Hi Crystalline and welcome to the place none of us wants to be in. It's early days - it is for most of us- and it's so hard. I totally understand your feelings - my partner did it more gradually, but it's still a horrible shock to learn that he is not who I thought he was. A few things I'd suggest - firstly, talk to him. Try and come to some sort of agreements about how fast/slow he should go, what is acceptable to YOU as well as for him. Secondly, look for therapy - for both of you. You say he's non-binary. He probably needs to work out where on the gender spectrum he is. My partner is the same - he doesn't think he is totally female, but doesn't really know where or what he is. He too wears leggings/women's jeans etc but only nail polish on one nail (he doesn't want anyone to notice, but I do). Thirdly, look after yourself. Take things one step at a time - you will have so many different emotions, from shock, to denial, to anger, to sadness, to maybe one day some form of acceptance. I know it's difficult for our partners, but it's even more difficult for us. Take it easy, and don't worry about your family for now.
Take care
Syl

Hello Crystalline,

Welcome to the club none of us ever expected to join. The first month or so after you find out is intense. I think I spent that time crying just about every day.

First of all just know that if you decide to eventually leave your partner that does not make you a bad person. Your partner can't control their gender and you can't control your sexuality, if their transition prevents you from being attracted to them that is not your fault. You can love someone with all your heart but end up being incompatible.

I can relate to how you are feeling, my partner told me that he was trans and basically within the next week or so he got rid of his facial hair, was wearing nail polish and shaving his legs.

I understand not wanting to tell your partner about how his transition is impacting you because you're scared of hurting them and preventing them from being their authentic self, but it's not healthy to live like this. You will probably hurt your partner and your partner will probably hurt you during this transition, there is no getting around that. You just need to embrace the fact that both of you will probably end up hurting each other and be honest. Communicating is the most important thing you can do right now.

My partner is currently in therapy seeing someone who is more experienced with gender disphoria and transitioning which has been really helpful for him. I know people in this group have been doing joint therapy sessions which have been really helpful.

Despite being incredibly scary at first talking things out really does help make things seem less scary. You could let your partner know that you want to try and do your best to support them but you are finding the situation quite overwhelming and would appreciate if they could give you a heads up before they make changes so you can prepare yourself for them. After a while some of the changes that were really scary at first aren't so bad once you have gotten used to them.

Sending you heaps of love.

Kind regards,

Chrissie

Crystalline, *hugs* one of things people suggest doing is that both partners sit down and the trans spouse makes a list of things they want to change. Then, the cis partner communicates what they are comfortable with. While this sounds a bit weird, I think the overall point is for the trans spouse to communicate what they want to do and for the cis spouse to communicate their fears and problems they anticipate.

So sorry you have to join our club, but you are among friends here. Sounds like your spouse needs to slow down and you two need to find a therapist. One (or more) who specializes in gender issues and who you can see as a couple and each individually. But your husband has to realize that one of the keys to preserving a relationship through transition is being considerate of the non-transitioning partner (especially with pace) and being VERY communicative and open and honest. Also, try to be nice to each other as it is neither of your faults for being in this situation. You might find yourself in a renewed honeymoon phase after awhile because this can lead some couples to realize they are now more honest and close than they ever realized possible. But the beginning is horrible Don't feel weird if you are crying all the time and unable to function.

Sorry and *hugs*

I did finally break down and talk to him. It was like a sand wall trying to hold back an angry ocean that kept battering and disolving it. He helped me feel better about the future and the things he does want to do and doesn't. Like, he feels fulfilled just being able to do stuff around the house. He only wants to be out to his friends and has no desire to come out to his family or mine. Everything he is doing now is the extent of what he needs. That made me feel much better. I told him that I am cis, and while I am also bi, not feeling comfortable in the gender I was born as isn't something I truly understand, though I know all about how it works and the psychology of it. I will never truly get how it feels, though I will try. I love him so much and it seems scary to confront this so early in our marriage, but it's better now than having to figure it out after there are already kids in the picture. We can plan rather than react.

Yesterday was much easier, though today I am more apprehensive because he wants to try makeup, and for whatever reason, I have some hangup about that. I'm not sure why it's so much the makeup. I also swing between feeling like I need to be hyper-feminie and like I'm not allowed to be feminie anymore.

Hi CW and welcome. Everything you're describing is familiar to us and yet unique to each, just as each relationship is different. I've learned that there's a wide spectrum of gender dysphoria and some are satisfied with keeping their identity confined to their partner or a small group with minimal appearance changes, and others want to go the whole nine yards of hormones and surgery and fully present as female. It IS scary at first because your whole world has been turned upside down and your life as you thought it was going to be is no more and your relationship is changed forever. So there's definitely grieving involved and it's absolutely fine for you to go through lots of different emotions, often changing several times a day.

There's probably something in particular that all of us have a hang-up about, whether it's makeup or shaving or whatever. It's hard to know exactly why that particular thing but it seems to happen a lot. This group is great for support and a shoulder to cry on if that's what you need.

If you can find a therapist that can really help too; communication is so important. Sending you hugs and best wishes. Leonie

"I also swing between feeling like I need to be hyper-feminine and like I'm not allowed to be feminine anymore."

--- This definitely happens. Like my husband shaved his legs yesterday and now they are smoother than mine. I was all excited that the weather was getting cool and I could forget about the arduous task of shaving my legs for a few months. But now I either feel HE is more feminine, or I feel forced to shave to keep up with him. Or he told me once how he kept his arms slim and not muscular over the years so that they wouldn't be masculine. I look at my arms which are toned and muscular (that I had always been proud of) and now suddenly I am wondering if they are masculine. I have talked to my husband about these feelings and he assures me that he doesn't think I am masculine, but it doesn't help because it is making me question how I see myself (not about how HE sees ME).

What Cora said: 'one of things people suggest doing is that both partners sit down and the trans spouse makes a list of things they want to change. Then, the cis partner communicates what they are comfortable with. ' I did this the other way round - I made a list of things I can accept and can't accept, along with a few suggestions. He responded pretty well. I have asked him to make a similar list of the things he wants too, but he hasn't yet. I'm generally being much more proactive about things than he is. I'm the one looking for therapists.

And I know what you mean about our hang ups about our own looks. My current one is fingernails. He has lovely toned, smooth, long nails. Mine are short and stubby, full of ridges (I have eczema) and break all the time :( My last long one just split and is bleeding - ouch!

He weighs less than me too, and his clothing is 1-2 sizes smaller than mine, dammit!
Syl

"I also swing between feeling like I need to be hyper-feminine and like I'm not allowed to be feminine anymore."

I struggle with this everyday. My husband is shorter than me and feeling super feminine with him is something I have struggled with at times.

"I also swing between feeling like I need to be hyper-feminine and like I'm not allowed to be feminine anymore." 

I struggle with this too..its like the more feminine he becomes the less feminine I feel. The whole balance of the relationship is changing and I know this is stupid but I feel like we are swapping roles almost. I find myself putting makeup on more and making sure my hair is done just so I feel like I'm still a woman! Xx

I think when you are less of a girly-girl, you can settle into a relationship with a man and be comfortable with who you are because you know that no matter how you act, compared to your partner, you can see yourself as more feminine in comparison. When they come out as MtF, it changes the whole dynamic.