Spouses of Transgender Community Group
Being transgender it's not easy but neither for their spouses. This group is created with the intention of helping and getting to know others that are in. the same situation or to just educate those that are on the other side of the fence and want to know how does it feel or how would it feel to be a spouse of a transgender person. The main objective of this group is...
Hi everyone,
I've been trying to deal with this on my own for a couple of months now. My wife (31) has come to the conclusion that she may be transgender. I (32 year-old man) am unable to accept this. It all came on very suddenly, and my wife has a history of changing herself for groups/people with authority claiming acceptance. This has never worked out well for her in the past, but if I bring it up as a pattern she just denies this is part of that. If you've seen how the trans community fawns over each other online, though, and how much hate/vitriol they have towards anyone who questions any aspect of their ideology, it's hard not to make that connection.
We have a 5 year old daughter, who doesn't know about any of this, and I'm so worried/scared/barely able to function. My wife has been using male pronouns and a different name at work and with a select group of friends for a couple of months, and recently even with some people in the neighborhood. She never let me know she was doing these things, I just found out accidentally.
So add that deception part to it, and I'm distraught. Not to mention, that you pretty much never see anyone in my situation even online. because it is usually the opposite (mtf) with adults. The ftm seems bigger with teens. I think a lot of it has to do with internalized misogyny, and this idea that she will get a new "accepting" group. (Her family's always been pretty shitty.)
I just want us to be the family we were 4-6 months ago. i jsut want that for our daughter. That stability, etc. Plus, I love my wife, more than I can say. I can't accept this, though.
I started seeing a therapist, and am goign to try to make an appt with another for the both of us. I worry that I will not be heard out though. We live in a very "progressive" area, and i think people are afraid to be critical of trans issues for fear of being seen as a "bigot."
I just think they're understanding of gender is faulty. I see gender as a coercive social system that forces people to adhere to stereotypes, and that it should be fought at all points, whereas they see it as somehow intrinsically tid to your personality, which just seems super regressive.
So I'm angry, and sad, and feel very alone, because there's no one I can talk to about this aside from the therapist once every few weeks.
I feel like my wife would gladly leave all ties to the past behind, she says she wouldn't, but she has a history of disassociating and burning bridges. Since we do have our daughter, and she wants to continue to have contact with her, she can't entirely, but otherwise, she would. I almost wish if she was going to do this she would. I don't want my daughter to not have a mom, but even if she stays around, she will be essentially "losing" her mom anyway.
Do you have kids?
That is honestly the hardest part.
I love my wife, but if she is going to do this, and change entirely, I almost wish she'd just move far away and cease contact. I don't want my daughter to have to deal with this. I don't know that I can trust my wife with anything anymore. She's recently become deceitful, selfish, and immature. If she ends up taking testosterone, that will throw another huge wrench in things. As someone who naturally has testosterone, I know how to control it, and am used to it. She isn't. Not to mention the fact that she already has a family history of heart problems, and its believed that cross-sex hormones can have an exacerbating effect on those.
She's so obsessed with this, and the attention it brings her, she is incapable of making good decisions, but unfortunately, the trans lobby has done such a good job of convincing people that trans people are never to be questioned, and that everything they do is what they have to do to survive, and nothing is a manifestation of a mental health problem, that there's nothing I can do. It doesn't help that she's surrounding herself with people encouraging this.
I just read through this and lot of the behavior of the husband in this is eerily reminiscent: https://www.theguardian.com/society/2012/nov/02/my-husbands-sex-change
Like:
'"After all," he said blithely, "the changes I'm making are pretty superficial."
"If they're so superficial, why do you have to turn all our lives upside down for them?"
He didn't seem the same. He didn't act the same. His values seemed to change along with his personality.'
and this:
"Again and again Tom promised he would do nothing further; again and again he broke this promise."
and more.
Anyway, thank you for the support. I'm not getting it anywhere else.
I could have written it myself
And I really hate the fact that trans people are convinced their personalities didn't change in so many cases, when there's now way it couldn't have (apparently sometimes for the better.) Was yelling at my spouse on the phone about this just last night, explaining why yes I did get a lawyer to plan our separation, I don't know you anymore, or what to expect, and you've been domineering enough where it'd help to have a lawyer on my side. I have no way of knowing whether this day or so of Jekyll will last long term.
I have a son that's almost 2. I worry that her decision making abilities where my son is concerned are getting questionable at times, although mostly pretty good lately. She did start out appearing to favor transition over her son however, which had me worried. It's something I'll be watching.
If she risks her health in a way that compromises my son, I don't know what I would be able to do.