http://losinglucyandfindinghope.com/2014/04/25/what-i-thought-grief-would-look-like/

This is a chart that another mother drew to try and explain to those in non baby loss world what our grief looks like..i think she nailed it!

Celian, that is it exactly. It sums up how I'm coping with this perfectly.

I've felt the same way about the snow and the holiday season. The chart that the mom of Lucy created is so accurate too, thanks for sharing all of this. I've been silently struggling quite a bit lately.

This was a great way to sum up how I feel. It's been two months and people around me still can't believe I am crying and mourning the loss of my daughter. At times, I put on a happy face and tell people I am fine to get through the day and when I get home, I let it out and cry. I was feeling so alone.

PrincessEvelyn - I can't believe that people would expect you not to be crying after only 2 months. It has been 10 months for me and I still cry everyday

Mother of Malaysia, I am so sorry for your loss. I guess you can call it ignorance that people who have not experienced what we have, can be expected to understand what we are going through. I cried on Thanksgiving and my in-laws could not understand why I was still crying. It had only been a month. They wanted me to be thankful for what I had in front of me. They could not understand that I felt nothing to be thankful for when I am grieving the loss of my baby. I hope that one day, we can all somehow heal our hearts.

How do you stop grieving what could have been? That's all I can think about. My daughter is so sad, all she can think about is how her brother will never see the Christmas lights, or have presents under the tree, or believe in Santa.. it comes over her in waves too and her grief breaks my heart even more. She asked me when we will feel happy again when her brother will never get to do all the things we are. I tell her he knows us, that he's in heaven watching us and experiencing it with us, and that it's ok to feel happy especially at Christmas time, and it's ok to feel sad too. She is trying to manage her feelings and I'm trying to be her rock, but quite frankly I don't want to celebrate Christmas, I have no interest in small talk and sitting in a room with everyone pretending like it's all ok. I tried today when we celebrated Christmas with my dads family, and my daughter was happy to open presents, but she was also sad, and so was I, and it's so hard to stop thinking - our Eli will never get to do any of this, we will never have a first Christmas, we won't have the cute Santa picture, we will never have those memories and now all we can do is think about what should have been. I'm just so void, so empty, I've had loved ones pass away, but this is different, my baby was a part of me, and even at 24 weeks he was so perfect. I read every week what was forming and developing but I never had any idea how perfect they look already. His skin wasn't clear or see through, his veins weren't showing, he was perfect, but he couldn't make it. I avoid sleep because the second I try to go to bed I end up like this, crying thinking about what could and should have been. When will this horrid feeling ever subside? I don't know there will ever be a time I don't think of what could have been... I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel sort of speak, I only see my nights filled with profound sadness and mourning of what could have been. Maybe some moms that have had more time to process can say if time really helps heal- because right now it seems so hopeless.

Mommy Zinger. I too was 24 weeks when i lost my Evelyn. She was also a perfect angel.i hate to say it too but i can't stand Christmas right now. I can't stand the fact that others around me are happy and can celebrate. The one gift i wanted the most this Christmas was taken from me. Christmas will never be the same for me. Others celebrate while I gtieve. Mommy Zinger, I hope we both can get through this. Sending you tons of love, faith, strength and hope.

Dear Zinger and Princessevelyn, I'm so sorry for your losses. I too was 24 weeks when I lost my little girl Jane, 12 years ago, 24 weeks and 5 days to be exact. I know all to well how much pain you are both in right now, my baby was due nov 24th 2002 but she arrived Aug 9th instead. Reading your posts brings it all back to me, that first Xmas without her was so difficult, I should have had a beautiful baby in my arms, instead I had empty arms and a broken heart full of despair, and anger and bitterness, I was definitely in a terrible state. I remember how bizarre Xmas was that year with everyone pretending things were fine and me in a corner feeling like I was drowning in grief. As far as time healing, it does, you don't get over the loss but you learn to live with it and it becomes part of who you are. You will feel happiness again, you will enjoy life again but it does take time. Some days you'll feel like you're making progress and then you'll slide back into grief again, for me I went back and forth, back and forth and then back again. It's a total roller coaster, but with time things will get better, it probably doesn't feel like it right now, but it will. Your losses are so recent, you're perfectly entitled to feel the way you do, it's so hard to feel a little bit of happiness, let alone 'celebrate' Xmas when you're hearts are aching for your precious babies. Zinger I'm so sorry that your daughter has had to experience this with you, Jane was my first baby, but I have had more children since, I just can't imagine how hard it must be to try and help a 9 year old through her grief the way you are, it sounds like you're doing a great job. No mother should ever have to experience the pain of losing a child nor should they have to experience the pain of watching their young child grieve for their sibling. Best wishes to you Zinger and your daughter, and also to you Princessevelyn (I love that name, Evelyn)

