I have been going through this too. I'm " not being supportive" if I get upset about something, but if I hide my feelings, it's like he just assumes I haven't noticed. I don't know how to be supportive when I loved every damn thing about him and he wants to change himself.

This all came to a head a few weeks ago when he started HRT. I went with him to his counselor before the injection (thinking that would be supportive and maybe she would be able to answer some of my questions/ facilitate some discussion). Turned out she was useless (I'll admit to some misdirected anger here) and kept repeating the lines that my husband does (basically, they can't answer my questions because individuals react differently to hormones, and other such BS). By the end of the session, I was really upset and couldn't face going with by husband to his hormone appointment ( in the same building), at which point he left me without giving me a hug or holding my hand or anything, just " I'll meet you in the car" ( this is not the person I married).

Turns out, weeks later as we're talking, he brings this up as a time where I wasn't supportive. Excuse me?!? Going to that counseling session was SO hard for me, I certainly wasn't there for myself, and who is the one who just walked away when the other was upset? And also, what exactly does he need support for, he's the one getting everything he wants.

My only advice on this is to talk to a marriage counselor if you aren't doing so already. The counselor, at least, has pointed out that in this circumstance neither of us can be expected to function as the support for the other.

You can't. Your spouse is ONLY worried about himself and his transition. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Forget a marriage counselor, find a therapist for yourself, and don't worry if they are trans friendly, that is not important for YOU

It seems the spouses assume we will accept what's happening and not really taking into account how we feel. You need to support yourself before you can support anyone else. Easier said than done. At the same time, depending on the situation, you can't talk to anyone. I'm sorry you both are going thru that and hope you get what you need.

I totally agree with MuseumMeg--you have to support yourself before you can support anyone else.

I think a lot of our trans spouses just don't understand what this change means for their cis spouses. I went to several doctors appointments too and then I didn't want to go to one and all of sudden I'm "not supportive." Well, screw that. I think you are doing a great job, all things considered!

Sometimes I kinda feel that the standard of being "supportive" as a wife/woman is very different than what we understand as being supportive as a husband/man is. And I think for a lot of spouses who are trans women and haven't transitioned yet, won't really understand that burden until society perceives them as woman.

People in general these days only want to hear that you agree with them. ... But I think a true relationship requires frank communication... and that does not limit itself to flattery. You need support too. Trans people have to block out a lot to commit to what they are doing. .. even dealing with the impact to their loved ones.

I read these comments and I'm not sure how you all do it...how you stay with your spouse .
I know very relationship is different but I couldnt stay I can't help.hom transition at the moment I trying to get him to tell our kids and he's cancelled ...with a excuse
But from reading all these comments I can now see that he is very selfish and he can get why he wants and that's to be a female but he has not once asked how I'm going and now I find out that he is blaming me and putting me down as the reason we separated even to people.who.know he's trans gender and they believe him
Please stay strong and so what is right for you .....
If they love you they might need to show some.more compassion for your feelings and needs

Otta, I couldn't stay either. I loved my ex and would have given my life for him. However, if called to do that, it would be over and done. I wasn't, however, willing to live in misery and in a relationship that lacked trust, respect, and intimacy. My spouse lied to me for over 20 years. At every turn, she put her wants and desires before mine. She actively deceived me and manipulated me. I hope to have another 35 years or so on this earth, and the thought of spending them with someone who is so utterly selfish and has so little concern for me was just too much. My divorce was finalized this week, and I am looking forward to taking my name and my life back.

Just started marriage counseling and I feel really good about it. I am making a note to discuss, not too far in, our definitions of support and love, and what that looks like to each of us. I would like to discuss this while we are not in the middle of an argument or crisis. What I have learned from reading these posts and comments is that our spouses can throw the word "support" around without being clear on what that means to either party. I would like us both to think about the support we need and the support we are willing to give, and how to prioritize it when it comes in conflict with honesty and self-care.

Remember, marriage is a two way street, which means BOTH of you need to support each other. If your spouse isn't trying to support you through this process, than it is asking too much to expect you to bust out pom poms and cheer.
Also- like gallinorosa pointed out- your definitions of support and love might differ. To my mind, family are the people who love you, but are also honest with you, because pretty lies don't help anyone. Your spouse may want to hear nothing but pretty lies. My ex husband probably wanted the same, which is why I became the big bad when I expressed concerns for her physical health and safety, for our finances, for our son...

