Spouses of Transgender Community Group

Being transgender it's not easy but neither for their spouses. This group is created with the intention of helping and getting to know others that are in. the same situation or to just educate those that are on the other side of the fence and want to know how does it feel or how would it feel to be a spouse of a transgender person. The main objective of this group is...

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Jennjatz 10/04/2017

I have been trying to figure out the Why me. This can't be normal. The select few that know can't give me any advice. I feel lost, hurt, alone and my best friend husband is no more.

My husband and I have been together for 13 yrs, married 9. I have 2 boys (not his), 17 and 18. He has a son 23. When we first meet he told ne over drinking that he wanted to be a woman. Huh??? Thought this was more of a bedroom fetish. Everything about him to me is a man. He was in military, likes fast cars, has a penis and loves women. As the years went on, we married (I am wife #3). A few times here and there would find woman clothes and bras. I got upset and he hide it again.

Since September 2016 he has decided he wants to transition to being a woman. Fully...to me this is crazy. He's 48 now and says he has a clock. He's getting older and if doesn't do this now, he won't have opportunity to do later. He feels like he was wired in his brain to be a woman. He fought for a few months, he has depression, PTSD and other medical issues. I decided in November I couldn't support this. Tried to figure out how to leave, do it all on my own. Then he couldn't seal with us not being together and said he would try not wanting this. This lasted from January to last month (September).

We had been miserable for months. I hated his loom. I lnew deep down this wasn't over. The hair longer and nails longer. He had started hormone pulls before and had stopped but rhey were still growing. Sex stopped and I had a hard time looking at him.

Now this is it. He's doing it. He immediately started back on hormones, his b oons are getting bigger, closet full of girl clothes...As much as he's trying not to throw it in my face it is.

I love him. He's my best friend. It was supposed to be us forever. I can't look at him. I cry all the time. I feel alone and lost.

I thought I could try and support him. But his little things he does is big things to me. He says he understands me but I don't think he does really. I like men. I like everything a man is. I am not attractive to woman. It is more than love to me.

I feel like everyone around us is supportive (except my parents and my one son knows). But they don't have to live with him or be with him.

I don't want to leave. I know it will tear him up even more. He's very fragile. I don't know how to be happy, supportive. Yes I also think about what people will think. What happened to your husband? Who is this? My family is not supportive?

Am I alone in my feelings? I feel like I am not only losing a marriage but grieving loss of my husband.

Jennjatz 10/04/2017

Sorry for some of the typos. Crying as I wrote this and one son that doesn't know asking what is wrong.

I feel this is my fault. Should have known 13 yrs ago. Why can't I support him????

Leonie64 10/04/2017

Hi Jennjatz - I'm so sorry this has happened to you but you have found a great group and hopefully it will give you some comfort to know that you are not alone. There are many others who have gone through or are going through what you are. Everyone's journey is different but most of us will have common emotions and experiences.

First of all, please understand that none of this is your fault or anyone else's. No one asks for this and there is absolutely nothing wrong in what you are feeling. You have tried to be supportive and it's really hard because your life has been turned completely upside down. The life you thought you were going to have is no longer and of course that is distressing. Supporting him doesn't automatically mean you have to stay, as harsh as that sounds. Some partners can and others can't; in the end you have to do what is best for you. Honestly I think I'd feel the same if my husband started down the path of taking hormones. I love him to the moon and back but I think it would be too uncomfortable for me.

As you're finding out, this doesn't go away no matter how hard you/they try. The feelings seem to get stronger as they get older until they can no longer resist. But it's nothing to do with anything you have done or not done and the grief can be overwhelming sometimes. An understanding therapist or counsellor may be very useful. And try to keep communicating with him. A lot.

