Stillbirth Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have been impacted by a stillbirth. A stillbirth occurs when a fetus which has died in the uterus, during labor, or during delivery exits a woman's body. For help and support, share your experiences and learn how others coped. Don't forget that you are not alone.

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AngelMama92 10/21/2017

Hello everyone,

I'm new here, and I've been looking for a good place to meet others who can understand the pain and emptiness that I feel inside and I stumbled across this platform while I was searching for answers online about the look of my baby's face when she was born. I'll try not to make this long as I know no one may want to read a lengthy mini-novel about my story. However, I recently lost my firstborn. Discovered she was an angel baby on Thursday, October 12th at what was "supposed" to be my routine OBGYN appointment and gave birth to her on the evening of Friday, October 13th. I was 28 weeks 1 day. I beat myself up because my conscience told me that something was wrong but I ignored them. I'd made a special trip to the doctor's office on the morning of October 6th and the nurse that checked my baby's heartbeat advised that everything was fine, and so I left the office feeling confident that my baby was fine and I had nothing to worry about, I noticed that I wasn't feeling her move much after eating still after that day... but still... I'd thought nothing of it, and I should have. I wasn't actively counting her kicks and I should have been. To me the excuse of an unknowing first-time mom is irrelevant. I hurt every day without her because I didn't act on my intuitions. Every day subsequent to the loss of my firstborn baby girl has been meaningless and devastating. All I can think of is how I'm going to handle the upcoming months that I was "supposed" to spend pregnant and working. God had other plans; I can't say that I agree with those plans still but I'm try to trust His ultimate plan in the process of grieving someone He only let me borrow for such an itty-bitty amount of time. For someone that I love so immensely, and had the built up excitement of meeting and raising into a respectable human being. Anyhow, each day seems unchanged overall. Some days feel easier, other days are as hard as the day that I was told she didn't have a heartbeat and that I'd only get to hold my baby but once and then be forced to say goodbye to the little vibrant spirit I'd gotten to know though my womb forever. It cut deeply and I don't think the pain of losing her will ever end. The tears may lessen but the ache of her not being here when she "should" have been is nagging and prolonged. The only good thing that came out of losing my sweet baby girl was that her father and I are back on speaking terms, and that's something I wanted so we could be a family but I didn't want to earn it this way...

Nevertheless, if there's anyone here that I could chitchat with, or anyone that could at least answer my question with a plausible explanation of why my baby's face was unsually darkened after I gave birth to her? Was it because she was possibly deceased inside me for approximately a week? Was it something else? Such as the way in which she died?

* I miss you baby girl. Mommy loves you so much and mommy hopes that one day you and I will meet again. *

BabyV 10/21/2017

I’m sorry to hear about your loss. I saw my baby on a Monday and by Wednesday when I went to another appointment there was no heartbeat. That same day I went to hospital and delivered my sleeping baby at 21 weeks 1 day. I’m assuming she passed on Tuesday when I felt one last kick. Did the doctor give you any answers to why your baby was born sleeping? As per me it’s almost been 11 months and I have my good days and my bad days.... it’s hard when people seem not to acknowledge her the way I do. I’m here if you need a friend to talk to.

AngelMama92 10/21/2017

Thank you. From one loss to another I send love and kisses you way.

At least you kept counting. I had stopped keeping track of her kicks and that’s what has been messing with me since I found out last week. The hospital told me that the cause of my little girl being born sleeping pointed to preeclampsia. Is that why her face was so dark? I couldn’t find any answers. It doesn’t make sense that her face would have the skin tone of a dark skinned black person when me and her dad are both light skinned. The rest of her body, however, was the color it was supposed to be. Only the face was black with some pigment of her actual skin tone around her little nose.

Nevetheless that’s what I’m afraid of. How do you cope with the passing weeks and months since your baby left you? Because I haven’t made it to what was “supposed” to be her due date and I’m petrified that I won’t be able to deal with the day. Anyhow, I would love to have you as a friend to talk to. I have many questions for you if that’s okay?

BabyV 10/22/2017

I’m here for you. My problems started at 15 weeks when I got an infection after spending a week at the hospital they notice my amniotic fluid was low.... was on bed rest after all.... drinking lots of water and even getting IV’s at home..... I was seeing 3 doctors a week. I originally had 2 appointments that week my daughter passed away and they were both on Monday. The Friday before my gyno rescheduled my appointment for Wednesday. I keep thinking my baby and God intervined there because if I hadn’t gone Wednesday who knows what would’ve happened. By the time I checked into the hospital that Wednesday the nurse checked me and she felt my babies feet!!! Imy body was numb because I couldn’t feel a thing!!! As per coping it’s extremely hard and If you need to cry... just cry..... yell if that helps.... get it out of your system you can’t keep it inside because you’re only hurting yourself. I was blessed to have my sister with me who would come pick me up and do her errands with her... the hardest part was that we were a month apart pregnant as you can imagine she was and is still feeling the pain of my loss but she gets to hold her daughter now. I had to be super strong for that since she delivered 2 months after my Valentina passed away. God bless you and I’m here for you!

