I am so glad your brought this up. I am struggling so badly with this issue. Intellectually, I know that the OC needs a father and needs to be loved because he is innocent and because all people deserve to be accepted, not disregarded. The child should not suffer for the foolishness (selfishness) of his parents.

Yet, emotionally, I am a mess. Lately, I feel vehement hatred toward the OC and wish he were dead. I hate the OW for not having an abortion. Whenever I hear about a local accident I wish the OW and OC died in it (a tunnel collapsed on a highway recently and my first thought was, "I hope the OW and OC were in it and died.")

He was born on December 4 2010 and at Christmas, I felt completely differently. I bought the OC a stocking and filled it. But then my BF refused to touch it and left it hanging there. I was so crushed. It was so hard for me to make that gesture and then be rejected.

My situation is complicated by the fact that my BF keeps asking me to marry him but never gives me a ring and always backs out. My thoughts are: "why should I go through the emotional turmoil of meeting the baby if my BF isn't even sure if he wants to commit to me?" I told my BF yesterday, "I am the innocent one, the one you purposely hurt, yet you expect me to bear the brunt of the pain with nothing in return."

Then he tells me, he can't be sure he wants to marry me, if I can't accept the child because it wouldn't be fair to the child. While I understand this thinking, it is the wrong logic. You either want to marry me or you don't. If you want to marry me then we will work on it. If you don't want to marry me, then we won't work on it.

As far as the OC is concerned, I know I won't hate him forever. I know this is just another phase in my process of the long slow recovery and healing from this wound.

On the practical side, I don't really have a choice because the OW refuses to let me meet the baby and refuses to let my BF take the baby anywhere by himself -- she insists on being there. He just hired a lawyer so he can get a legal parenting plan because she uses the baby to play games with my BF. For example, she had agreed to let him take the baby on Father's Day to visit his parents (the baby's grandparents) but then when he showed up the the OW and OC weren't there, the maternal grandmother was there to relay the message that the OW had changed her mind and decided he couldn't take the baby on Father's Day. I actually felt badly for my BF on that day.

I have a friend who told me about a friend of hers who was married but had a OW and OC that his wife did not know about. The OW died when the OC was about 7 and the H ended up with custody of the OC. So he had to bring home this child to his wife and other children. Imagine the shock of that. My friend says the wife stayed. This was a few years ago.

For me, I will probably not accept the OC. I know that none of this is his fault but I just can't bring myself to ever accept him. Ever! The OW has admitted that she tried to trap my husband by getting pregnant. She thought he would leave me even though he told her he never would. We do pay support but that's it. My husband is not part of the childs life and wants to keep it that way. To tell you the truth, as selfish as it sounds, that decision has helped us in our healing process as a couple. I hope and pray the OW will find another man to step into the roll as father some day. As harsh as this sounds, I just want them both out of our lives forever!! That will never change.

Hester, I wonder if the anger towards the oc is a way to lessen the anger towards your bf. I have tried to analyze my own emotions.. I focused all of my hatred and anger towards all of the little jesters that helped my husband orchestrate his double life and keep his secret. All the people that smiled at me over the years and came to my parties and ate my food. I put on them and of course the the whore. Once I started to become indifferent to them, I started to find the hatred for my husband. Even when I get annoyed with the OC it is usualy my husbands insensativity that upsets me. Both boys made their communions a week apart. I did not want my husband around the ow to celebrate. so I asked him to have a dinner with his family and friends so that when he hears of my sons big party for the next week he wont feel bad. Shortly after the communions I took a break from the relationshiop as I was really uncontrollabley hurt and angry and was back to the point where I would look at my H sleeping and wish there was a way I could choke the life out of him in his sleep. Then came the oc bday mid June. It was a sat and I was dropping my kids off and I knew he was going to be cutting a cake for the kid. To me that meant my kids, him and maybe his aunt and neice and nephew. I get there and my H apparently knows how to buy balloons, party plates and table cloths. He had about 15 people other that who I expected, they were bbq ing , the music was blaring and I was the outsider. I felt like 2 years had gone by and that we were long since divorced and this scene was a long time in the making. I tried to suck it up so as not to show his family how hurt I was. but after about 20 min i had to leave. I got in the car and sobbed the whol way home. It was horrible. I told him last week how hard that was and didnt know how to respond. I said all you had to do is respect me enough to call me and give me a heads up so that I knew what i was walking into but somehow I have created this level of acceptance on my part that is deffinately not where you think it is. I am not ready for this to be so f***ing "normal". I still want to pull all of the strings and be the one to say when and how such events will take place. So that started a major resentment towards the child and it is not what the oc did. It was my husbands actions and total moron thinking. Most of my friends know about the oc and a couple have met him.

as far as legal rights, it is pretty easy. If the father is on the birth certificate and there is no court order in place he has every right to see the child and will need to talk to police to escort him for his next visit. If he is not on the birth certificate he needs to file a court date to have that done. That is what I had my H do. first the bitch showed up without the birth certificat (oops, she forgot) then when the next court date was coming up he withheld her 1,000(upon my request) unitl she came to court with the papers. the judge said you now have equal rights and if she refuses to let you see him then you can bring her back to court and it will get dirty. the judge said to her "I dont think it is in your best interst to refuse him his son, if you do you will end up back here" .

