't imagine that having the mom and grandmom there will allow you to be able say anything constructive or beneficial without their constant and negative rebuttal.... thus further confusing your nephew.
Then I would talk to mom and grandmom (just them) and ask them to PLEASE allow him make his own decisions and choose what is best for him and his future. If they give him his wings...he'll find his way back to them. They'll either understand or they won't... but it's the right thing to do.
This is obviously gnawing at you. Aside from the stress you are feeling... I see you as having great caring about this young man. How lucky he is to have you on his side.
Tell the truth. It is what it is. Truth is ALWAYS best. These two women are making you dance the "should I or shouldn't I" dance. Stop the dance. Tell the truth. Life will always take care of the rest. We don't get to write the script for how people react. That's on them.
This is a tough one but no one said the right thing to do would ever be the easiest thing to do... huh?
Like I said... that's just me. Whatever you choose to do, we're here to support you!
Reminds me of the great Plato when he was asked about the character of Socrates, an even greater person in the minds of many. Plato replied that Socrates was "the most honest man I have ever known - but in the end, they killed him for it." Which of course was true. Socrates went from village to village extolling the virtues of truth and morality. He also didn't hesitate to point out the hypocrisy and unfairnesses that people engaged in, and he was reportedly offered tea laced with hemlock. I ain't interested in being Socrates.
That depends of course on the situation and this one IMHO nice as you are it really isn't your business. This is not life threatening and really has no real moral implications.
One question are you really not putting your value judgements in here? Do you really go farther graduating from duke or Harvard without connections or extra real world learning experiences in this economic environment the answer is no from what we have seen in the last 4 years.
As they say...Humpty Dumpty had a great fall and now we cant put him back together at all...or something like that.
I am sure that I will end up someday with the hemlock laced tea...truthtellers always do...........
AllK
Another one I wrestle with is what is truth? How do we recognize it? most of us didn't see our estrangement coming and we believed we knew the true nature of our kids. I for one have come to realise how little certainty there is to recognize or understand anything fully.