Spouses of Transgender Community Group

Being transgender it's not easy but neither for their spouses. This group is created with the intention of helping and getting to know others that are in. the same situation or to just educate those that are on the other side of the fence and want to know how does it feel or how would it feel to be a spouse of a transgender person. The main objective of this group is to educate, help and support others that have no one to talk to or can not find someone that will understand what they are go

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Anyone else not seen their partner 'femme'?

I know that Gallinarosa's partner isn't presenting as a female, but is there anyone else who hasn't yet seen their partner in their female persona? Although I've seen him with a bit of make up (and the very unfetching Trump style fake tan), and he always wears earrings, and woment's jeans, I haven't seen him in anything that makes him look at all female. He wears the underwear but always gets dressed and undressed in the bathroom, so I don't even see that. He wears normal PJs in bed. I've told him I want to see him how he is when he does the girl thing in private, but he is a bit reticent. He's scared to share it with me. He says it's nothing very different to what he looks like normally, except he fluffs his hair up a bit and wears breast forms. I want to see 'her' this week, before our therapy sessions. I want to know what I will feel like, if I have to get used to it, but I'm also scared to see.



Syl

Replies

YellowSubmarine
YellowSubmarine

I haven't, my SO refuses to wear female clothes apart from leggings, and then it's only in the house. He says he has no desire to dress like a woman. He also doesn't want to look like a man in a dress with boobs. Sometimes I wonder if he really is trans, but he talks all the time about having a female body. It's really confusing a lot of the time.
Sylph
Sylph

It is confusing. My SO too says he doesn't want to look like a pantomime dame, wear skirts, dresses etc. He says he is still a man, but wants to bring out his female side. He wants to go on hormones, lose all his body and facial hair and get boobs. He says he wants to be female sometimes, and male at other times. I'm not sure how that works....I too am not sure if he is really trans or a cross dresser with a boob fetish.
Cora
Cora

Mine hasn't. Like YellowSub's partner, my spouse doesn't want to come off as a man in a dress.
gallinarosa
gallinarosa

So all 4 of us have spouses who don't want to present as female? I wonder if that is unusual? So Sylph's husband wants to take hormones and get a female body. Sylph, if he were to attain a female body, would he want to present female, or hide it? What about Cora's and YS's?
Sylph
Sylph

Hi GR, he seems to think he'd be able to hide it most of the time. He doesn't care how other people see him really. If he is wearing female underwear, it's his secret only and it seems to keep him happy. I think he would like the option to present more female occasionally, but never 'full on'. He likes to confuse people sometimes, it amuses him.
It does seem quite unusual that we all have spouses who are transgender, yet they don't don't want to present as female, I thought the presenting part was THE major part of it!
Wrathoftime
Wrathoftime

Sylph, your husband may be Binary where he doesn't identify as male or female, more of a mixture of both genders
Cora
Cora

My spouse is interested in hormones, but I think he's still trying to decide what to do. Like, some days he's definitely making this transition and other days, he doesn't want to transition because it means he'll lose me. He thinks taking hormones but not socially transition is an option.

He scheduled his first laser hair removal procedure for his neck later this month. I kind of pressed him to do it because if he really wants to transition, well, he's got to make a move. I can appreciate that he wants to take this slow, but I'm certainly not going to hang out in limbo forever.

At our therapy session this past week, our therapist mentioned that they know some non-binary people who use different pronouns during the course of a day. I guess I could ask if my spouse might think of himself as non-binary, but he really hasn't mentioned that himself. He keeps mentioning that he feels uncomfortable and the person in the mirror is unrecognizable to him.
zindagi
zindagi

So I have only seen my husband as female in pictures. He has had a full make over 2 times in his life. Otherwise at home he presents as male. Even though I have seen him in full female form I have never been able to reconcile the two images and still see him as a male, but I think the biggest thing with all of our husbands is that they don’t want to be men in dresses!!! They want to be WOMEN.
Sylph
Sylph

Wrathoftime, the non-binary, adrogyne label comes up quite a lot in our discussions. I think that is where he is now - and quite frankly I could live with that. But it's where he's going, especially if he does 'try' hormone therapy, that puts the fear of god into me.