Please take care and try to look after yourself. There are lots of supportive people in this group and it's been a huge help to me.

gallinarosa 10/04/2017

Jennjatz, so sorry. I think it helps if you can get to a place where you can both know you love each other, both know that there is no blame for being in this situation, and both know that life at this point is going to be a compromise because you now want different things. If you can navigate the compromises without too much bitterness and you can both keep an open mind, you might find some common ground. You also might not. Definitely get a good therapist. It can help open communication which will bring you closer together, no matter what the end result is. If you need to cry or vent or just feel like you are among friend who understand, come here. I wish you the best <3

Jennjatz 10/05/2017

Thank you both. I have seen a therapist when all first started. I stopped going. I always felt sad afterwards. This is becoming more and more uncomfortable. This has consumed me. I would be ok for a few days then just burst into tears over whatever is happening.

I have also been looking at finances how am I going to do it alone. He is the one who makes most and I have no idea how to do this.

I don't understand any of this. I don't think I ever will. I know I can't stop this. But this feeling really sucks. Some of my friends that know, say I am stronger than I give myself create for but I no longer feel that way. I feel miserable. I don't know what happy is. I don't know what being alone is supposed to feel except misery. This is sooo much more than I thought. I wish every night that I will wake up and this is all just a really bad nightmare.

I want both of us to be happy and stop being miserable. I see him and feel like he is getting what he wants and I am here alone trying to figure out what is happening.

Ugh!!!

Sylph 10/05/2017

Jennjatz - 'I wish every night that I will wake up and this is all just a really bad nightmare.' Yes, that.
Please don't think any of this is your fault - I've thought that too, but it isn't. We are not to blame, we don't want any of it, but our lives have been brought into complete and utter turmoil.
I've had one counselling session but it just left me feeling even worse - like I had to accept the inevitability of transition, even though my OH has said many times that surgical transition isn't - and never has been- something he wants. I'm finding it hard enough him being 'part-time/hidden'. I can't imagine how I'd feel if he was full on out and presenting, so I do feel for you, Jenn. I hope you can both find a way through this.
Sending love xxx

Jennjatz 10/05/2017

He already has boobs growing. He says it would be a year before any surgeries yet. Yesterday is when I just had enough because he colored and trimmed his hair. It's already getting long. He went a bit extreme with color. And I couldn't take it. He realized how it upset me and might have been too soon.

Today he's had someone laugh at his hair and made him feel pretty bad. I feel for him. I don't know what to say.

I decided today I would start staying in one of our spare rooms. Room that is my 18 yr old who dropped bomb shell a few weeks ago and wanted to live with his dad and not me. Our finances are a mess and I can't be out doing everything yet.

This is way more complicated.

Jennjatz 10/05/2017

Thank you all for comments. It does help to feel not alone and that I am not the only one going through this. I felt all the searching onlue let me to articles or people who were happy and cpuld do this with their spouses.

17whoaminow 10/05/2017

My partner was 60 when he decided he was trans and started going to a support group. He went on hormones almost immediately, without knowing the entire picture. He thought he had researched them, but I think only read what he wanted to and no the whole thing. So, now he can't go back. He doesn't want to either. I too can not afford to be alone. We were planning our retirement, and now I think I have to let it go. He is part time male and part time female. I don't mind it when we are shopping and stuff like that. Tonight we were at dinner and a student of mine recognized me, and he was dressed in almost androgynous clothing. The top was somewhat feminine. I already told him I can't do the dresses and the wigs or girly hair out in public, that's a line for me right now. Since I have started being more vocal, he has started to slow down somewhat. He is very worried that I am going to leave. I hate that he has to live with fear and anxiety, but, I can't promise anything. I guess when we get married we promise to love cherish and honor, but we never promise to remain the sex that matches our parts. Jennjatz, please know that we are all struggling, we are at different stages of the journey and this is a friendly warm supportive group. I am sorry for your struggle. My partner, I can't even type spouse anymore, I use partner because it's hard to determine who I am talking about, says they are happy where they are right now, but they can't say things won't change. I am fearful of the coming out at work, and I am equally fearful about appearing more feminine in public. For right now, I'm going to be content with where we are, but plan for the worst. Stay strong, care for yourself and come back anytime, we're all here for you.

Jennjatz 10/05/2017

Why does his hair have to bother me so much? He colored it. I hate it.

Maybe because he is starting to not look like my husband anymore.

