Spouses of Transgender Community Group
Being transgender it's not easy but neither for their spouses. This group is created with the intention of helping and getting to know others that are in. the same situation or to just educate those that are on the other side of the fence and want to know how does it feel or how would it feel to be a spouse of a transgender person. The main objective of this group is...
I have been trying to figure out the Why me. This can't be normal. The select few that know can't give me any advice. I feel lost, hurt, alone and my best friend husband is no more.
My husband and I have been together for 13 yrs, married 9. I have 2 boys (not his), 17 and 18. He has a son 23. When we first meet he told ne over drinking that he wanted to be a woman. Huh??? Thought this was more of a bedroom fetish. Everything about him to me is a man. He was in military, likes fast cars, has a penis and loves women. As the years went on, we married (I am wife #3). A few times here and there would find woman clothes and bras. I got upset and he hide it again.
Since September 2016 he has decided he wants to transition to being a woman. Fully...to me this is crazy. He's 48 now and says he has a clock. He's getting older and if doesn't do this now, he won't have opportunity to do later. He feels like he was wired in his brain to be a woman. He fought for a few months, he has depression, PTSD and other medical issues. I decided in November I couldn't support this. Tried to figure out how to leave, do it all on my own. Then he couldn't seal with us not being together and said he would try not wanting this. This lasted from January to last month (September).
We had been miserable for months. I hated his loom. I lnew deep down this wasn't over. The hair longer and nails longer. He had started hormone pulls before and had stopped but rhey were still growing. Sex stopped and I had a hard time looking at him.
Now this is it. He's doing it. He immediately started back on hormones, his b oons are getting bigger, closet full of girl clothes...As much as he's trying not to throw it in my face it is.
I love him. He's my best friend. It was supposed to be us forever. I can't look at him. I cry all the time. I feel alone and lost.
I thought I could try and support him. But his little things he does is big things to me. He says he understands me but I don't think he does really. I like men. I like everything a man is. I am not attractive to woman. It is more than love to me.
I feel like everyone around us is supportive (except my parents and my one son knows). But they don't have to live with him or be with him.
I don't want to leave. I know it will tear him up even more. He's very fragile. I don't know how to be happy, supportive. Yes I also think about what people will think. What happened to your husband? Who is this? My family is not supportive?
Am I alone in my feelings? I feel like I am not only losing a marriage but grieving loss of my husband.
Started cleaning up son's room, got new sheets...will feel weird. But I guess he didn't take me serious by a comment he made about me sleeping in there. We shall see how this goes.
Today said what I felt to him and hurt me even more. I love him, I cant love her.
We both are hoping for different things and neither of us are going to get what we want.
I moved into son's room Friday and he hasn't slept since Friday cause I am not there next to him.
Why do these feelings of not wanting it to end but knowing it is have to be so complicated.
We tried to talk over dinner started off ok but got emotional.
Feeling a bit down as other things (yes there are other things!) have been happening and going wrong (family/finance and stuff) and he's back abroad again for a week, and we are both feeling miserable.
Keep trying to look after yourself too. Hope you manage to work things out.
Syl
I'm so tired, not just of all the emotions but how this has taken over my life and it sounds like that's happening for you too. I wish it would all go away but I know it won't. Sorry it's so hard for you right now, try and stay strong.
Let me say one thing before I go: Every vilan is the hero of their own story. Please remember that.
Most of the transgender spouses of the women and men here have been in the closet their whole lives. They may have known they were transgender, or knew something was different, for 20, 30 , 40, 50 years. Many kept this from their spouses (us) for nearly that long. I have nothing against my spouse for doing this because he (he still prefers male pronouns) needed that much time to process and accept it and know how he felt enough to start a dialog with me. He knows that I also need time to process this info which is not new to him, but new to me. I need some self discovery to understand how it fits into my mental landscape and how our relationship and our individual identities will evolve around this news. My spouse has no problem with that. Because most of our spouses don't want to be outted, we come to places like this to talk out loud and try to figure it out. Don't deny us this space. I am sorry if it sounds hurtful to you, but think about it. If we did not love our spouses, why on earth would we stick around for this mess? We want it to work out. And duh, none of us want our spouses to be transgender. Most of us are heterosexual so it is a big change. Hopefully, eventually we start to digest this new reality and work it out with our spouses. Or we figure out pretty quickly that we cannot find the same sex attractive, even if we love our spouses, and work out something else. But give us this space to do it. It isn't pretty. We know that TG forums sometimes bash the significant others, but we don't deny them their space to work through their feelings. We are not creating the human misery. We woke up in the middle of it and want to get out of it just as badly as our spouses. Wishing our spouses weren't women is equivalent to them wishing we were bisexual or lesbians.
Well said GR!
My feelings about this have not gotten any better. In all this chaos, my mother in law passes away and I end up not being there. Which hurt me. But also gave us time apart. Time that I didn't end up on eggshells, feeling tense at house and somewhat relaxed. But I missed him.
He got back and I had decided I need my space and have left my home. I am staying at my parents for awhile trying to figure this out.
I don't know if I can do this with him/her. It hurts so much. 1st night away and he went away and was her. Really upset me.
Hes hurt. I am hurt. And ai don't know what is next. People can be angry eith me for not supporting him or not loving him unconditionally. I loved him with all my heart. I still do but for me I love him...I can't do this with her.
Thanks for sharing. Hugs and know we are here for you. No judgements.