Spouses of Transgender Community Group

Being transgender it's not easy but neither for their spouses. This group is created with the intention of helping and getting to know others that are in. the same situation or to just educate those that are on the other side of the fence and want to know how does it feel or how would it feel to be a spouse of a transgender person. The main objective of this group is...

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Sylph 02/19/2018

Hi folks, I haven't posted much lately - although I have been reading - mainly because I really haven't had much to say or add. The way things are at the moment - well, they are as they were. Nothing has changed. Nothing has moved on. I'm not sure if this is because my partner has gone as far as he needs to - which isn't very far really, just a bit of female clothing, a bit of make up, body shaving etc - or if it's because he's scared to go any further. Or if he thinks I will leave him if he does. I've tried talking to him, but he insists that he has nothing more to say really, without going over old ground. In fact he now starts to get annoyed if I try to discuss things.

I'm not sure how I feel. In a way, 'normal' is good - we are just going about our daily family life etc, but I can't help feeling he is denying his own feelings. He says he isn't. He says is ok with the way things are. No more talk of hormones or more presenting - I have given him plenty of opportunities to present 'her' to me but he says he just doesn't want to. Doesn't feel like it. Am I trying to force the issue too much? I really don't know if I should just shut up and forget everything that has happened and just accept him the way he is now (which is fine....). Should I just take his word for it and leave things alone?

Any advice?

Sea 02/19/2018

One thing I have learned really recently and through my partner of all people (he is not the most emotionally tuned in person) "you keep asking me the same questions in different ways to get the answer that suits you instead of hearing the one I am giving" he was infuriatingly right dammit! So now and it is good when I ask things which is not often what he says to me I believe, this gives me peace and to be honest if he is hiding and not communicating it really will be his downfall not mine, concentrating more on my well being as if I am whole can cope with whatever comes. Good luck Sylph x

Sea 02/19/2018

Forgot to say that.... the shock of finding this out and lack of communication left me thinking that we were going to be having hormones, surgery the whole nine yards, it seemed to be that the pain I felt needed to have it's equal in terms of what partner wanted to do, if that makes any sense. Also hiding this part of themselves for so long and so well it is incredibly hard to believe there is nothing more coming our way.... think that is why the urge to push for answers is there.... we want all the news in one go! In my first reply that is how deal with it now it makes me feel much happier x

Sylph 02/19/2018

"Also hiding this part of themselves for so long and so well it is incredibly hard to believe there is nothing more coming our way.... think that is why the urge to push for answers is there.... "

Yes, that!

gallinarosa 02/19/2018

I have no advice for you Sylph because I am kind of there too. I mean, my spouse doesn't get angry when I ask questions but I can't tell if when we are moving glacially slow to stopped dead, if it is because that is where we are stopping forever or it's one of the other things you mentioned (fear of proceeding, fear of me leaving, repression, stubbornness, etc.) - and I am so unsure of what my role is at that point. It is very hard to just relax when they say they are fine and not assume that they will eventually need more. And it is hard if you do assume more, to just sit and wait for it to happen. It's like when a movie builds up suspense and you know something is going to jump out at you and you feel all anxious on the edge of your seat. That is not a good long-term solution. I like Sea's idea of focusing on yourself so that at the very least, you will be stronger if and when the next phase hits.

Hugs <3

pip 02/19/2018

Yes... waiting for the other shoe to drop.

zindagi 02/20/2018

I have been reading on the site consistently but usually don't write but this hit me so hard because this is exactly how I feel and where we are. Every word you guys wrote is want I feel too. Husband and I are on a stand still, he does not like to or want to talk about it anymore. The solution he has found is that he will not do anything about it (shaving, clothes etc) and focus on the kids and our life as is. I have no idea how he is dealing with his dysphoria. He says he wants to do nothing or not talk about it because it hurts me so much but I feel like that even though it hurts me I need to talk about it. Its really like Pip said "waiting for the other shoe to drop" :(

Misled 02/20/2018

I relate to all of your comments. I never know if or when my spouse will want to move forward. (I don't refer to him as my husband very often.) First, it was just electrolysis, I told him I couldn't deal with him having surgery and he said he wouldn't. Then he wanted to start hormones, it didn't matter to him that I was afraid of the side effects. Then there's the long hair, shaved body, and now boobs from the hormones. What really upset me was finding an estimate from a plastic surgeon to transition when he said he wouldn't. I am trying to prepare myself for the day he says he wants the surgery. Our communication is nonexistent because I am afraid of the answers/responses I may get. Plus talking is very painful to me and he doesn't want to talk. I am thankful for all of you that understand this, but I wish none of us had to deal with any of this. We sure didn't ask for this.