Leonie64 10/06/2017

Jenn, you've put your finger on it - he's changing. Most of us have something that's really annoying or upsetting (hair/shaving/makeup/clothes/behaviours) because it makes it all the more real for us.

There is a lot of stuff on line about happy spouses who embrace everything without question and are just so happy that their partner can finally be their 'authentic selves' (how I detest that phrase). While there are spouses like that out there, it's really disappointing to find very few stories about the rest of us because you can end up feeling very alone and that we're somehow responsible for our own emotional state.

Personally I think most of those sites are run by trans-activists/fanatics that think that spouses should be part of the transition cheer-squad, and by putting so much of that stuff out there they're drowning out the rest of us. They conveniently ignore that our lives are trashed by what's happening and it's not our choice and most of us really don't want it, no matter how much we love and care about our partners. Spouses that dare to question this rosy view are horribly abused and the haters come out in force.

Maybe your 18 year old has a sense that something is not right and wants to get away from it, which is understandable enough for him but makes things even more difficult for you.

Try to stay strong

Cora 10/06/2017

*hugs* I have to go to work, but really quickly--

1) It's totally common to be upset over your loved one shaving. I had this reaction too!

2) I think it's a good idea to move into a different room. I find that when my spouse is not home, the house is very peaceful and quiet. You need a break from dealing with these emotions.

3) I totally feel you on the financial end. I told my spouse point blank that I don't make as much as him and that I couldn't afford a two bedroom place on my own if we divorce and have a kid.

gallinarosa 10/06/2017

LOL Leonie64 and 17whoaminow, you guys are on FIRE! Anger is one of the stages of grief and I think you can experiences the stages in any order and circle back to them even. I have been having a little anger recently which feels weird to me because it ends up looking like a detached sadness. But my problems with some of the terms is different. For instance, CIS doesn't bother me except that it takes away the real meaning behind the term: comfortable in our skin. In that sense, I WAS CIS. Before the coming out. Now that he's out, I need this term to describe that I am not trans, but ironically, now is when I no longer feel comfortable in my skin. So whereas I used to see it as a term of strength to say a woman was comfortable in her skin, now it just equals "not trans". And "authentic self" only bothers me if applied to my husband because that implies that all the years we spent together were inauthentic.

Jennjatz, changes=sadness :'(

Jennjatz 10/06/2017

I have told him I felt like this was all a lie. Still deel like it was all a lie. The day he truly told me this is what he wanted I hid in one of the bedrooms for 3 days. I couldn't even go to work. I couldn't stop crying. I have lost everything I thought was true.

I went to being angry. I don't hate him although I do hate him for the way I feel. It's his fault.

Now certain songs make me cry. I am back to feeling sad. I can't find my happy place in this world.

Everyone tells me to talk to God. Well I feel like he hasn't forgotten me. I don't know why This is happening to me.

I have 4 day weekend. What am I doing...walking and crying on the beach. Trying to figure out how to deal, how to be me again...

He is my world. Yesterday was so hard finally seeing what he did to his hair. I HATE it! It made me cry so much.

I feel like I keep going around in circles never finding the exit that will help me through this.

All I want is him to hold me, tell me it'll be alright. Love me like we used to. Stop the tears from flowing.

I am totally emotional again.

Jennjatz 10/06/2017

The one true thing I am starting to feel is I am not alone in that I can't do this. Like I said before, I thought I was the strange one for not supporting this.

I do thank all of you!

gallinarosa 10/06/2017

Jennjatz, are there still things left that you love that you can focus on? My spouse can still make me laugh. And honestly, when this gets bad, we crack jokes about it, which is probably weird, but it is how I deal with stuff. He also made huge changes after he revealed his secret to me that were GOOD. Like being nicer and more helpful and more affectionate. It helped us get closer in some ways and I hang on to that when other things make me feel bad. But sometimes I just need a break from thinking about it and I will go do something that *I* enjoy, for myself. Sometimes by myself or with a friend or one of my kids. And I will allow myself to be happy and completely forget about my troubles long enough to recharge my batteries. Usually it is outdoors. It saves me.

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