so sorry to hear of the loss of your son. My heart goes out to you. My daughter passed away July 12, 2010, (also while nursing) she was 25 days old. and since then my husband and I have gone threw just about every emoition possible at least a million times. I can tell you just a small couple of things that might help. Allow yourself to cry, scream, or just plain stare at a wall for an hour if you need to. Lean on the people around you that just let you cry or get it all out. Ignore people's stupid comments, they are probably coming from a good place, just come out wrong. I found a little bit of help from a therapist, but more from this web site, mostly just knowing that there were others out there that knew what I am going threw and don't expect me to be doing anything but grieving. The nightmare & shock effect will take months to ease up, but eventually you will be able to breath again without the sharp unbelievalbe pain that fills you. Don't push yourself to do things that you are just not comfortable doing yet, example: putting his things away, watching videos, looking at pictures, or other things like going to family functions or parties. I have learned the hard way that by pushing yourself forward you are only throwing yourself backwards. One thing that really has helped is doing things to keep my Taylor's memory alive. My mother, mother in law, and step mother and I all got together around x-mas time and donated 50+ "A book and a blanket for a baby" gift packages to a local womens shelter in her name. Just remember that this is your baby and your time to grieve, there is no right way and no wrong way, just your way, and don't let anyone tell you any diffrent. My prayers are with you. hugs!

I'm so sorry about the loss of your dear son. My little guy passed away on November 11th. We are also still waiting for the autopsy. I don't have any advice, but just wanted to say I know what you are going through and am so sorry.

I am so sorry for your loss. My daughter Anna passed away in August she was 5 months and 1 day old. I too have not yet had back post mortem results. The first month is a total blur to me looking back now, I was in a constant zombie like state and spent my time either crying or feeling totally detatched from myself that I couldn't feel anything. It is a long journey. The pain is always there like a lead weight in my heart but you do slowly manage to take on more and more of lifes little tasks. You just need to be easy on yourself and do what you need to do to get through the hours and days. Thinking of you and your son. x

i'm so so so sorry for your loss. i lost my 4.5 mo old son, Julius, during his afternoon nap while at daycare, so our situations are a bit different. but the pain is still intensely the same. advice? the only advice i have is to allow yourself the room to grieve how you want when you want where you want. ignore what people say (everyone seems to think they know what is best). do what feels right for you. i'm still in a state of shock 4 mo out. i still can't believe he's gone. and it makes me sick to my stomach that you also have to feel this pain.

when you are ready, and if it would help you, i would recommend some type of support group either for SIDS or bereaved parents. i have found some healing in sharing my story with others who have lost children. and i have also started to SIDS group to reach out to SIDS/SUID/SUDC families. when you are ready of course, check it out http://juliusluciano.blogspot.com.

please know that we are all here to help you and walk with you on your journey. we know the pain you are feeling. sending you my love and strength...

I don't have anything great to add or any cures to your feelings although I wish I did. My second born passed away at 12 days old in his sleep last May. I am now pregnant and due with my first rainbow baby 2 days before my angels 1st birthday. I can tell you it gets easier and you will make it through the pain. If you ever need to talk please let me know. My yahoo IM is waco_weeping_willow86 I am damn near always logged on and I am here to listen if you ever need it. Please take advantage of the women and men on this group while talking to them may not make everything better it will at least make you feel less crazy knowing your not the only one that feels that way.

I wish you luck and we are all sending positive energy your way.

Willow

Thank you all for you support. I hate knowing others are going thru this too but I feel better knowing others can relate. I know the initial autopsy results showed he had some fluid in the lungs, but not enough to cause death, and a cyst on the brain. They did rule out accidental suffication which makes me feel better because I fell asleep nursing him when he past.... I guess atleast he was in his favorate place that comforted him the most. But I have a ot of feelings of guilt like maybe there is something I could have done to prevent it and he would still be with me now. He was a preemie so some people say he came early just to spend a bit more time with mommy and daddy. Im blessed to have spent 4mons and 25 days with him and wouldnt take away for anything....the heartache is worth that time I had. Somedays are better then others.... but I have no motivation to do anything.

My husband has turned into a workaholic...maybe his way of coping and wants to try for another child right away. I have very mixed feeling on that. It wont bring or replace Elijah but maybe would bring some relief... IDK... I think I would just be a wreck.... How are you handeling that willow? I have ttwo other boys who are also taking this hard and my four year old just doesnt understand. He just wants his brother back. We were planning on trying for another when Elijah was 6mos but now thing have changed and Im so emotionally unstable I cant imagin adding more to the mix. IDK...Im just rambeling.... sorry and thank you all again for the support.

So sorry about the loss of your son. My son, Luke, passed away October 22nd in his sleep - he was five months 20 days old. There is a lot of comfort in knowing how many of us are living with this tragic loss and this support group offers lots advice from those going through a lot of the same things / emotions you are. We are all here for you. Hugs.

