spouses and illegitimate children Community Group
Dealing with your spouse not only having an affair but a child as a result and how it affects your day to day life and the lives of your children.
I took my time to find out details about the OC. I called him the bastard child untill I asked what his name was(that took a few weeks). I met him briefly 5 months later and I felt no anger or bad feelings towards him at all. There were details of my H relationship with him that were hard. LIke the kids mother never really put up a Christmas tree so my H (who can barely find time to decorate a tree with us, me doing all the prep work), began to go to the kids house and decorate a tree he bought for him so that he could have a tree. I asked my H to put up a tree in his own house this past Christmas so that he didnt have to go to the whores house. then all of the kids could have a couple hours on Christmas eve to spend together. So many of my friends make me feel like there is something wrong with me for accepting his child the way that I have. Mind you I keep a safe emotional distance still and spend very little time personaly around him. But I am working at being able to have a better relaitonship with him. Being able to have him here in my home is something i have not been able to do yet and is one of the things that need to take place before my H and I could consider moving back in together. I feel like a fool or something. Like I am not feeling the way I am supposed to. Most of my anger that invloves the kid is more directed at my husbands stupidity rather than the child.
deleted_user
I'm glad to hear this too, because if I hear one more time how"its not the child's fault to be here", from my close friends (who has never been in this type of situation)I will scream"! Its been 9 years for us and I go thru my ups and downs. i treat the OC nicely and funny enough he loves me and tells me more than he tells my H. We only speak to him when a visit is coming up which has been every 2 months or so. The OW is not feeling the brunt of being a single mom of a little boy! Its hectic for her and I love it. She knows I'm a stay at home mom and has been for 17 yrs, I'm sure she thought we would be more available but my H travels for work and I'm not going to take the OC when he is not here. She asked if he could come for more than a wkend this summer b/c his best friend visits his dad for the "whole summer" , my H told her he can't. Oh well! So although we know its wrong to think nasty thoughts, karma will take care of these women who think they can do such a thing. She feels it more than me.... now. When he was a precious sweet little baby she didn't want to let him go but now that he is a busy "all american" boy...she doesn't want to look at him. We have to think threw the choices we make...she wanted a "baby" not a child.
HestersPearl
I met the OC for the first time last night. Not ready to write about it in detail yet but will do that in my journal on here when I've had more time to think about it. Overall, I didn't feel any hatred or meanness for the baby. He was really a joyful expressive baby. I'm not a baby person in general so I am trying to assess my feelings in alignment with how I feel about babies in general. I did have a moment when I saw an expression on his face that looked exactly like the OW (I know the OW as she used to work for one of my clients and she used to live right around the corner from me) and I had to leave the room. The other thing that was difficult was that we did this at my BF's parent's house (the parents are away for the summer) and all over the fridge they have pictures posted of the baby and sonogram images from a time period when my BF supposedly was not seeing the OW and was with me. This deeply hurt my feelings. Funny, the sonogram thing was more painful than anything else.
pinkpony66
Hesters Pearl I totaly get the pain of the sonograms more than the child. My pain in regards to the child lay more with those who were in his life in any way before I knew and even now. When I found out that he was baptised and that my husbands cousin was the God father, I thought I would puke. That would indicate that the child was a normal part of life, not a shameful secret and it makes it so much worse. Pictures that I did not take and aprove of for hanging would deffinately be very hurtful. As far as looking at the child and seeing the ow, I wouldnt know because I have never seen her. I see where the oc looks like my husband but there are deff features not his and I wonder if they are hers. I know that once I see her face I will be able to see her in him. I want to establish a good connection with him before I see her face so that I dont feel too badly if he looks alot like her. I am glad you met the child. I hope this helps you in your healing process.
pillar
Took me forever to accept the OC in my life. Swore over my dead body. Told my H divorce was his only option to have him in his own life. It was my preteen son asking to see his baby brother that forced me to find another solution. I could have gone on for the rest of my life without the OC. But I seeked professional help and decided to accept him. Things are going really well now. His (the OC) love for me is the best revenge ever.
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