Spouses of Transgender Community Group

Being transgender it's not easy but neither for their spouses. This group is created with the intention of helping and getting to know others that are in. the same situation or to just educate those that are on the other side of the fence and want to know how does it feel or how would it feel to be a spouse of a transgender person. The main objective of this group is...

562 Members

660 Posts

0 Online

Confused.com 11/02/2017

Hi, this is the first time I've ever posted anything on a site before.

I'm 26 and have been with my partner 2 years but known him 6 years. We have a 5 month old baby boy together and were meant to be getting married in June next year.

I found out 5 days ago that my fiance wants to be a woman, he wants the full transition and he has felt like a woman since 7 years old. He still says he loves me and wants to be with me and I love him too but I'm not sure I'm attracted to or in love with her - even her personality seems different.

I understand it took a lot to tell me and I can't imagine how life has been for him and I'm trying to be as supportive as I can but he has just gone 100 miles an hour these last few days.

We've been shopping, he bought some fake boobs and a wig online and he's been spending the last few days like this at home. I did his makeup the first time like he asked, but after that I have asked him to do his own. He wants me to call him Katie from now. I told him I would try and no matter what I want to support him but I feel like my whole world is falling apart. Our whole life just feels like it's been a lie. Sometimes I'm angry at the fact he's known for so long but didn't tell me before we got serious but mostly I'm sad. I miss the man I thought I knew and I feel stupid because he never really existed. Everything I thought our life was and would be is no more. When he dresses like his old self to go out I feel like everything is back to normal. I just can't get my head around it.

I don't mean to sound selfish. He knows this is affecting me too and he is so lovely but I think he thinks that I'm more ok than I am. I will support him no matter what, he is my best friend no matter what happens but I hurt so much and I feel so guilty that this is the happiest he has ever been and inwardly i just can't be happy with him.

Sorry this is long. I could write forever and I still wouldn't be able to fit everything down!

Sylph 11/02/2017

Hi and welcome. First of all let me say that you sound like a wonderful partner in wanting to support him so readily. But everything you feel is perfectly understandable and do NOT feel guilty. All of us here have the same feelings - especially the immense sadness at losing the person we thought we knew and loved. One thing I see a lot in the posts on here, is that so many of our partners seem to rush headlong into their new roles - too quickly in my opinion. I would advise - softly, softly, gently, gently and SLOW DOWN - I mean that to the TG partners. It's understandable that when they first come out, it must be a huge burden lifted from them, and they embrace their new identity. They are happy to finally be able to be themselves. You are both young (sorry I'm assuming you are similar age to your partner). Transition takes a lot of time, many years in some cases. Try and talk to your partner and tell him how you feel. He loves you very much, he doesn't want you to be hurt, so I think there is room for some breathing space. Also, do both try and seek therapy. I haven't yet, but it is the first step in transition for nearly everyone.
Take care.
Syl xx

Cora 11/02/2017

Hi Confused, I totally feel you, especially the "but I think he thinks that I'm more ok than I am."

I definitely recommend going to couples therapy. I bet your spouse is on a high right now--relieved that he's told you and he's ready to make the change, but I imagine your spouse may not have thought through what this will mean for your relationship. I think working with a counsler will help him see that.

YellowSubmarine 11/02/2017

Going through the same thing at the moment. We have a one year old, and we're engaged (no concrete plans though). It's really hard to take in, and I've been through a rollercoaster of emotions in the past month since finding out. As others have said, therapy is recommended for both of you. Try and stay honest and open with each other, although I know that this is difficult. There are things I can't tell my partner because my thoughts aren't as supportive as my actions.

Confused.com 11/02/2017

Thank you, even just hearing people in the same situation as me makes me feel slightly better!

I have just had a conversation about how fast things are going and he proposed we start again. He's going to take off the wig and makeup and start with pjamas and when we both feel more ready move on from that.

We are both going to look into therapy and hopefully that will at least help sort out emotions on both sides.
It does feel so much better to be able to talk to others in similar situations!

I just need to force myself to stop thinking of what we are leaving behind!

Join the Conversation