I asked how I should react because I was furious and my instinct then was to literally yell and throw the gift bag in his face. I knew at some level that was not the best way to respond, but yes at that moment I needed an objective and wise perspective on how to resolve the situation rationally. . Being told that I needed to leave my marriage altogether was neither objective, wise, or rational. Fortunately I was able to get support from couples who are years ahead of me in having a cis/trans marriage and have navigated it well enough to stay married, and happily married at that. I figured there would be people here who have been able to address the unique issues that are sure to arise in cis/trans marriages. Instead I found out that this group of people are angry, transphobic, and are leaving their marriages, therefore aren't really qualified to address issues in a marriage - only in a divorce. This group so far seems to be one for supporting those who are victims of transgender people. I asked how to address one specific incident because I figured at least one person could have been through something similar and was able to resolve it. I certainly did not ask for anyone make unqualified and false diagnosis of all transgender folks. These statements are discriminatory and insulting to my family - especially since I am not only the spouse of a transgender person, but also the parent of a transgender person. Who is anyone here to tell me that my son is mentally ill for being who he is? Who is anyone here to tell me that my husband is mentally ill for being who he is? Your spouse may be mentally ill *in addition to being transgender*, but that doesn't give you the right to stereotype and stigmatize an entire group of people who you don't even know. We can all vent here by creating our own thread(s), but please don't bring your personal prejudices to answer my question about the intricacies of the panty purchase.
I addressed the offending situation calmly the next day and it was immediately resolved to my satisfaction.

I haven't been interested in reading or writing a lot on this topic lately so I've just been skimming the posts but what I think I'm seeing is a clash between those of us seeking traditional marriages and those who are willing to embrace this new wave of liberal crap that's being crammed down everyone's throat. There's really no reason in trying to change or educate one another on this topic. We are obviously all quite educated on this. Some of us might even be professional counselors or psychologists. Thankfully there is a growing group who ate the illogical spinach they were force fed from new mental health guidance, explored it, tried it on, compared it with their experiences and those of their clients and realized that as is the case many times, new guidance is not always accurate. I mean, does sleeping in your bra cause or prevent breast cancer? Does eating eggs raise your cholesterol? Does a glass of red wine a day help or hurt? Should we eat or avoid dairy? Do we need a multi vitamin to supplement our diets or not? Does milk really do the body good? Btw the answer to that is no. Cow calcium is to coarse to be digested by the human body but it makes a really great point about how we are fed an agenda for another purpose entirely. In the case of milk to support the government's investment in dairy farms and their milk contracts with schools. I really do have a point here. Those of you who are not buying in to all this liberal bullshit, please do not yield to the peer pressure being crammed down your throats. If you want a traditional marriage pursue that. If you recognize the lies, deception, mental illness before you, call it out and try to get help for your spouses. If you begin to see it through the lense of pop culture and limited preliminary research by all means make that adjustment too, but don't discount yourselves or your experience or buy into the lie that adopting this life lie is the only acceptable response. Not being intentionally harmful is expected and reasonable. Drinking the purple kool aid is optional. Love to you all. I'm not setting my husband up with another partner. Will i meet his sexual desires another way, mutually agreed upon between us, within our own monogomous relationship? Why not? Lesbians have been doing it for years. ;) Am i buying in to the bullshit that he's a woman trapped in a man's body? Hell no. Do i love and acknowledge his feminity and his masculinity? Damn skippy. Will i stay married to a man who dresses as a woman? Hell no. Do i condemn him or others who do? Hell no. But what i really find annoying is the one size fits all, liberal bullshit, limited and shoddy research, and armchair psychologists that this topic has forced, those of us who still have our wits about us, to edure from society at large.

Ima, I guess you are a part of the (lucky?) minority in that your husband still gives a crap about your feelings. My husband's empathy began to dwindle from the moment he told me, just over a year ago. For the first nine months, I was his biggest cheerleader. Praising him, protecting him and helping him grow. All the while feeling like my true self and the marriage I had committed to was being pushed further and further away. After growing tired of seeing him in ladies lingerie, watching him spend endless hours perfecting his make-up, shaving his legs, stuffing his bra etc, I had an awakening of sorts. He missed the entire first year of our daughter's life because his one and only concern was himself.

Anyways, if that kind of marriage works for you, then go for it. It sounds more like a legal friendship to me, and even though my husband is a "lesbian" and still attracted to me, that just doesn't fly. Your words echo mine during that 9 month period, so I assumed in my comment to you that this was the beginning of your journey. That was the reason for my "warning" of sorts.

I wish you the best.


For the record, calling us transphopic is unfair, really. I'm not afraid of transgender people and I think I speak for most of us here.

I respect the fact that you and your spouse are working at staying together. I hope to do the same. I also see a lot of anger and resentment on this site, but I respect that too. Anger is just a emotion and just like any other emotion, it needs to be expressed. The more healthy way's we can find to express our emotions the better. For some, ranting and raving is a safe place like this is healthy. It may not be true for you, and that's Okay.

Ima I'm glad I read your post. I just joined this group today because I love my boyfriend/soon to be fiancé and have no desire to leave him but we have struggles both together and separately because of his transition and I mostly need advise and support. I won't lie sometimes I'm really upset by the change but him being comfortable in his own skin and being free to be himself means so much, I assumed that that's what this group was for and I'm seeing that that's not necessarily the case.. as for your post about the underwear it makes since that it made you mad. I think you should make it clear to him that if he wants underwear then that's fine but not to present it to you as a gift for you, if he wants it to be a gift maybe you should pick some for him if you're comfortable doing that. From my experience in an effort to be more feminine or masculine depending on who it is people can sometimes take a step in the wrong direction because they assume it's what the other born gender would do in that situation. It tends to happen a lot when people first come out because they aren't exactly comfortable being out yet either. It's like navigating new waters for them and it's okay to give them advise and a push in the right direction. They'll be greatful for it down the road.