Also be aware- transition trained therapists are notorious for hating cis spouses- I've encountered this myself and I have to say it's traumatizing. If you smell a whiff of 'hates cis spouses' in there, you're perfectly well entitled to try a new therapist to see if it's a better match.

"I would like us both to think about the support we need and the support we are willing to give, and how to prioritize it when it comes in conflict with honesty and self-care."

This is such a good idea GR! I would say write it down too and review every so often too!

I see a pattern with all transgendered spouses here. My husband was taking estrogen for six months before even telling me, and I ran INTO him at the pharmacy and he looked like a cat that swallowed a canary, so he probably figured he HAD to tell me sooner than later. I figured something was up because I noticed a physical change in his appearance but could not know for certain it was this. He thinks because his FRIENDS can support him that I should be able to if I was at the very least his friend. I tried to explain to him that if i was JUST his friend then I would have less of an issue supporting him BUT his out of closet happy moment threw me in there with a lock on it and no key to get out. His happiness has caused ME misery so it is difficult to be just so gosh darn happy for him.

I have come to believe that they do not deserve our support, at least in my case and many others. They lie, deceive and don't give an inch of compromise. If this were a friend, honestly ask yourself if you would be supportive.

One of the things I find consistent, and I think almost (??) every cis spouse I've seen post here has experienced, is the lack of trust in their partner. My spouse has lied so many times, or didn't tell me what his next steps are. Are they the same thing? So far without telling me he starting seeing a gender therapist, bought clothes, joined a transgender therapy workshop. started hrt, upped his hrt, upped his hrt again and that's only what I know of. I don't know what other steps he may be taking. I think therapy is great, if hrt is what he needs, then so be it. It would've been nice if I was a part of that decision making, to be part of the equation since there's 2 of us in this marriage. But no, I don't know what he is planning. So far he hasn't come out to anyone except me, his doctor and his therapist. I'm guessing his plan is to continue to take hrt until he's outs himself. The physical changes are getting more difficult to hide, so it's just a matter of time. If someone notices, that takes the onus off him actually telling our family.

I've been on several transgender sites trying to see if any couple has come up with a half way solution (haven't found any yet), but I see the deception there consistently. So many spouses are progressing with their transition and not telling their cis spouse what they're doing. When their cis spouse finds out, they can't understand why their cis spouse is so upset. Really, how idiotic is that? How can you support someone when you're only allowed to see a fraction of the situation? I just don't get that.

Just a side note too, I agree with you confusedfairy that transition trained therapists do hate cis spouses. My husband's therapist (trained) tells him I'm incredibly manipulating, non supportive, there is no joy or happiness in his life, His only solution is to transition. Oh how this warms my heart. Yet it's me who's mostly been supporting our family since he hasn't made any money in the last 4 1/2 years. He does have some savings that he's had to use, and presently he's started a new career that seems to be a part time gig. It's my benefits that's been paying for his hrt, my job and side gig that pays for a lot of our bills, and whatever else he has needed. I guess that's what it means to be manipulating and non supportive.

I couldn't agree more about the lack of trust. It came out in therapy last week that he started hrt again, then he claims he had told me about it. Somehow I'm supposed to have misunderstood, or it was some sort of miscommunication. I feel like such an idiot, because I've bought this in the past, I trusted that he wasn't intentionally misleading me. I've seen other people on this site over the last year complaining about their spouses going behind their backs, and I've always thought that at least that wasn't something I had to worry about.

I feel like such a fool to be suckered again. Not only that, but he's convinced me in the past that I must have misunderstood. I feel like he's gaslighting me, and I swear to god this selfish person from this last year is not the person that cared about me for the last ten years.

Think I'm the odd spouse out on this one. My spouse has been honest when asked but seems to be so amorphous with what he wants out of his identity that I don't trust who I'm with sometimes. I sort of which he straight out lied so I would have something more tangible to be mad at rather than feel like a jerk who is isn't accepting him... whoever that may be. Where I feel dishonesty but I don't think he knew was that this was not communicated to me in a way when we got married that this would be an issue 7 years down the road. How do we not bring that resentment with us when trying to figure out the best course of action?