The Den Community Group
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My younger cousin, who is turning 18 in three months, was born out of wedlock (not such an anomaly in today's world) and is being raised by his grandmother. His grandmother did a great job raising him. He's smart, hard-working, mannerly, respectful, a football and track star, and has good grades. It seems his mother has recently, and finally, begun to take an interest in him. She has provided financial support all of his life, but he never lived with his mother except during stints when she moved back in with the grandmother. The father is kind of in the picture, but not really.
A group of us in the family (cousins and aunts) want to help finance the young man's college education. He wants to go away to school to get away from the tug-of-war between his mother and grandmother. Everyone agrees that this is a good idea except for the mother and grandmother. The mother wants him to graduate high school and then go to a local college in town while living with her. The young man is dubious about this possibility since she has never taken it upon herself to provide a home for them up to now. (I told you he was smart!) The grandmother, bless her heart, wants him to remain with her while he is in college but she lives a good ways away from any major college. The truth is that she has grown attached to him and has become dependent upon him for daily chores, etc. She recently kicked the mother out of the house and some speculate it is because the GM wants to tighten her bonds with the young man without the mother's interference. She recently told me to stop "encouraging" him to go to college in another city. I have never spoken to him about going to college in town or anywhere else. I did use to read to him when he was in grade school, many years ago.
This has now caused yet another major rift in the family. The young man wants to get out from under both ladies and the rest of us don't want to offend his mother or GM. I want to leave the whole situation alone but all three sides are trying to get me involved on their side. Parents have rights; Grandparents who raise grandchildren should have rights; and the young man is entitled to his own life. What do my friends on the board think?
A group of us in the family (cousins and aunts) want to help finance the young man's college education. He wants to go away to school to get away from the tug-of-war between his mother and grandmother. Everyone agrees that this is a good idea except for the mother and grandmother. The mother wants him to graduate high school and then go to a local college in town while living with her. The young man is dubious about this possibility since she has never taken it upon herself to provide a home for them up to now. (I told you he was smart!) The grandmother, bless her heart, wants him to remain with her while he is in college but she lives a good ways away from any major college. The truth is that she has grown attached to him and has become dependent upon him for daily chores, etc. She recently kicked the mother out of the house and some speculate it is because the GM wants to tighten her bonds with the young man without the mother's interference. She recently told me to stop "encouraging" him to go to college in another city. I have never spoken to him about going to college in town or anywhere else. I did use to read to him when he was in grade school, many years ago.
This has now caused yet another major rift in the family. The young man wants to get out from under both ladies and the rest of us don't want to offend his mother or GM. I want to leave the whole situation alone but all three sides are trying to get me involved on their side. Parents have rights; Grandparents who raise grandchildren should have rights; and the young man is entitled to his own life. What do my friends on the board think?
Are there conditions attached to him accepting the cousins and aunts paying for his college tuition? If not the decision should really, I feel, be his. It seems no matter what option he decides to take, someone is not going to like it. Difficult situation...sorry I can't be of more help. Good luck...
And yes, there sort-of-are strings attached to the college financing. They (we) want to encourage him to go to a good school, not a party school, or expensive private school. But we don't feel comfortable discussing his plans with him. I did send his mother some information about great, public schools he could attend but since they are out-of-town, I doubt she gave it to him.
It's wishful thinking but I wish they would put his interests before theirs. This is a critical time in his life.
The point is my DD did not want him to leave but she did see his potential and determination and did not want to hold him back. His dad on the other hand tried to tell him he could not accomplish what he wanted to become, so he got away from him. He told him he would not help pay for anything. We help him if he needs it, and DD and her DH help him through college. This is a sticky situation for you I know, I feel maybe you should fill the others in to his potential and let them know they are only holding him back. He needs to be allowed to make his own choice without anyone holding him back, the possibilities for him are endless, good luck.
By the way, FSU is my fave school. They may party but they have excellent programs and they also have the 'Noles! lol. I have been following them since Bobby Bowden days. Best of luck to you and family --EJ
He's going to need to find a way to balance the issues between his mom and GM. I'd stay out of it as much as I could and give him that chance. He might surprise all of you.
Financially helping to launch him sounds great and wonderful of all of you.
Epic... you said "If I had it to do over at 18, and the family was willing to fund my tuition at the best universities in the state, I would take it". Does he know going away to school with the help of the family is an option for him?? If he doesn't... he should.
At 18, most all of us "thought" we knew what we wanted but found out later in life that we would have/should have made other choices. Hindsight... huh?
Maybe you could just council him on his options so he has at least some form of grounded information in order to make his own decision. It seems that maybe the only guidance he's getting is the emotional push/pull of his mother and grandmother. Decisions based on emotions are rarely the right ones. Maybe you could be the one to clear the emotional fog and help him see his choices clearly?? Then let him make his own decision.
He needs to see that whatever his choice is... it should be the best choice for HIM and his future. That is what it's all about isn't it??
I think all American kids should be encouraged to get their education. Our entire society needs them to succeed, and we should support them as much as possible.
We all have been caught between the rock and the proverbial hard place. I've just always believed that doing the right thing is always more important than coddling egos or insecurities. If the mother and grandmother have a problem with him being informed of his options... then that is THEIR problem.... not his or yours.
Let them own it.
Whatever you decide to do... I'm sure you will do what you think is best. In situations like this, someone is going to end up upset. It shouldn't be you.
The mom and grandmom are good people but their relationship is at a flashpoint over this, an estrangement-level flashpoint. The mom says the GM is interfering in her relationship with her son. The GM says the mom is a johnny-come-lately. In my view, neither are focusing on what's best for Brandon. You all have encouraged me to do what I know is the right thing to do. So they won't think I am trying to be sneaky or to undermine them, I will take them all out to dinner and have some materials for Brandon to read. I will just say I think he should go to the best school he can get into and he can always change his major if he finds something that interests him after the first year. I will also tell him that its hard to get a job in liberal arts fields, and he would have much better job prospects in the math, science, and information technology fields. But whatever, he chooses, we will all help him pay his tuition.
The mom and grandmom may end up hating me for giving him this information but actually, they will benefit since he is the type to care for his mother and grandmother when he gets a good job. I will soft-pedal the whole thing and just hand him the papers if they seem resentful. Is this how estrangements start?
It seems that the mom and grandmom have lost sight of what is in HIS best interest. If you could only get them to realize this is about what is best for him and his future.... and in the long run... that would be best for them too!
Again I say... if they have a problem with you giving him this information or with caring immensely about HIS future, this is THEIR problem. Not yours.. or his. Let them own it. All you've done is care about this young man. There is no shame in that whatsoever.... only honor and respect. Don't let them turn it into anything else.
Wishing you the best outcome possible!