I feel you Martha. I have those thoughts too. Shortly after we lost our first and only child Erin (almost 6 months ago) I told my husband that if in the future he ever has to make a choice between saving my life and saving our child's life I want him to let me die. I would rather die than go through this again. I would have died in the hospital giving birth if it meant she could have lived. I would gladly die now if it meant she could live. But our deaths would only bring even more grief, heartbreak, and anguish to our loved ones who have also lost this precious child of ours. Our deaths would not bring back our babies. To be perfectly honest the only thing keeping me alive now is knowing the heartbreak my death would cause, and also the hope that in the future I will give Erin a sibling, maybe two. I got pregnant with Erin the day after my niece scarlet was born. Erin was born sleeping the day scarlet turned 9 months old. I did not go to her 1 year birthday party in July, i do not join my family when they go to visit my sister and brother in law. Scarlet is a constant reminder of what I lost. She is my only niece and it hurts me that I can't be in her life right now. My sister and her husband are trying for #2 so there will probably be a pregnancy announcement soon, which will only make me distance myself further. What a horrible, terrible thing we are going through. Some of the most undeserving people become parents to multiple children, do they even know what they have? I wish much peace and strength for us all.

Erin's mommy, Sara

Thanks Sara,
Day by day I ask... why am I still here?....why do i have yo suffer day by day by not having Eli here.... I wish with all my heart to be with him. It seems like everybody is getting pregnant around me....cousins aunties....friends... and here i am without my son and unable to conceive as I have tried 3xs. I gave up trying this yr. Since its being extremely mentally exhausting..... I wish we all were here in other circumstances

I feel the same way most of the time. Thank you for being brave enough to admit it. I think a lot of people feel this way but are afraid to talk about it b/c they don't want people to worry about them. The way I understand it is that there are passive vs. active thoughts of suicide. Passive thoughts are most likely what you and I are having. We want to die b/c living seems pointless and too sad, but we will never actually kill ourselves. Active is when you make a plan and intend on carrying it out. I think under the circumstances that passive suicidal thoughts are normal. Why would anyone want to live in a world where they have seen what we've seen - our babies, our flesh and blood, dead before they ever had a chance to live. It's too much. Last week all I could think about was wanting to die - 24/7. But at the moment I am not having these thoughts as intensely. So my guess is that they come and go and, hopefully, get weaker over time as we get stronger. I also would like to be pregnant again but have not been so lucky. It's all very very sad. I am just holding my breath and waiting for time to ease the pain.

Exactly how i feel. Exactly. Deeply disappointed every morning that I wake up to discover that I am still alive, and will be forced to go through another day, pretending to look normal on the outside, when infact I wish I was dead on the inside. This feels like a terrible life sentence. I am typing this at 2 am in the morning, I am too sad to sleep. No one should go through this, no matter how bad of a person they may be, its too much!

On February 12, 2014 I went into labor and found out that my baby girl passed away. I was 38 weeks pregnant. It was the worst day of my life. I have suffered from depression since I was a child. When I was 16 I told myself that if I was not happy by the time I was 25 I would end my life. However, I thought God had other plans for me. I married my husband after being engaged for 4 years and I became pregnant with my daughter. My husband and I had been trying to conceive and so we were overjoyed to find out that we were having her. I was FINALLY happy. Twenty five was the year that I was to begin my life not end it. I thought God was finally saving me from my misery. Then my daughter died and I felt tricked by God. Turns out that I was not meant to be happy. In the darkness is where I am supposed to live. I am struggling with how to survive the loss of my daughter. She was the one thing that brought joy and hope to my life and I don't want to live without her. I am ready to die but I feel like I can not leave my husband behind. He has already gone through the pain of losing is daughter. How could I take his wife from him too?

(I posted this in April on the depression support group because I thought that it was to dark of a subject to talk about on the stillbirth support group but now I know that I am not the only one that is wondering how can i live when my precious baby is dead)

It is hard to wake up every morning.... first thoughts in my head....my baby boy is not here.... and I am still here....how can that be. I had to ask my husband if he felt like he should be dead....and he said no. I told him that i really feel like i should be dead... so that i can be with my son.... he felt concerned right away.... i would never end my life. I do tell myself that i am here for a reason.... even if i am going througg this misery. Life is so unfair.It sure is the worst torture a mother can go through..... my heart aches for not having my son with me and knowing that i would never get to touch him, kiss him.. .hug him..... celebrate him...... until posibbly our next life time. I just wish this was a nightmare... i wish i could wake up and have my baby bump again and enjoy my baby tiny little feet. I wish i could to wake up craving M&Ms at 2am.....like used to when Eli was in my womb...... :'(

Yes, I feel that way right now. Lost my Fiona a little over a month ago. The days have been a little better here and there, but right now I feel like it would be much easier to no longer be.

Yep. Me too. It's been 7 months and I'm back to Hell. So many things are coming up that Lochlan should be part of. My birthday is next week. He should be here! I want to SCREAM! Sometimes I do. Next will be Halloween then a family reunion. I was pregnant at last year's. Some of the extended family don't even know. I am going to have to explain. Make people uncomfortable. Then there's Thanksgiving. What a joke! Christmas will be torture. Anyone else wondering ifyou should get a "baby's 1st" ornament for the tree?

I have seasonal depression anyway. This is especially horrible. I am finally seeking some grief counseling though. So glad you brought this topic to light. I honestly thought I was just going crazy! Its good to know these feelings are normal and all of us wish we were dead

Oh with holidays coming uo it's insane... I already told my family not to expect me to be in the holiday reunion. What am i going to be thankful for this year?.... I know chriatmas is aboit celebrating Jesus birth...but for children is all about thr presents... there will be no present to wrap for my son. And yes I am planning to have one small tree for my little peanut.... my husband and I were planning to have he best xmas of our lives but Eli was taken away so sooon..... at first i thought i was going crazy.... i really did loved my life....and loved even more when I found out i was pregnant...... I remember October 14,2013 @ 2pm.... i did my pregnancy test..... Never knowing that i will loose my son Eli. And now i found out that October 15 is Worldwide Miscarriage/infant loss/ stillbirth awareness day :0(

I remember feeling like that. Sometimes when it gets bad I still feel that way. It took me a long time to see, (for me), it was a part of PTSD called survivors guilt. I didn't want to be happy, I didn't feel like I deserved to live or smile or laugh or anything. I spent days in bed in the dark and cut off all my friends and stopped enjoying anything in my life. You should really find a therapist you trust and talk about it, or maybe look into support groups for baby loss in your area. You don't want to wait years like I did, I put on a LOT of weight and lost a lot in my life because I couldn't ask for help, don't make the same mistake I did please.

I agree with Sophia's Mom. You should really consider therapy. I'm seeing a psychologist every two weeks and it helps a lot. Sometimes just being able to say things out loud without being judged is the best medicine. It's also nice to have an objective party put some things into perspective.

Thank you ladies... definitely thinking about seeking extra help.... i feel horrible..... sometimes when i am driving i get all this crazy thoughs in my head.... i have being crying sooooo much.... work keeps me busy but once i am alone.... i feel horrible....

if this was my first child I might be suicidal. I have 2 kids but I have urges to hurt my self to make the pain go away. I keep on asking my self why me. why couldn't he take me instead. that baby didn't do anything wrong and yet her life was taken before she could see this beautiful world.

even though I have kids I feel your pain. I have the same thoughts but wishing I could trade lifes

Same here.... i lived life.... he was just starting :'(