AngelMama92 10/22/2017

I’m going to message you if that’s okay.

nholden 10/24/2017

Hi AngelMama92, I share your pain and emptiness. Like you, I found this site looking for someone who understood this awful experience that I could talk with. I knew I had to respond to you when I saw how similar our stories are. I lost my first baby, Wesley, just a few days ago on October 15th. I was 32 weeks +1 day. I had just had my baby shower the day before.

I also hadn't been counting his kicks and am tearing myself up for it. I can't stop thinking of what should have been right now and in the next few months either.

I don't think I can answer any of your questions but maybe it would help to talk anyway. I'm here if you want! Sending love.

AngelMama92 10/24/2017

Hi nholden, I sorry that we have to converse/meet under such heart-rendering circumstances. Try not to beat yourself up as that can be more detrimental to the grievance process. I noticed I’m a different person now and that I’ll probably never be the same, one day I (might) be okay again if I get to have a rainbow baby and be a mother to him/her but who knows when or if that’ll ever be. Nevertheless, I know that’s easier said than done because there’s a million different things that fly through your mind as to why this happened and why you lost your baby and so on, but that’s the only advice that I know to give. I’ve found myself blaming my OBGYN office because more precautions weren’t taken to tell me about things that I needed to know—such as, preeclampsia. I had seen the word online by my nurse told me not to read anything on Google so I didn’t. They could have warned me about something that could have affected me though, at least that would have helped me keep a lookout. I don’t know what your office did, but mine let me down and let my baby die by not talking to me more.

It’s okay that you aren’t able to answer my question. I don’t expect you to. I was just hoping someone had a similar experience and possible explanation of why she looked that way. I’ll probably never know because I don’t plan on going to my ‘postpartum depression’ follow-up appointment. You know what reason your doctors gave for why you lost your baby? Because you were 4 weeks farther than me… that hurts… I’m so sorry.

nholden 10/25/2017

That's really terrible about your OBGYN. They definitely should have told you what preeclampsia is and the symptoms if you asked them. Would it help you cope to know for sure if you had preeclampsia? It may be good to know if you want to try for another baby.

I don't have any answers yet for my baby. The blood tests they ran for infections were all negative. They're still doing a genetic test and the autopsy [I hate thinking about it :( ]. Of course, now I am wondering about all the little things I did or felt that I thought weren't a big deal at the time. Now I wonder if they were signs.

How are you feeling these days? I go back and forth between numbness and sadness.

AngelMama92 10/25/2017

Well I didn’t ask, but precautions like that shouldn’t have been overlooked. My doctors said that I was for sure preeclampsia, I couldn’t afford to have an autopsy or anything like that done so I didn’t.

I’m sorry to hear that you don’t have any answers yet. I hope that you have some soon so that you can have some closure. But it’s understandable. I still find myself doing the same thing off and on.

These days I feel more numb, anger and agitation than anything else. Still some tears and sadness but mostly anger and aggravation. It’s a rollercoaster.

InMemoryOfDylan 10/26/2017

I’m so sorry to hear about all your losses. Angel mama, I was inspired by your story to join and post because we found out on the same day as you that our little precious son had no heartbeat at 31 weeks. We are yet to find out the reasons too. I had no warning signs and so it’s been hard to come to terms with. I agree that this is totally the worst experience to go through and am glad there are support groups like this online because I don’t yet feel ready to talk about it without crying. I think the toughest times so far have been giving birth and hearing the heartbreaking silence when he came out, receiving the ashes and also reliving the experience each time we tell people. There is a Bears of Hope charity here which does an amazing thing for parents suffering loss of their babies. Through the hospitals, when you are ready for discharge, they give you a bear of hope teddy bear and keepsake booklet (with footprints, measurements and our first photos with baby) which is donated by generous families in the name of another baby that was lost too early. I think it was such a lovely gesture to be able to leave with something when you aren’t able to leave hospital with your baby. And so I have been fundraising for the charity the last two weeks in Dylan’s honour and it gives me some comfort knowing I can do something for other families going through this inconsolable grief.
Nothing though, takes away the pain we are all feeling. Sending all my love and support to you all.

