Spouses of Transgender Community Group
Being transgender it's not easy but neither for their spouses. This group is created with the intention of helping and getting to know others that are in. the same situation or to just educate those that are on the other side of the fence and want to know how does it feel or how would it feel to be a spouse of a transgender person. The main objective of this group is...
Time for a quick update (well maybe not so quick). Haven't been around much due to various family things going wrong and taking up my time.
Today he is 5 months on E. The first 3 months were ok, he felt good, relieved and was loving the changes, and being pretty nice all in all. But after that things have started to go downhill. In the last month he's been very down. We seem to have lost our closeness and intimacy (haven't attempted any sexual activity for weeks). He's closed up to me. We are not talking and sharing like we were. There has been a lot of crap going on around us generally, so in a way the whole trans thing has taken a bit of a back seat.
But the strangest thing, the last two days when he was here (he is away most of the time) he has been so inexplicably ANGRY about everything. Like REALLY angry, raging, going apoplectic about every tiny little thing that's gone wrong. He blew up at our son when he accidentally knocked the pumpkin down and broke it (mostly my partner's fault as he had put it somewhere very precarious). He went absolutely mad, called him an idiot, stormed out of the house etc. Where the HELL has this come from? Isn't E meant to stop all that? We had an electrician over yesterday trying to sort a few things out without much luck, and honestly, the way my OH was ranting,swearing and raving the whole time, you'd have thought it was the devil himself in our house, not some poor hapless sparky. I mean, what the hell? He was mean to me too when I tried to talk to him, and more or less told me that the transition means more to him than I do (at least I think that's what he meant). He seemed to be blaming me for not being accepting enough, calling me a bigot etc. He's always been so understanding about my feelings up to now.
And yet, yesterday morning, we were sitting in separate rooms, not talking to each other (again I don't know why, he was just being horrible) and he came into the kitchen and burst into tears. I had to hold him, comfort him etc for ages. Yet he wouldn't tell me why he was crying. I guess THAT is the sort of thing we may expect from E, but not the rages - the big rages were later that same day.
What is going on, I'm beyond confused?
I'm not sure if that's what is going on with your spouse, but I imagine that perhaps things are getting really real now and I'm sure he's getting scared about what that might mean. Not that means you have to put up his crap, but maybe that's where it's coming from.
It sounds as if life has handed you a handful of youknowwhat lately.
Now, I am no expert, but here is my take given my experience..... My spouse wanted to dress more, etc, when things were stressful. Cross dressing and presenting as a woman were calming factors for her. In fact, she came out to me after a series of very stressful events - which eased her stress, but severely increased mine. LOL! Also, as things became more stressful, cross dressing lost its effect and my spouse had to take the next step, then the next, and the next, etc.
So, like Cora said, could it be that he feel he needs to take that next step but is scared about what that will mean -- to you and your relationship, what coming out to others would mean, how would people at work react, etc?
I hope you are able to get it sorted out soon.
Also, there have been times when my spouse (especially early on) would be active in groups online. They would talk to these people and share things I said or did etc. All of the feedback they would get would be heavily skewed and one sided because they were only talking to other trans people. Sometimes these people would say....that sounds transphobic or that isn’t fair etc....stoking the angry fire that my spouse already had burning inside her. I became the easy target sometimes for her bitterness and frustration. I was taken off guard many times because her anger would seem out of control and unjust, I now think it was due to her being influenced by her online friends who were biased and only getting one side of the story.
I hope things get better for you. This journey is rough, but I am here for you if you need to talk.
EDIT didn't mean to use the wrong pronouns if these are wrong, read really fast and super sleep deprived (8 month old baby...)
I actually felt these rages are pure testosterone. The crying, I expect on E. And the sulks, strops and moods. But this is something else. Aggressive, hateful, very male.
He used to get like this a few years ago. Haven't seen it for a long time. I was beginning to think that the E was having a good effect....
I have been a teenage girl, and I have raised young women and went through puberty with them. I was also on various drugs when I battled with infertility that messed with my emotions, and never did we act out or behave in some of the ways I have seen posted on various message boards.. I get that emotions can run high and can be intense. However, if my young daughters were able to keep their emotions in check and not make the rest of us feel as if we were walking on eggshells, then an adult should be able to as well.
I even taught a jr. high drama class with a dozen or more girls all in various stages of this process and they were able to keep the hormone drama in check.
So, again, sorry, but the puberty thing is just an excuse and a pretty poor one at that. Girls are strong and don't get reduced to crying and emotional outbursts every time they don't get their way or every time something goes wrong.
Girl power!!! :)
Also- the moving target business- it kinda makes me wonder, well, 1. the trans folks elsewhere will tell you that transition doesn't solve everything, it just makes your physical gender more closely align. Perhaps many of the trans spouses need to be reminded of this reality. Problems will still exist. Life will STILL not reach perfection.
2. If it's not going to feel finished no matter what physical procedures happen, perhaps one needs to reach another sort of mental peace before going on with procedure after procedure? I dunno. I feel like i've spoken to transwomen that are satisfied with where they are currently.
We have had a good couple of days - even managed sex, which I thought he'd lost the ability of - and the anger has subsided. We seem to be back on track. For now.
He has access to a therapist via the clinic, but he's reluctant to use it. He really hates talking to anyone about his feelings. I know he should.
I bring this up because communication has been difficult and last night we finally had the realization that this may partially be due to this medication. In the past when I was upset ( which didn't happen very often before this whole mess), he was always really good at making me talk and saying things that made me feel better. Now when he makes me talk (I'm more of a shut down and don't talk about feelings person) he says all of the wrong things and it turns into a weird one-sided debate, where I try to describe how I'm feeling and he explains how I should be feeling differently.
Last night he admitted that he has been having a hard time empathizing, and he thinks it is because of these meds. This has made things particularly hard for the last few months because I'm going through depression related to the whole trans thing, and he is suddenly weird and distant, just going through the motions. I imagine many of our spouses are on different medications not directly related to hormones, and this may be causing issues with communication in ways we haven't realized.
So that's not his excuse.
However, I do notice that when I'm out with people, I have a harder time asking questions. That said, I would say their impact has been more positive than negative.
ajk, perhaps your spouse can get the amount of medication adjusted? Although as I read your post, I wonder if it's the medication. It sounds like your spouse is having a hard time coping with all these changes. And because of that, they are having a hard time being there for you.