Yes, the bloke in a dress thing comes up quite a lot. He doesn't want to look ridiculous. If he can't be a pretty woman, he doesn't want to present as one.
YellowSubmarine
YellowSubmarine

My SO wants to transition, take hormones, and eventually have surgery so he can be a woman full time. He won't do anything now because he's not a woman yet. At the moment we're waiting until he starts therapy to work out exactly what's going on. I wish I knew one way or the other, so I can work out how I really feel about it all.
gallinarosa
gallinarosa

YS, the hard thing about that is that you don't have a chance to get to know WHO the woman is until it is all said and done? That has been a big thing for me.
Leonie64
Leonie64

Only 2 words on this Syl: As if!

Well maybe a few more - he's been at it for years and actually looks alright nowadays. I've seen plenty of women his age who look much worse, put it that way. I think it's a spectrum and some of them are happy with fairly subtle things and others want to go much further. So it's a bit about the presentation and how they look, but a lot more to do with how it makes them feel (if that makes sense).
Gutted
Gutted

I think transgender men feel self-conscious about being judged. They are fully aware that their transition is impacting their primary relationship and have no desire to drag an overly curious spouse through every tiny step along the way, with the gaping and judging. Though most wives feel they are being supportive, many fall more in the tolerant category. Some are drifting along praying it's some kind of kink that goes away with therapy.

Few are going to stick around after actual transition surgery, so my guess is there will be some pulling back emotionally and some reluctance to share the part they consider most sacred. The women who say things like 'my husband doesn't want to lose me so he won't...' are the very ones setting themselves up for being locked out. Regardless of how clever they think they are, their spouses know they are not true partners in the process. There is the the underlying implication that if this goes a certain way, we won't have the close relationship we do now. Why would they prance around in front of you showing their vulnerabilities?

Perhaps it is simply that they don't want to look like a man in a dress, but we all know that men can edge into more feminine styles of dress by softening their look a little at a time as they grow more comfortable. There are some nice pants suits and jackets that have an almost androgynous look. They would be a nice options for moving in the direction the transgender person wants to go in. As for 'presenting part was THE major part of it' you make it sound like it's some kind of attention seeking behavior they want everyone to notice. Most transgender people just want to feel comfortable in their skin. Getting positive regard from others is a basic human need for all of us but far from the driving force behind a transition.

I'd be heartbroken if my hubbie didn't want me to see his feminine side. It's such a natural part of what drew us together that I can't imagine not experiencing that with him.
Leonie64
Leonie64

Gutted, I'm glad things are apparently so clear cut for you and it's very fortunate indeed although it sounds like you knew about it before committing - that's a big difference from many of the partners who post here.

"I think transgender men feel self-conscious about being judged. They are fully aware that their transition is impacting their primary relationship and have no desire to drag an overly curious spouse through every tiny step along the way, with the gaping and judging." That's a pretty sweeping generalisation and sounds like you are judging the spouses for having/expressing what are a range of understandable feelings about the situation they find themselves in, often after decades of being with that person. Small wonder some want it to go away - their lives have been turned completely upside down and there are usually other close family members to consider as well. The same goes for being "overly curious" - this impacts me too, so why shouldn't I want to know what the hell is going on?

And regardless of how clever anyone thinks they are, I'd never describe how my husband presents as prancing around. It sounds like some sort of pantomime when described in that way, which I know he'd find offensive - he goes to a lot of time and trouble to ensure he's comfortable and looks good. I do support him but as with any relationship very few people get everything they want all of the time.
YellowSubmarine
YellowSubmarine

Gutted, nice to know that you have all the answers, and can tell us that it's our fault that our partners aren't comfortable presenting femme. Thanks for giving us all the answers, since you seem to know exactly what and how our partners are feeling.

We don't need you coming here and telling us how unsupportive and horrible we are. I know that I'm doing my best to try and understand what he's going through, and we talk about it often! Amazing, I know. I am supporting him, and encouraging him to try new things, but he'll do it at his own pace.

We're just trying to get through this the best we can. There's hardly any support out there for the partners of trans people. Is it such a bad thing to want to reach out to others who are in a similar position? Are we not allowed to vent our frustrations? I suggest that you find somewhere else to push your views. Your tirades are not going to stop us posting here, nor are they going to make us change how we feel.
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