My BF is on the birth certificate. He refuses to listen to any of my advice because he believes everything I say is emotional and, therefore, not in the best interest of his child. (Yet, he watched me win a long battle with my ex-husband by doing all the right things and I am trying to help give him good advice about strategy and keeping the OW within boundaries which, in the long run, will help maintain consistency.) He is making tons of stupid decisions and coddling the OW so that she now has all the power and is lording it over him. When I point this out, he stands up for her. Whenever she says jump, he jumps because he is afraid she will then refuse to let him see the baby. Then, she refuses anyhow. I don't understand why he's being such a pushover.

Also, I don't think the anger is me transferring it to the baby. I have plenty of anger toward the BF. I'm pretty up front with my BF about my anger toward him. I think that because I express my anger directly to/at him, then I don't really talk about it that much on here. He's feeling the brunt of it.

The anger toward the OC is recent. I never felt anger at him until the past few weeks. I am thinking this is just something that is normal and that I will get through and past in my own time. I see the baby as an imposition on the life we were living. I already did the baby thing years ago. My BF and I were living a life that was very free, now there is a baby anchoring it down. We are at the age where we are supposed to be anticipating our first grandchildren in a few years. You get to hand grandchildren back at the end of the day. Being responsible for a baby's livelihood is another matter. The baby means we won't be living the life we were planning -- moving with the seasons, travel on a whim, fine dining, etc. A baby is an anchor at this point in my life and I'm ready for sailing.

Jewel- I am exactly where you are. My H has never met the child. I don't know if I will ever be able to bring myself to meet the child. At this point, just thinking about the fact that there is a woman out there who is the mother of my H's child makes me want to vomit. We only pay support and he is thinking of terminating his parental rights to make sure they are not in our lives. I hope she moves on and finds a (unmarried!) man of her own to be a father to the child. My H is not the first married man she has been with and I wouldn't put it past her to have gotten pg on purpose. She is very vindictive and continues to go to her attorney to file for an increase in child support even though she makes more money than my H does. We are trying to work on fixing our relationship and I know we would not be able to do that if that child was a part of our family. We have 2 children of our own together and my first responsibility is to protect them. I just worry about how they will react to the situation once they know the truth- years from now- when they are teenagers. I feel bad that they have a sibling that they won't know unless they go searching for each other or the child goes searching for it's biological father. Also, I am trying to strengthen my relationship with Christ and wonder what a Godly woman would do? Is it my responsibility to welcome this child into our family with love and acceptance if I am going to forgive my husband? I just don't think I have it in me to do that. I know in my head it is not the child's fault, but my heart can't accept that she exists.

I told my husband I won't have any thing to do with his illegitimate kids. I don't want my young kids to know yet either. I'm buying time so when they are older, they will understand how rotten this whole situation was and can make up their own minds about what they think of it. I told my husband I won't have anything to do with the OC either. I will have no relationship with her whatsoever. She texted me and said she was sorry and completely understands my feeeeeeelings. I wanted to vomit. So I texted back saying " so many victims involved (including the illegitimate kids), resulting from the acts of two selfish people " I knew the word "illegitimate" would trigger her. She angry texted back saying "my kids are not illegitimate! You two were separated when the kids were born." (He rented a room somewhere for a year and a half, but was always home with me by the way). She continued " If you had a healthy marriage, your husband would not have seeked companionship with me. I said I was sorry!" Can you believe the nerve of this borderline personality disorder troll? BPD people have no boundaries by the way. So I slammed her back telling her that "her kids were born under the umbrella of lies and deception by two unmarried people. They are illegitimate. What a sad start to life for a child. Make excuses all you want. I told her she has no idea what it's like to be married. Her dirty little secret is out now and we feel sorry for my husband because now he lives in a nightmare dealing with her. I will have no relationship or communication with her period." I haven't heard back from her, but I know she's stewing because she railroads you when you talk to her and is always right. She needs the last word. She will blast me back, but you know what? I feel happy about what I said and now I'm going to walk away. I'm not going to read her response. She's not very bright. She's trailer trash living in NewPort Beach, an Orange County wanna be rich girl, but she's still trailer trash deep down with no money and no man. She sues people to get her money too. She is an absolute loser in every way. My husband picked the complete opposite from me. He said he was completely insane and then it snowballed and he didn't know what to do so he kept lying so he wouldn't lose me and the kids. So I don't care one bit about the other kids, or their mother. My solution is to make it a happy day when he visits a couple times a month. He must pay for my facial that day. Heck I'd tell him to go once a week if I got a facial out of it and a manicure and a pedicure. He laughed and said ok. I also don't want to here about anything. I will ask if he's going to play "golf" this Sunday. It keeps my head happy instead of "your other family" It's too painful. It stays his dirty little secret too. It pisses her off too. That's my goal in life.