Cora 02/21/2018

We're at a standstill too. We were planning to go to the endocrinologist, but that's up in the air now.

It sounds like you guys have reached a pretty good place. Over the last 7 months, I've always been really impressed by your stories. The only thing I would wonder is your spouses's feelings about hormones, because I know they started some without telling you, without a doctor. But it sounds like your spouse really listened to your concerns about it.

I think with things like this, nothing is concern, but you can work on what you want and how you will approach life going forward, especially knowing that your spouse could change their mind at an unknown point.

Sadieblake 02/21/2018

Sea:

"you keep asking me the same questions in different ways to get the answer that suits you instead of hearing the one I am giving"

Sounds like the bargaining phase of processing grief.

I have done this with partners and my SO certainly has done it to me. However she's also helped me to engage with the lesbian community and to meet prospective lovers. I don't envy anyone in this ride who's not poly or bi/queer/questioning. In terms of sexual relationship straight partners are going to have a hard time.

I've been through my asexual periods, not a fan but they've helped me see sides of myself I didn't know existed.

Sylph 02/21/2018

'The only thing I would wonder is your spouses's feelings about hormones, because I know they started some without telling you, without a doctor. But it sounds like your spouse really listened to your concerns about it.' Yes, Cora, but he also listened to his own concerns. I even said that if he wanted to try the T-blockers again, I would not stand in his way, but he said he doesn't want to go down that path again. He certainly didn't feel any better when he was on them, and he realises the potential health risks for a man of his age too.
As for eostrogen - well that is still the elephant in the room, but he really doesn't seem to even want to discuss it now. He thinks there are too many risks - not just for our relationship, but healthwise too. He also knows that it would be very hard to stay 'in the closet' if he takes them, and he is adamant he will never ever go public. So, it's stalemate really. But I know that deep down inside he will probably always wonder 'what if?'
It's so hard, isn't it?
What's the situation with the endocrinologist, Cora?

gallinarosa 02/21/2018

Misled, it would really help immensely if you two could find a way to communicate more. I think it really makes a difference about how things go. It may not change the eventually outcome, but neither will silence. Communicating does help you feel more in control of the process and closer to your spouse. There's strength in that and it helps during the rough spots. Do you guys have a therapist? I know I sound like a broken record, but the right one can really be a lifesaver. Our knows what kind of information will overwhelm each of us and finds ways to gently prod us into opening up or listening, and will save some topics to discuss privately with her so that we can say what we need to without upsetting the other and talk to her separately to figure out the best ways to say something or ask something.

If good communication can bring you both closer it might help shift the way you feel love towards your spouse back to something more inline with the way you used to feel. Or maybe even better?

Misled 02/21/2018

Galinarosa,
I know it would be better if we talked about it. It's just hard on both of us. We had a good therapist a few years ago, but she quite a distance and getting expensive. Maybe we ought to try it again......Thanks.

Cora 02/23/2018

Sylph, we had a really intense conversation recently about what changes are ok and what changes aren't. My spouse said he didn't even want to go to the endocrinologist if I wasn't open to hormones at all. I was honest and I said, ideally, yes, I didn't want him to go on hormones at all. So, we decided we wouldn't go to the endocrinologist.

After that, he was happy for about a day, and then he became really depressed because he sees it as "closing a door." I wrote him a short letter saying that I would be open to going to the appointment and taking it step by step. He said that he wouldn't cancel the appointment just yet. I expect he will wait until the last moment to make a decision about whether he wants to go or not.

Sometimes he makes me feel like such the bad guy and I feel really frustrated because I'm very clear about what I want in life. I guess my spouse is trying to bargain with me and trying to get me on board with what he wants. He says I'm most important to him, but it doesn't feel that way.

gallinarosa 02/23/2018

Pip, waiting for the other shoe to drop describes it perfectly. When my spouse asked how I was the other day, I stole your words. I said I was pretty well but I was always a little on edge waiting for the other shoe to drop. Of course the reply was that that sounded like a negative connotation. I said that feeling anxious in this case does not mean I am excited, nor does it mean I am filled with dread. Just anxious. Tense. And it's kind of tiring.

gallinarosa 02/23/2018

Cora, *hugs*. It sucks feeling like the bad guy and it is weird to be the good guy. It doesn't seem like there is a neutral option.

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