Thank you. As Christmas is getting closer it's becoming even harder. I was just crying at night, but now during the day waves of sadness are overcoming me. Other times it's pure anger. I'm short and irritable with others. And watching my daughter suffer breaks my heart even more. She told me the night her brother was born she was so excited and happy. She was telling her grandmother all the things she was going to do with him. She did not understand that this was a bad thing she could only be excited for the baby. Finally they told her the baby died. I can't imagine how she felt after being so excited to hear those words. She's in so much pain, as am I. She just keeps asking why one of them couldn't make it. This started out as a twin pregnancy and I lost one at 10 weeks then one at 23 1/2 weeks. There is no answer. All I can do is sit and think about what could have been. Think about what should have been. And the sadness and the anger won't go away. So thank you for your words. It gives me hope that one day it will be okay, because right now it most certainly feels like nothing will ever be okay again.

Thank you Fuzzypeach Mommy. Your words are full of encouragement. I can only imagine myself 12 years from now. I can imagine it still being difficult to cope but your words were encouraging. I am so happy for you that you were able to have children after your loss. My heart aches for your loss as well. I am waiting for time to help me heal but the process of getting there is unbearable. What's worse for me is that I am so ready to be a mommy again but my husband does not feel the same so it's like a double heartache for me. I don't want to go on and accept that I can never be a mommy again. I just can't believe that it only comes down to just one decision and he has the right of way. It's not fair. After six years, I don't want to feel any regrets. I guess besides healing myself, I have a lot to think about and where I feel I need to be. Do I heal and accept the fact that I will never be a mommy again because I have to respect my husband's decision or do I heal and move on by myself.

Oh princessevelyn it breaks my heart that you might not get a chance again. Maybe all that's needed for your husband as well is time. I've never advocated sitting around waiting and hoping for somebody to change their mind but I think our situations are so extreme that it's really all we can do. Just wait until some time has passed and provided some form of relief and then maybe you guys can talk about it again.

Fuzzypeach, I wish the pain could go away faster because each day it seems like it's just getting worse. I know I will never have another chance at being a mommy again. Life is not fair.

Princessevelyn, my heart goes out to you, truly it does, I can feel your pain. For me, the first few months after my baby was born were unbearable and yes, often it felt like it was getting worse rather than better. At the time the grieving process felt like an eternity, I went to a councillor a few times, she told me that the average grieving time for a mother who has lost a child is double the time people grieve for other very close relatives. I know that sounds clinical but I thought it was an interesting piece of information. Of course,mothers of angel babies already know this. My problem with counseling was that I found it hard to open up. I was fortunate in that my husband wanted to TTC as soon as I did. That really helped me but I don't know what I would have done if he'd said no. Did you're husband say definitely no or does he just want to wait a while? This whole experience is so different for the dad's, I remember resenting the fact that my husband was able to function soon after our daughters birth while I was in a heap. I couldn't understand how he could go on about his life, doing what he needed to do while I didn't even want to wake up in the morning, I just ached for that little girl. That pain was the most excruciating feeling. That said, it's different for all of us , just keep saying to yourself that it will get better, because it will. I only joined this group recently and what I have discovered is that my feelings were very normal after Jane died, I thought at the time that there was something odd about me, that I was grieving too much, people didn't seem to put the same value on my child's life that I did in fact some people didn't seem to have even considered her a child. This infuriated me but it also made me clam up, I think I may have processed my feelings differently had I had access to a support group like this, I think voicing yor feelings is a very healthy thing. I'm not sure what to say about your husband not wanting to try again, I know some other ladies in this group said they tried counseling with their partner, and it helped. Maybe he just doesn't understand how much you need to have another baby, at a time like this it can be hard to communicate your feelings cause the grief clouds our thoughts and judgement. I'm thinking of you. Best wishes.

Mommy Fuzzypeach9. I can't believe it's been 12 years for you. You are a strong woman and mommy. I want and need to be strong as well. Only time will help me heal.