I can totaly understand where some of you feel so negatively about the OC. i have never met or even seen a picture of his mother. I spoke to her once on the phone 11 years ago when I was trying to catch my husband in his lies and she was a bitch then. My husband hates her with a passion and has very little contact with her accept to say I am picking him up. The oc calls my H to make the plans for the most part. I think meeting her will bring on some really raw emotions again. But I have no plans as of yet to meet her. I am afraid to see her in the oc face. Beleive me, i am not planning playdates and knitting socks for the oc but I am able to accept he is a part of my reality. I was afraid that if I kept his existance a secret from them as it was from me for 7 years, it might result in them feeling betrayed by both parents. I try to be as open as I can and they understand what their dad did was a horrible act and is a very difficult thing to forgive. I tell all of them that they should never do that to anybody and never allow it to be done to them. It has broken our family and it is taking a long time to try to put it back together. However I am very scared of the new flood of emotions that will come over me when I see her face. I know I need to . It is one more hurdle to get through.

I could never be a part of his life unless I divorced my H and found a new life. I dream that his other son will have compassion someday as an adult and that we can maybe talk together to each other b/c we are the ones that suffered the most from this mess. Of course my son will suffer really bad too. I cry everytime I think about the day my son has to process this evil thing his dad did. My son worships the ground my H walks on. I have tons of FB pictures of the little boy and his mom. I too feel like I want to vomit when I look at his picture.

I am glad I am not the only one who feels this way about the OC. Not that it feels good to feel this way. But it helps me understand that I am normal and what I'm feeling is normal. I do think that eventually my hatred will lessen. But the healing takes so much longer than I thought it would.

I think this feeling is normal . I use to wish something bad would happen to that slut mother of their, still do sometimes, but I think again, They need their mother.

My issue is i dont wish the other children died. Just their mothers. Or that they would just dissapear from our lives. Just find another man & leave us alone. I have no idea how to get passed these feelings. Im trying to bc I really think it will cause us problems later on down the road in our marriage. I still want them no where near my child, for the time. My daughter is too young. Maybe when they are all older. Right now, none of them would understand a thing & im sure it would be traumatic for all of them. & i do have to admit, the oc's feelings are not at the top of my list, & anything that causes the ow pain is more than ok with me. heffers. ugh! I feel like its kind of wrong to feel like this. maybe im crazy or maybe im just a really hateful bitch. fml. i hope all you ladies find peace somehow.

Never personally met the Ow and Oc: most times I say I NEVER want to... although I see pics of the oc on facebook, it surprises me that I'm not too bothered by it because she is a cute little thing that looks nothing like my H, however the thought of seeing or dealing with the Ow is what makes me insanely disgusted!!! So, if or when the time comes for 'test day', I don't think I can accept it ???

I will NOT ever, ever, ever have a thing to do with the OC. And I refuse to stay with my H if he has anything to do with him... (besides child support...only because we have to). Its not that I don't have compassion for the OC. I feel bad that this has happened to him. However, he is not my problem. I have MY children to worry about and protect. I kind of blame his mother! Sleeping around with a man she barely knew.... unprotected! If he is hurt, he should talk to his MOTHER. My h is not innocent, he too was sleeping around unprotected.. but I feel like a woman is in charge of her own body and SHE is the one who got pregnant.

I can't help but see the OC as a reminder of the awful, awful thing my h has not only done to me but our family.

No one knows about the OC in my life... Daily Strength and my counselor are the only places I have shared ANY information. None of my H family knows, none of mine and my children sure dont know. I do worry about them finding out before I want them to. (I would rather protect them to never find out) I know its imossible to protect them forever but I still want to try.

The OW wants my H to play daddy. She has completely disrespected me and I will have nothing to do with her or the OC. She will not let my h relinquish ANY rights and she plans to change her son (who has been named Joshua Jr after ANOTHER man for the past 3years) to my h name.... first middle last, junior!!!!! This devastates me and it disrespects MY son, his first born child. It actually makes me hate the kid even more! Sad... I sound horrible hating a child so much. =/ I hate his mom, I hate the situation, and most of all hate my H for causing it all!

I really respect anyone who can except the OC. That takes one big person that is for sure!

My friends and family all think I am nuts for accepting him to the degree I have. I kind of went full force for a couple of months like the savior. My husband stroked my ego by telling me his mother was a bitch and shitty mom and didnt do for her son what I do for mine. No bday parties, days at the beach, playdates, christmas tree etc.... so of course since I love to rescue I swooped in. I created a whole christmas at my husbands house on christmas eve. took pics, got gifts and even went out tree shopping with them and baked cookies and decorated. I did Easter eggs and made him a basket but by the end of may it was all becoming too normal and I was no longer the savior. I was no longer in control of the how and when. That was my backsliding time. I am now trying to pull myself forward again.