mommyto2 10/27/2017

AngelMama I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. I lost my daughter at 29 weeks in July. It’s been a rough couple months to say the least. One thing that really helped me with the counting kicks thing, because I wasn’t counting either, was my doc told me even if I was counting and suddenly felt a change, it wouldn’t have mattered. My doc says she doesn’t like it when people say to count kicks because by the time someone realizes there is a change and they rush to the hospital it would be too late. I know that’s not very comforting, but it helped me realize that it was out of my control. I’ve stayed up rethinking everything. What if I realized what was happening and rushed her in could I have saved her? What if I had an ultrasound at my last doc appt, Would I have seen the umbilical chord wrapped around her neck? Could I have fixed it? I’ve had to let go of these what ifs and learn to trust God that my angel baby is playing in Heaven right now. I’m here if you need someone to talk to. I know your pain is so fresh. I’m only a few months in to my grief so we can grieve together.

nholden 10/27/2017

Thanks for passing that advice along, mommyto2. It helps me a little bit; I too constantly wonder what I could have done differently. Those are hard thoughts to deal with. Sending love <3

AngelMama92 10/27/2017

InMemoryOfDylan,

I’m sorry for your loss as well, I’m glad that you decided to post on this discussion because the end of your comment gave me hope that I can somehow turn my pain into a positive but I’m still lost as to how since I’ve burrowed myself down in a mild form of depression it seems and so I’m trying to climb my way back out. I simply wish there was a way to spread the awareness of this because I’m seeing that this is happening to too many women and babies and my OBGYN office didn’t inform me about preeclampsia. It would have been nice to know is all I’m saying… and they didn’t talk to me. I wouldn’t have known all the right questions to ask. I don’t know. I’m just disgusted. I have a memory box of all my babies things too. It’s a nice gesture for hospitals to do. I’m glad that your hospital did something like that for you as well.

In any event, I hope you find out the cause of your babies death. Maybe it’ll provide some sense of closure. God bless.

AngelMama92 10/27/2017

mommyto2,

Thank you for that information. I kept wondering if it was the things I’d been consuming, if had counted her kicks more or gotten a personal Doppler from Walmart and checked for her heartbeat more often (of which my conscience continued telling me to do, but I ignored it). However, yours was due to an umbilical cord accident. Mine was due to preeclampsia. So would what your doctor told you still stand? I don’t know. I just hope this doesn’t happen to me again and that I’m even able to try for another child because I don’t believe that I have the mental and emotional capability to withstand this a second time. I commend and stand for the women who do endure multiple miscarriages but I simply cannot. God knows my strength and I believe it’s too fragile and dilapidated. I would love to talk about my grievance with you if you’re up for it, I don’t really have any friends anymore because they’ve all aborted speaking to me for some unknown reason.

If you so choose not to, thank you still for your words.

InMemoryOfDylan 10/28/2017

Angel mama, stay strong and know that we are all here for you even if your friends are not at this stage. I think they just don’t know what to say because really there are no words at this time that will make you feel better. The best advice I was given was from a friend that went through the same thing last year - which was that the pain will unfortunately never go away, you just learn to deal with the grief. Also, expect that people with make unexpectedly hurtful comments even though their intention is to help console you.

So we just need to work through the stages and different emotions of the grief at our pace and you will find you are stronger than you think. The fact that you are able to post in a forum is a good start. You have inspired me to talk about it online even though I have trouble talking about my baby’s passing to others because I end up crying all the time. Take your time, there is no set time period to deal with the loss of your daughter but at least you know you’ve got the support of the people here who have gone through the same thing and know exactly how you feel.

Nholden

InMemoryOfDylan 10/28/2017

Sorry - hit send too early on the previous post:

@Nholden

Thanks for sharing too, and I’m so sorry about your Wesley passing away, especially that you had just had a baby shower too. How heart wrenching :( our kids only had to last another 6-7 weeks :( sigh

I am in the same state as you - constantly wondering what if and what signs I missed. I actually had to carry him inside for another 3 Days over the weekend before being induced on the 16th. Gave me a few days to come to terms with what was about to happen and say goodbye.

Thanks to mommyto2’s comments as well about it being out of our control, even if we had rushed to the hospital earlier there might not have been anything that would have changed the result. I did feel him kicking lots a few nights earlier and I think back now that was probably him kicking in distress but I thought he was just having a particularly active night and didn’t want to be a worry wart first-time Mum. Next time, I promise to pay more attention.

Anyway, hope everyone is recovering well and keeping up their spirits as best they can!

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