Hi, elijah4 .. I'm Willow's partner and father of both Deacon and our rainbow baby. I've also lost one other little one to anencephaly. I'll not try to be consoling as the rest of the ladies on here seem to be doing well with that and you seem to have good support there at home. I would, however, like to offer my support to your husband if he feels he'd like some guidance through this difficult time. It's very hard to us fellas because we just want you all better and smiling again. Sometimes the easiest way to deal is to not be as present as we once were when we're needed most. I know I had to fight that. It's just easier for us to feel like we're out being the best providers we can and not have to actually face the constant looks of hurt. Assure him, however, that it does get better and, again, feel free to have him contact me at any time.

I'm so sorry to hear of you losing your son. I lost my son on August 28th, 2010. He was 1 month 1 day old, our stories are different however I understand your feeling of pain, and sadness. I can't tell you that it's ever going to go away, but it will lessen. I've found that i'm able to slowly live again, and go through some of my "normal' actions. But when I look back at the past 6 months they seem like a blur. Like I was just doing the actions, and that reality is slowing setting in.
I understand about wanting to know what happened, we just received our autopsy 2 weeks ago, and it took us this long. It was hard, because I didn't know what I had done. And now that we know, I can honestly say that I feel like i'm back to square 1.
Should you ever want to talk, these ladies and guys are always here. Without them I truly don't know what I would have done. I've found them on Facebook (i've got a link on my page here) and have been able to be even closer with them. It's nice to know that there is someone out there that totally understand when I'm angry, or upset.
Big hugs, and if you ever need to talk, just say the word.

I'm am so sorry for your loss. My son Ausitn died on May 26, 2009. He was 5 months 1 day old. He was getting over a cold when he died, but like your son, he was doing much better. He was on an antibiotic for an ear infection as well, but he never even seemed like he felt bad. I wish there was something I could do to take away the pain you are feeling. I am coming up on 2 years since Austin died, and there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about him at least a dozen times. But I can tell you that the pain does eventually subside. Of course I still miss him, and some does are better than others, but it has become something I've learned to live with.... a part of my life that is now my new normal. Hugs and prayers to you!

I am very sorry. I don't have any words of advice. I don't claim to be an expert on grief or child loss or even sadness. We (my husband, mother, son, and I) just take things day by day and do the best we can.

We lost our Toby on August 21st. He was 6 weeks old. I have PTSD and had gone to bed early that night because I had been up with him all week. I was suffering from extreme panic attacks and my husband gave me the night off. He said he would watch him during the night. When I got up the next morning, I was surprised at how quiet the house was. Since everyone was still asleep, however, I took the opportunity to take a shower and get dressed. When I went in the guestroom to relieve my husband, however, I found him asleep and our son gone. He had been gone for a couple of hours.

We don't have our autopsy report back either. it's really hard not knowing. Even "SIDS" would be some kind of answer. I don't think grief ever really goes away. I think it changes over time and we learn to deal with it in different ways. In many ways, I feel sadder now than I did 6 months ago. In the beginning it was sharp and painful. Now it's a dull ache but that doesn't mean that it hurts less.

Be easy on yourself and give yourself some time. I am very sorry.

Does anyone know how ong it takes to start getting some answers. I know it hasnt even been a month but I really feel I need something. The investigator told me it can take 6mos to a year for all test to be done. That is just too long. Can I call and get test results as they come in? If so who do I call, our dr, the hospital, ????

I called the coronor's office about two days after Lucas died and they said it would be 6-8 weeks for results of toxicology tests to come back and they could not make a determination until then. I called them after 5 weeks and they had the results. They said that the cause of death was "Undetermined" and then she told me SIDS. So, basically he died for no reason at all. I hope that someone can solve this mystery so this can stop happening to our babies. With all that they can do with medicine it's so hard to believe that they can't figure this out.

Elijah4- how quickly you are going to get results seems to have a lot to do with what state you are in. I am in Oregon and I got the result in about 7 weeks. I was in contact with the detective assigned to the case and he helped answer some questions and gave me contact info. to speak with others. He was there during the autopsy and told me the ME said it looked like it would be SIDS (or in Oregon it goes under unexpected infant death) pending the toxicology report, this was the day after he passed away. Before I got the offical report I had already spoken with Medical Examiner. I did this when she got the toxicology report, but before the official autopsy report was done. Like many, Luke was found to be a "healthy baby boy". I believe the best place to start with getting early answers will be speaking with the medical examiner to at least get an idea of what they found in the physical autopsy and what they are testing for with the other tests. I wish I would of asked more questions to begin with - people for the most part go out of their way to help you. This is so hard and waiting for the "offical" report is added uncertanity. I am sorry you have to go through this.

The coroner told us that day that it would probably be SIDS. In Kentucky, though, in cases of infant death the infant has to be sent to the capital where an autopsy is performed. I was told that it could be several months. When the coroner came out to the house to do the investigation he talked to my husband for about 2 hours. My husband was all but confessing to murder, convinced that it was his fault that our son had died since they had been in the same bed. The coroner was very, VERY nice to him and called the next day to let my husband know that suffocation had been ruled out.

Our death certificate still says "pending" and after 6 months we still have no answers. I did talk to the funeral home the other day though and the director said that the state board had contacted him and said that the reason that the autopsy hadn't been released was because they didn't have Toby's social security number. You think someone would have called us, right? He said they only contacted him about 2 weeks ago so they must have just gotten t finished. We hope to have a copy of it in a few days.