Stillbirth Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have been impacted by a stillbirth. A stillbirth occurs when a fetus which has died in the uterus, during labor, or during delivery exits a woman's body. For help and support, share your experiences and learn how others coped. Don't forget that you are not alone.
Hello everyone,
I'm new here, and I've been looking for a good place to meet others who can understand the pain and emptiness that I feel inside and I stumbled across this platform while I was searching for answers online about the look of my baby's face when she was born. I'll try not to make this long as I know no one may want to read a lengthy mini-novel about my story. However, I recently lost my firstborn. Discovered she was an angel baby on Thursday, October 12th at what was "supposed" to be my routine OBGYN appointment and gave birth to her on the evening of Friday, October 13th. I was 28 weeks 1 day. I beat myself up because my conscience told me that something was wrong but I ignored them. I'd made a special trip to the doctor's office on the morning of October 6th and the nurse that checked my baby's heartbeat advised that everything was fine, and so I left the office feeling confident that my baby was fine and I had nothing to worry about, I noticed that I wasn't feeling her move much after eating still after that day... but still... I'd thought nothing of it, and I should have. I wasn't actively counting her kicks and I should have been. To me the excuse of an unknowing first-time mom is irrelevant. I hurt every day without her because I didn't act on my intuitions. Every day subsequent to the loss of my firstborn baby girl has been meaningless and devastating. All I can think of is how I'm going to handle the upcoming months that I was "supposed" to spend pregnant and working. God had other plans; I can't say that I agree with those plans still but I'm try to trust His ultimate plan in the process of grieving someone He only let me borrow for such an itty-bitty amount of time. For someone that I love so immensely, and had the built up excitement of meeting and raising into a respectable human being. Anyhow, each day seems unchanged overall. Some days feel easier, other days are as hard as the day that I was told she didn't have a heartbeat and that I'd only get to hold my baby but once and then be forced to say goodbye to the little vibrant spirit I'd gotten to know though my womb forever. It cut deeply and I don't think the pain of losing her will ever end. The tears may lessen but the ache of her not being here when she "should" have been is nagging and prolonged. The only good thing that came out of losing my sweet baby girl was that her father and I are back on speaking terms, and that's something I wanted so we could be a family but I didn't want to earn it this way...
Nevertheless, if there's anyone here that I could chitchat with, or anyone that could at least answer my question with a plausible explanation of why my baby's face was unsually darkened after I gave birth to her? Was it because she was possibly deceased inside me for approximately a week? Was it something else? Such as the way in which she died?
* I miss you baby girl. Mommy loves you so much and mommy hopes that one day you and I will meet again. *
Thank you for your comforting words. However, I find it hard to believe that my friends simply don’t have the right things come to them on what to say. The least they could do is check in. They’re not even doing that. So much for a friendship. I’m constantly hoping that I don’t feel this amount of pain in remembrance of my little girl if I’m ever able to try for another baby, and I’m wondering when I should try for another child. I’m gravely afraid of the odds that this is to happen again, or worse, that I’m not able to try again and that I’m forced to live on with my only chance at being a mother being taken from me. I don’t know… my mind has been every which way but up.
In your comment to nholden, I found that one night my baby girl was having a very active night… thinking of the possibility that she was fighting for her last breath rips me apart and I don’t know if I can bear holding onto that thought so I’ll probably just try to forget it. You are strong InMemoryOfDylan and whether or not you care to know this, you and everyone else that have commented and shared stories with me have been the brightness in my gloomy, gloomy days; even if not for but a second. I thank you all.
I try to cope with my pain by blocking it out now, I haven’t looked at my baby girl’s memory box in over a week. Every morning I wake up, cry and try to slap on a smile for my family for the remainder of the day but I still feel as empty as the faux grin I’m painting on.
I, too, hope that everyone in this thread is in the better of mood. It’ll fluctuate, I know but one good day (or moment) out of million bad ones to me is better than none at all.
God bless all of us.
The only thing that gets me through is the knowledge that hope that one day we might be able to try again but like you, I’m terrified that this will happen again and I don’t think I could brave it through something like this a second time. There are some women in these forums who have experienced multiple miscarriages and stillbirth and I think they are absolutely super strong women to be able to go through the struggle and still push on.
Don’t worry about your friends for now, I’ve actually asked mine to give us some space to grieve because each time you get a text or email or call trying to console you, it’s like reliving the experience again and it hurts a bit, so spend the time looking after yourself first, recovery physically and then emotionally.
I’m glad to hear hearing from everyone helps you even if it’s for a tiny bit. It helps me too and I thank you and everyone for sharing your stories.
Exactly, I’ve already delved into it a little bit because I would like to try again within a year or two but what’s confusing to me is that some medical sites say that it’s "less" likely to happen a second time and other sites say that it’s “more" likely. It’s upsetting that people give such conflicting answers, leaving us not knowing what to believe.
The other issue with trying again is that my ex-boyfriend (Zuri’s father) may not want to be with me again and if he does (which it seems that he does) he may not want consciously try for another baby within that time because he’s a bit younger than me and still in college. Additionally, Zuri’s conception was an accident because I didn’t think I could produce children and I told him that more than once. Now we both know that I can. So… I don’t know. I’m all over the place.
Anywho, thank you. There’s so much hope in your responses… or at least that’s the feeling I get when I read them. Hopefully your day yesterday was a good one and that today is just the same, if not better.